Blending families long distance

[SVAV2014]

Hi there

My ex husband and I have been separated for a year and recently I met someone else. It's been very much a whirlwind and we have become very close very quickly and have started thinking about our future. He has 3 children and lives 1.5 hours away. I have two children.

im trying to wrap my head around how our relationship will work long distance, as neither of us will be able to take our children out of school and move closer the other, as the children's other parent in both cases shares 50/50 custody and wouldn't agree to it.

im looking for some advice and experience in respect of this. I'm happy with the fact that we could see each other at least the 50% we don't have the kids but I know he wants more than that. I was thinking maybe we have a house mid-way between but that still causes problems for getting children back to their home town for school on the days we have them. Then I thought we could each have a house in our respective towns and a base mid-way but that would be very expensive.

how have other people managed this? In terms of she's my kids are 6 and 8 and his kids are 6, 9 and 13.

any advice much appreciated!

How long have you known him? Sounds like not long enough, and this has recipe for disaster written all over it.

We’re in the same situation (although things are changing but that’s another thread!). Before this, we had made the decision that it would be unrealistic to think we would love together until the youngest children have left home. The kids come first and it turns out that was a good decision. If either of us had decided to move schools and leave exes/family, it would have made our current situation more difficult: as it is, I can make decisions without too many external factors influencing how I think.

@Floofydawg I've known him just over two years. Why recipe for disaster?!

@Finallyfreenearly thank you and I agree. I wouldn't want to move the kids schools or disrupt them too much. And it wouldn't be fair on their dad. I'm more than happy with two houses for the foreseeable, I think a little bit of space can only be a benefit. Thanks for responding.

In your original post you said you’ve been separated 1 year and recently met this man?

My ex husband and I have been separated for a year and recently I met someone else. It's been very much a whirlwind and we have become very close very quickly and have started thinking about our future.

So which is it?

Sorry if I’ve misunderstood OP, but this reads like you’re in a rush to make this relationship work. But at those ages, and with parents who have not long been split, stability has to be worth more.

Why the hurry?

I'm in a similar relationship, although my partner lives 4 hours away.

We co-ordinated weekends so we have one weekend all together Friday-Sunday

One weekend where it's just us together, which usually was Friday-Tuesday.

And one weekend where we are both at home with our own children.

Then school holidays we were all together, usually at my house as it's bigger.

Unfortunately there isn't much opportunity for us to see each other mid-week due to child custody arrangements, but we make it work where we can.

Will also depend on your child custody pattern. Mine is split weeks, and I'm having trouble trying to get my exDH to change it. Otherwise we'd just do a week here and a week there in term time.

For what it's worth, it's not easy, but it's also making sure the kids are comfortable and happy with the arrangements, we adjusted as we went along and found something that worked for us all.

Because you're trying to rush things and uproot the kids. And you have no idea how it's going to go when you all live together.

You said you separated from your husband a year ago and recently met someone else? If you’re being untruthful in your post I think that’s your subconscious telling you you’re moving too quickly.

I have food in my cupboards I've had longer than your relationship.

What's the rush when you have kids

@Floofydawg apologies, I meant I recently started a relationship with him. I've known him for a while, when we were both married - not very well but we were acquaintances. When we both separated at around the same time we became better friends and a relationship grew from then.

Keep separate homes. Your children need stability and safety, not to be moved in with a man and a bunch of other kids because he "wants more." If he can't put his children first he isn't worth it.

Of course he wants more. Men always want a live in partner to look after them and their kids.

See him in your child free time.

Just date when you don't have your kids. It's not in any of the 5 kids best interests to be made to participate in their parents dating life. Their world has been completely blown apart. A 'whirlwind' is not for kids.

Plenty of men are weirdly keen to get their latest girlfriend involved in the drudgery of raising their kids. Don't fall for it. Boyfriends are for life enhancing fun.

For 50:50 to work, you need to live near your co-parent.
The only way that you can live together while the kids are at school is if one or both of you end 50/50 with your co-parent. One of you giving up time with the kids to prioritise the relationship could mean future trouble when the ex or the kids become angry that they have lost out on time and attention from the other parent.

SVAV2014 give* *it 2 years before you even start thinking of ja oint financial investment, such as .the children's home. If he is pushing to move fast be very cautious as that's not healthy or mature when there are 5 young children involved. Often men are super keen to replace the ex to help with raising the children/childcare/household duties. Don't be fooled into thinking it's because he can't live without you.

In your situation it's most likely the adults will need to fit around the children. Have you sorted out access arrangement with your ex? Are you divorced? Are you settled in a house?

Many relationships post marriage don't work out (rebound, not having enough time to heal from previous relationship, ignoring red flags due to needing to be with someone) so just enjoy what you have a don't look too far into the future.

It's still a very new relationship. No way would I be moving in with him. There's nothing wrong with living on your own with your kids.

You barely know this man at all, and him having been an acquaintance before means exactly nothing. There would be absolutely no benefit at all for your children or his to live with this man, ever. It would only be for your benefit and his.

If in 2 more years it's still going well, living half way in between could be an option. Parents do start new relationships and can make it work anyway I travelled 45 minutes to school as did my dc! BUT take it one step at a time, fully blending should be a slow process and done at the right pace for the dc, as well as you of course.

It really isn't in yours or your childrens best interests to add 4 people to a house they would share.
Don not underestimate the amount of sheer drudgery involved with so many extra people, cooking shopping, laundry and mess.
Not a chance.
Do a self catering holiday for a fortnight to give you a 10% taste of what is involved.
That should sort out the madness of considering moving in together.
Keep your houses completely separate and enjoy your time off.

You can still blend the families for holidays and fun days out etc - those are the time I really yearn for a blended family. I don't yearn for a blended family when I am doing laundry or preparing meals or driving my child to activities - the day to day parenting I don't want to do for other peoples kids!

There is no way to blend your homes without serious changes for the kids and the 50/50 split changing- eg either your DP only has his kids on long weekends now and comes and lives with you, or he takes them away from their mother and school.

Ps 'I'm happy with seeing each other for 50% but he wants more than that'

There you go. Stick to your boundaries. He can WANT more he doesn't have to get it - he can either find a child free woman or totally single mum to move in with him or he can respect your boundaries - if he likes you enough he will - or he can leave his kids behind with their mum and move to your area. You and your kids stay put he has loads of options x

Prioritise your children.

If it's meant to be with this bloke, move in in twelve years.

Carry on seeing this bloke as you are currently when neither of you have your dc, that's plenty.

Sceptical me also thinks he's possibly needing a place to stay, hence the love bombing and whirlwind.

but I know he wants more than that. then I think he'll have to wait till the kids are older and left home and then you can look at moving