Challenges

[Marcus87]

I’m a step-parent of two teenagers and have been in the kids lives for over 10 years now, most of the time things are pretty good and I always knew I was going to have challenges being a step-parent.
My wife’s ex smokes weed everyday, has a problem with coke and drinks every day, he rarely pays my wife maintenance and he can be really horrible towards her and threatening which is something I can’t tolerate and when he’s like this I’ll stand up for her and call him out but every time it then ends up in an argument with me and my wife and somehow she will then make excuses for him.
One of the children is fairly argumentative and typically answers back and has to have the last word and whenever he gets in trouble or is grounded within a day my wife says everything is back to normal and he isn’t grounded anymore as she doesn’t believe in punishment and he knows this so can do what he wants and knows he won’t have to face any consequences.
For me that’s a problem as I believe kids should learn right from wrong and have consequences if they do something wrong (within reason)
I’ve always told my wife I’m all or nothing and that I’ve always seen and treat them as my own children and she’s happy for me to treat them and be the nice parent figure but I’m not allowed to be strict with them as she often quotes ‘they ain’t my children’
Recently my wife said she thinks I treat the kids more like friends rather than my step children and I’ve explained my reasons why.
I love my wife and step kids but I’m really struggling with this and morally it just doesn’t sit right.

what’s the split between mother and father?

Used to be they go to his every other weekend now because they are late teens they just make their own arrangements to see him. They don’t like staying at his anymore because of how he is

Your wife can’t have it both ways.

You are either a bonus parent who can do things like discipline or you are the friend who was to politely witness bad behaviour and say nothing. Her refusal to discipline bad behaviour properly would be off putting.

You’re right with the refusal to discipline being off putting and it has made me question things slightly.
Its hard to watch and let certain things go because I’ve been raised to treat women with respect and they can be rude to her and her ex is rude to all women so it’s something they’ve seen all their life and I’ve always hoped they would see how I treat their mum and follow suit but unfortunately not. Even with saying please and thank you indoors and they including my wife just laugh saying you don’t need to say please and thank you to people in our house.

Exactly. This is so common. One of the many double standards when it comes to step-parenting. You're expecting to treat them like your own but then constantly reminded they're not your kids. Your wife is being completely unfair and has created this situation on her own.

I treat my SKs like my own and my DH has always treated me as another parent. He trusts me to set rules and discipline them as I see fit. He's even corrected me when I've asked him about something and said "well it's your call, you're their dad". He'll always say "no it's our call".

@Marcus87 Why is your wife still in contact with her ex. Surely if the kids are teens and making their own arrangements she doesn't need to be in contact with him. My DSD is only 6 and we barely have any contact with her mum. Most transitions are done at school. We parallel parent so there's nothing to discuss unless there's a change to the schedule. For the transitions that happen at home DSD just lets herself in and out so we don't go to the door and don't even need to look at her mum never mind speak to her.

Also, your wife needs to contact CMS and get maintenance arranged through them. Why is she allowing her ex to walk all over her?

This is how I would expect it to be but unfortunately it isn’t.
Its always been her ex constantly making contact and the kids recently said that he’s still obsessed with her even though he cheated and walked out on them.
I’ve mentioned to her about her needing to go to cms but she never will and he’s now self employed so he basically declares that he earns very minimal money but he’s point blank told the kids that he just doesn’t want to give it to their mum.

My DHs ex is a nutjob. She's engaged now but still seems obsessed with us and our life to the point that she got engaged on our first wedding anniversary. She called him at 4am one night and left a voicemail saying she loved him etc. He blocked her number the next day and she could only contact him via email. She would email him up to a dozen times a day. He'd only check once a week on transition day in case there was a change to pick up/drop off times. He'd ignore anything that was obviously not about the kids.

My DSD is only 6 so he needs to have some form of contact with her although he keeps it to an absolute minimum.

