Contact schedules

[Crazystupidlove55]

My DP contact with his two children is every Tues and Thurs and alternate Fri-Sun.
He’s applied to court after failed mediation as it’s felt there are too many transitions for the children, and more and more incidents when he collects from his ex’s house, he’d prefer to collect from school, or his teen could just walk home to ours.

On a separate note, what are people’s views on additional contact - for example a football match that falls on ex’s night, she’s refused saying that it’s her night, he’s argued it’s in child’s interests, as he’d enjoy it. His ex is basically saying that because he’s taking the matter to court, she will absolutely not allow extra days/time, as he wants to put it to a stranger to make decisions about the children and where they live. She’s told their 13 year old this as well, when questioning if he wanted to go to said football match… he said no to her apparently, as he wouldn’t want to upset her.

He can watch a football match in either house if he wants to, surely? Is your partner genuinely looking for additional contact time or seeking to tempt the child away from mum with promises of football matches?

At 13 he can make the decision himself, really.

He’d love to go, to a live football match, at a stadium. But can’t say that to his mum.

I don’t think he is allowed to make his own mind up, I know he should be.

My partner would likely honour something if she’d requested for an event she wanted to take them to, a wedding or a family event of some kind.

What does he mean too many transitions? Is he having them overnight on Tues and Thurs? Why doesn't he want to collect from exes house? Surely if the child says to his mother he doesn't want to go to the football match that's all she can go on?

Yes overnight, but not here are just more and more occasions where she’ll come out and start rowing with him, so he’d prefer not to have to do that.

There is more to it in terms of alienating behaviours, and it’s not like he’s trying to take time away from her with the children. It’s one night, a bit of father and son time to watch a match together.

I agree with you that the current schedule is all over the place with too many transitions. We do week on week off transitions on Sunday. We have every Thursday and the ex every Tuesday. Midweek transitions occur at school. Like yours, high conflict situation so DH tries to avoid his ex as much as possible.

Given the kids ages, not sure what age the younger child is, but certainly the 13yo will have their preferences taken into consideration at court. So what do the kids feel about the current situation? Do they think there's too much back and forth? Would they like to come and go as they pleased for football matches etc? My DHs boys have always come and gone as they pleased since about 12/13 without having to consult their mum. I'm assuming she wouldn't take issue with her son wanting to spend the evening at a friend's house so she's clearly just being bitter by trying to prevent him attending fun events with his dad.

That’s what my partner hoped for. But the ex will always seem to want to try and cause a situation, complaining about every little thing my partner does/doesn’t do. His are 13 and 9. The 9 yo has really struggles emotionally and we fear he’s being alienated.

Sadly, she is very bitter and loves the drama.

Our biggest fear I guess, is that the children’s views may say to keep how it is - for fear of upsetting their mum, but half the time they don’t know if they’re coming or going and packing a bag and remembering things for the other house daily - we know is taking its toll on them. We have everything here that would be needed for them to have blocks of time here, even 2/3 day blocks as opposed to back and forth, so they can settle. It would take away the fact there might be a football match on a day with her or a family gathering she’d like to take them to. That’s just where people she be civil and think how the kids would enjoy it.

My two, (15 and 12) see their dad EOW and sometimes ad hoc, but their is a 45 mins distance and the arrangement has never been more than that. They love their dad, I love that they do, and even love their step mum who he’s just married this year. I know my situation is different, and polar opposite, but my partners feels like it’s headed for worse case scenario, with court and the children just being caught up in all this mess.

My DHs ex is high conflict as well and loves to cause drama. They way we have avoided that is to have a legal parenting plan in place so there's no room for negotiation/arguments. We have it written into the plan that a parent can request to have the child on the other parents day and should give at least 4 weeks notice where possible. This allows for them to attend family parties etc. But it is at the other parents discretion whether they allow it. Sure, it means the kid misses out on certain things but that's just part of being in a split family. If definitely suggest going ahead with the court order. Even if you don't get exactly what you want it leaves no room for her to argue about where the child should be at any one time. I think his reasonings are sound though and she's need to have a good reason why the back and forth is better for the kids than solid blocks at each house. She'd also need to provide justification as to why transitions can't happen at school. It's hard to predict how court will go as sometimes it depends on the judge but most are used to parental alienation tactics. In the meantime, keep a record of anything you think will help his case and save any texts where she's refusing extra time with the kids.

