Distance - how does it work?

[Sworkmum]

DP's ex is moving, a significant distance away.

This has been an on going battle and DP has given up fighting it as it is making everyone miserable. Personally I don't agree and say court is the answer but, he doesn't want that.

Either way, it doesn't make too much difference to me, it's not my life/my child.

However my concern is, he thinks he's got it all agreed that if he consents to this X, Y and Z will happen. However I am pretty certain she will agree to/say whatever he wants to hear to get him to agree, then when there things will change.

DC will be unlikely to want to visit due to travel distance too often, but there are other DC here that have different contact arrangements too that have to be accommodated. Has said ex needs to do the driving due to them wanting the move and DP having to accommodate other child, but I just know this won't happen/last.

There are health issues, education issues and behaviour issues all of which ex will look to DO to resolve, won't be able to do any of this from that distance in the way it is now, so all that will go downhill.

The only benefit I can see is that DC mum will be happier, obviously this is important but it's at the expense of an active father, sibling and support.

I'm at a loss really, I've made my thoughts clear and as I say not my decision, but just wondering in practice how the travel a long distance works for those who do it?

I’d say you’re right, court is the answer. Most men are too weak to do it and rather say oh well I can’t ever tell my ex no because she’ll stop contact 🙄

im not in this situation but im a firm believer that you make time for things that are important and excuses for things that aren’t so if he wants to be an active father he absolutely will be and he will find a way. If he doesn’t he will excuse it by blaming the mum.

if he wanted to move closer would you be open to that? It could be a solution he comes up with

Sounds like there is another child who lived close by though so moving isn’t an option.

how far is it?

my dhs ex moved 3 hours away. He still managed to have eow plus half the holidays.

she was initially going to refuse to do any driving but she was ordered to drop them off halfway. Prior to being told that, she didn’t think she would have to. I remember her saying to smugly to dh when he said she would have to drive his kids halfway ‘I’m a single mother with a toddler (not dhs toddler). They are not going to make me drive all that way with a baby every second weekend’.

Moving closer isn't an option for either, as there are other DC involved on both sides who live in our current area. I wouldn't stop him moving closer without me but he wouldn't as that would be further away from his other DC who does 50/50 and has done for a long time.

@Neodymium 3.5-4 hrs away

You are right there is another DC who lives locally so moving away wouldn't resolve anything for DP.

None of this is going through court so my thought is once there, settled and got what she wants she'll just back out of any agreements and the only thing DP will be able to do is court. Hence me saying just do that now and oppose the move. Let the court decide what's best for DC as I don't believe moving away from half their immediate family is best for them. He's not an EOW parent, he sees them 3-4 times a week currently.

If it’s in dc’s health and welfare interests - particularly if medical needs and already 50:50 then I’d expect a court might give 100% residence with eow to the ex.

youre damn right I wouldn’t trust a verbal agreement and too late for court then

I can guarantee if someone took your DP's car 3.5-4 hours away and said he could only see it every couple of weeks, he would go to court - why isn't he prepared to do the same for his child?

My only caveat would be is if he doesn't do 50/50 (you say he does this with his other child, so presumably he does it with both?) &/or if financially the area that you're currently in is too expensive for his ex to live in as a single parent and she needs to move to keep her head above water.

It's so tough in this current environment that life is set up to be vaguely affordable if you're part of a couple, but unaffordable as a single person (& even harder as a single parent) it makes situations like this so difficult.

He will lose his parenting relationship with his dc who are moving. It's his responsibility to do everything he can to prevent that, and go to court.

Not sure I'd ever feel that same about a man who wasn't doing everything he could.

That was my thoughts, this DC doesn't do 50/50 exactly but has contact 3-4 times a week. Long story but all initiated by the ex not wanting more than what is currently in place. Its worked for DC and both parents are happy with the current set up time wise (obviously ex isn't happy with location). But I do worry what they'll be like if they come less given the issues around health and behaviour especially.

See my other post re 50/50. It's a different set up and ideally he would do 50/50 with both but this has been led by DC mum (ex).