Your wife can't control her ex or his feelings but she can put up boundaries. She needs to block his number and block all forms of contact from him. He shouldn't have any opportunity to be rude to her. In terms of what he says to the kids, he'll end up just making them resent him for how he treats their mum. I imagine as they get older they'll slowly but surely stop contact. Happened with my DSS17. He only sees his mum once a month and usually under duress, not because he wants to. He has her completely figured out now that he's onder.

Wow that’s crazy! To be fair my wife’s ex went mad at her when we got engaged because she didn’t tell him and he found out 1hr after it happened 😂.
Sometimes I do wonder if I was just a rebound that stuck. When the kids have joked that I’m punching because she’s a lot better looking she’s said that when you’re a single parent it’s a lot harder to meet someone as a lot of men are put off. She will say she fancies me and I’m really nice and a good dad.
when I read what I’ve wrote I think wow so many red flags 😂

She went crazy when DH first told her he was in a relationship with someone. He told her before he told the kids and I only met the kids when they were ready and wanted to. I met his 3 kids all separately because they were ready at different times.

Whereas the kids found out their mum had a boyfriend when they went home from ours and he was sitting on their couch topless having moved in a few days prior after his wife found out about their affair.

Every time we've had a milestone in our relationship there's been some kind of backlash but it is what it is. It is much better than it used to be and ignoring her as much as possible has definitely helped. The grey rock method is your friend, Google it!

I've learned over time not to expect rational behaviour from irrational people. Not everyone has the same standards and morals as you do and you can't expect something from someone just because that what you did or how you would behave. Let them do what they're going to do but just keep them as far away from you as possible and don't get dragged into their circus.

Also, that's really sad you feel like a rebound after all this time. My DH has 3 kids and to be honest never thought he'd meet anyone after he split from his ex because he had so much "baggage" (I hate that term). He also had years of abuse from his ex and her constantly telling him no one else would want him.

I have never been made to feel like he was just settling for me because I accepted his kids and his situation. He worships the ground I walk on and vice versa. He's always made me a priority and I've never felt like I come second to the kids. My opinions matter, I'm listened to and considered in everything. Everyone has their needs met in our house.

her ex went mad when she told him she was in a relationship and he was threatening to beat me up, even after 10 years he still says it but it’s never happened 😂
My wife has openly said the kids come first and even if I have a disagreement with the kids and they are in the wrong she will always side with them.

You have the patience of a saint, OP.

Not only do you have hassle from the deadbeat druggie 'dad', but your wife defends him and refuses to go to CMS? I guess it's barely worth it now as the children are over or almost 18?

As a bare minimum, your wife shouldn't be entertaining the contact from her ex. He should be blocked unless the children are with him.

On the step-parenting, I think your instincts are correct - they need boundaries and clarity more than ever at this age and are too young for you to be their 'friend', especially when they don't have a decent male role model other than you. Your wife should be grateful that you care.

She also needs to stop being flakey herself. The whole point is to ensure the boys grow up as well-rounded, caring, smart adults. This is the starting point for conversations with her about parenting.

My wife’s parents are separated and they are still friends and very close and I’ve tried explaining that isn’t the norm and she shouldn’t expect that from her ex, also it makes me feel uncomfortable especially knowing that he’s still obsessed with her and she’s said in the past to the kids that they would probably still be together if he didn’t cheat but she’s glad he did otherwise we wouldn’t have our son together.

I don't agree with that at all. My stepkids want for nothing. They are well cared for and have everything they need. But I believe that the marriage should always come first. A healthy marriage where the couple prioritise each other is a great model for kids to learn about relationships for their future. I also don't think it's healthy for kids to think that the whole world revolves around them and they are the most important person in every room. Of course there are times where the kids have to be prioritised. But ultimately the marriage is the foundation of the family and if it's not prioritised then it will likely fail which will in turn affect the kids.