My DH has cut contact with his ex to the bare minimum because we just follow the parenting plan. The only time there is any discussion is for holidays etc. She of course has tried to cause trouble but DH simple refers her to the schedule and it's prevented a lot of arguments.

You don't see a difference between a football match and a family event or wedding?

And, 'likely honour' is a worrying turn of phrase. What you really need to feel as an ex is that flexibility is such that big events like weddings, milestone birthdays etc will never be an issue, particularly if notice is given.

What you're saying is she should allow a football match, no questions asked but your partner will 'likely' agree to the child attending a family event that falls on his time. The way my family dealt with this is just scheduling on my time. Took all that power away. Can you really not attend football on your time?

But at 13, he can be supported to stick up for himself if it's what he wants.

Of course there is a difference between football and a wedding. This is one occasion for them to go watch a live football match of a team his son supports, he’s not asking to steal one of days of the week every week. He’s asked previously and it was a no.

I agree a 13 should be able to choose, he’s told his dad he’d love to go. But we feel he can’t tell his mum that as it’d upset her.

Is the issue that he wants to take the child to a game on a school night so potentially not back until very late. If that's the case, I can see her point.

It seems like petty arguments to take to court. Judges don't have much patience with parents who take the other to court for that kind of issues.

The football match is for a 13 yr old, not his 9 yr old as that would be a late night.

and no - not going to court about a football match: but the principle of any additional days/dates/events on either side…

going to court about DP wanting blocks of time for the kids, rather than transitions to either house each day of the week, except alternate weekends.

I don't think you husband is being unreasonable at all to want to take his son to a football match.

We have a similar contact set up, and it doesn't bother our kids, but yours are different. I don't know what court would say, as often they can like like to keep the status quo.

I'm having issues with the kids dad not wanting to take my daughter to a class on a Saturday morning that she desperately wants to go to, that I am paying a fortune for. It's frustrating.

I'm surprised that a 13 year old cannot make his own plans and tell his mum that he'd like to watch football with his dad and for that to be acceptable.

I know we always support the mum on here but really there are some very, very controlling women out there; no wonder their marriages fail.

Yanbu but unfortunately the courts cannot make an unreasonable person reasonable. If she wants to disrupt contact and make things hard she will, all you and dh can do is be calm and consistent and provide a safe space away from conflict.

I know so many adults who have no relationship now with a parents who were toxic when they were small, sadly the kids will look back and realise. My advice is pick your battles and make the most of the time you do have

What any of us would do is beside the point really, it's a high conflict situation in your case so I wouldn't be upsetting the apple cart (and putting DC in an awkward position) until you've been back to mediation/court.

There will be other football matches on more appropriate dates, this is not the hill to die on right now.

As soon as DD turned 12 I stopped being involved in her contact arrangements with her dad, she is free to make whatever arrangements she likes as long as she checks our family calendar for any commitments.

When she was younger I had no problem with him doing ad hoc things with her, if I was given advanced notice / didn't clash with something else /wasn't too late on a school night.

BUT it took a few years for all of the original animosity and frustration to dissipate but for us DD was in Early Years so by the time she was at school it was no longer an issue.

You have a whole season. Just pick a game that falls on your time.

Looks like you will have to go back to court on this one. Sounds like you have the children's interests at heart.
Keep notes on her behaviour as evidence.

We would if the games come up, but also, the 9 yo couldn’t possibly be left in my care, while DP does something with older child… says DP’s ex.. on it goes…

It's not up to her to decide that. If you're happy to care for the 9yo on your own while OH takes older child to a game then that's up to you and OH. The ex doesn't get to dictate how he managed childcare on his time.

There’s so much that has gone on. It’d take a long time to write it all down. But in short, his 9 yo now wouldn’t feel comfortable and because of things the ex comes out with about me, I’m quite reluctant to put myself in that position for fear of her making false allegations. On occasions I have done recently, I took him to Asda for bbq things, and he was willing to come - as he knew he’d maybe get some football cards! When he’s at ours for longer periods, it seems he manages to decompress and can relax a bit more, when it’s back and forth throughout the week, it’s very different, he can barely speak to me and is up and down emotionally. We try to keep things light and breezy and lots of distraction with things he enjoys doing.