He feels like it's a losing battle as the ex purposely makes life difficult because they aren't able to move which is what they want. He's been worn down by that over the years I think and feels court may put an order in to stop the move but it won't stop them being difficult, which I do get. But I said just ignore if needed

I said this. Distance with a teenager is different to distance with a child. They won't want to travel away from friends/their life as a teenager though I think that the travel distance will become an issue way before this anyway. I also think ex won't drive and if they say I'm not, legally there is nothing in place, so it would be a case of going to court then.

Difficult exes will always be difficult but at least with a court order he'd have some power to maintain a relationship with his child. I see he didn't bother getting a court order for the custody schedule either and has just been going with whatever his ex allowed. Maybe if he'd bothered to get a court order at the start he wouldn't be so torn down by his ex's crap over the years.

How anyone can be attracted to a man still on the end of his ex's leash I'll never know.

That was what I said, I think he should have done it all properly in the beginning and put a lid on it and made it clear he wasn't going to be told what's happening. He basically tried to keep the peace and in the process has been left being dictated to about what's happening regarding DC.

I think you’re best off just trying to detach. He knows what’s likely to happen, he’s choosing to avoid hassle in the short term to appease the ex and that’s severely going to limit his involvement and input with the child moving in the long term so be very very clear that when it all goes to shit you won’t indulge him moaning about it.

I agree with other posters court is the way forward. Or at a minimum a solicitor signed document by both with her also having legal advice that this is what she agrees to do.

Personally I'd have gone for prohibited steps application. And blocked her moving with the children. This off course means you have to be willing g to take them full time.

I had an (ex) friend who moved abroad with her child on the basis it was temporary and she had a verbal agreement with Dad about access. She went back on it almost immediately. Still dumped DC on him when she was back here and wanted a holiday though. He’s an adult now and has no real relationship with his dad.

I think this is what I have to do. I find it hard to sit back and say nothing (even though I haven't I have voiced my thoughts)

I think I have to accept though it's not my battle and just let it go.

I suggested a PHO also and feel this would be the correct step to take. He feels it might stop ex moving but then ex will just be even more difficult which I do get. He doesn't want to drag his DC through court and the negativity between them they are already now noticing.

However I think court then if needed ignore.

Yes I believe he is giving ex way more credit than they deserve in saying they want DC to have a relationship with dad.

All the behaviour so far proves otherwise and I can't see how moving away where it's more difficult will make that better.

I know how this is going to go.

You have the right idea with going through the courts. Unfortunately, DP sounds too stubborn to listen to you. I think you’ll just have to let him learn the hard way and go to court when he sees how it’s all panning out badly for him.

I say this as the wife of a very stubborn man. It’s hard watching them make bad decisions but you can only be there to help them pick up the pieces.

Agree he is very stubborn and has it in his mind this is best for DC. I don't think really he is 'giving up' I don't see it quite like that. More that he genuinely believes this is best for DC because of the difficulties caused and he feels ex will continue to cause if they aren't allowed to move away.

Time will tell how it pans out I guess but I think I know how it will!

Forgot to reply to the financial bit. Definitely don't live in an expensive area, actually fairly cheap and looking at rental prices ex will likely pay around 100-150 more moving. Will be nearby family to help with childcare but DP does this now so won't financially make any difference. Added into the fact ex has a job here and will need a new job there, financially I think wages are pretty similar.

OP, you can see things clearly and your predictions regarding his ex reneging is highly likely.
Well done for spelling it out to him.

However, perhaps you need to rethink the relationship if he is so stubborn and weak to just hope for the best, rather than ensure he does his best to keep his children.

Do you really want to be listening to him whine into eternity about what he has lost?

Think about yourself and your life, because I think you are going to rightly get the ICK for him when he allows this to happen unopposed, just hoping for the best.

We went to court. We have ended up travelling over 400 miles a week at crazy times as a result. So be careful what you ask for and how the judgement is worded. It has to work for everyone.

@piscofrisco I think that's what he is worried about also. He knows it's not beneficial for DC to be travelling that far regularly. But not sure what the alternative is if ex moves.

With having his other DC 50% and doing more than 50% of the parenting (he does all hobbies, appts etc for them) he has to factor that in too.

It's a tough situation for sure.

So he has two dc from two different relationships and now he’s with you? Do you have kids together?

I think I would think a little less of him for not fighting it tbh.