Kids will eventually up and leave and have their own lives. If the marriage hasn't been prioritised and nurtured then there won't be much left once the kids go. I think that's a huge part of why marriages fail when the kids leave home.

We wrote out own wedding vows and my husband's actually says "I'll promise that you'll always come first, you'll always count". And he's always stuck by those vows.

Your wife's treatment of you as her husband is quite frankly terrible. And she's doing her children no favours bringing them up to be rude and inconsiderate of others. My DH always have each others back. Sure we don't agree on absolutely everything but generally we're on the same page when it comes to parenting and we put forward a united front. I've never had a case of any of the kids being rude to me. At the worst they've forgot to thank me for something and my DH has pulled them up and told them to say thanks.

Have a good long thing about whether you're truly happy in this marriage and whether you're ok with being bottom of the pile for the rest of your life.

I completely agree with everything you’ve said here.
The one thing in the back of my mind is if we were to ever split up then I wouldn’t have control of how my son that we have together is raised especially seeing what she is like with her other two children. She is a good mum and loves them and would do anything for them but certain things I don’t agree with that could lead them all down the wrong path.

It’s probably wrong for me to think that but that’s always in the back of my mind unfortunately.

Why would you have no control? Surely you'd have him half the time so you'd probably have more control as you'd be able to raise him how you want on your time without being undermined or her undoing any punishments you dish out. Of course you'd have no control over how she parented on her time but you could absolutely raise him properly on yours.

My stepkids have vastly different experiences between both houses. We have rules, boundaries, routines. It's a bit more relaxed at their mum's and we don't agree with a lot that goes on there. All we can do is put best when we have them and so far it's going well. My DSS17 decided to move in with us full-time a year ago and is coming on great. My DSD6 is 50:50 and despite her mum's questionable parenting for lack there of, it's a great kid. Much better behaved than some of her peers.

How old is your son?

I’d just be concerned that I wouldn’t be told everything that was going on with him.
my son is quite different for me and my wife, typically he’s really good for me and listens and understands right from wrong and he even tells my wife that he’s good for me otherwise he will be in trouble and he can be naughty for her because she won’t tell him off. for my wife he can be quite challenging and clingy and doesn’t give her a break.

Its quite funny how he’s picked up on it already which I suppose is quite telling of how different we are
He’s 5

she never pursued full custody given this ex’s weed smoking, coke taking and excessive alcohol consumption?

Sounds familiar. My DHs ex has complained to him before about my DSD's behaviour and attitude being disgusting. Both DH and I were totally confused by this as that's not the child we know. She's an absolute angel when we have her. My DSD told me she always cries when she has to sit in the back seat so her mum's boyfriend can sit in the front yet when I had her in the front one day and we were going to pick up my mum she's said "I'll move my car seat into the back so gran can sit in the front". My DSS17 said DSD cried and has tantrums at her mum's all the time. The last time she had a tantrum with us was 3 years ago when she was 3.

We have minimal communication with the ex and we absolutely don't know everything that goes on at hers. We hear bits and bobs from the kids and DSD has always told us of there's been any issues. Sounds like your son his already quite switched on.

It's a tricky one. I understand the concern of non seeing your son half the time but are you really going to get to raise him how you want staying together with your wife having the opposite views on parenting? When he sees his older siblings having different rules? That's just not going to fly.

Yes the older kids are teens now but it's not like you can say they'll be adults and out the house soon. If your wife is as soft on them as you say they'll probably be there till they're 30 and your opinion on it wouldn't matter because they always come first.

Regarding my son I feel like we are starting to have a really good bond and I worry that if I’m not with him every day would it slowly go away especially if it’s me ending things with my wife.
I don’t think the teens will be leaving home anytime soon either and the way my wife talks she wants them staying at home as long as possible.
Taking the kids out of it I believe I would be better on my own but with them in the situation I think I would find it almost impossible to walk away. I’ve been thinking about it so much all weekend to be honest.