Advice from fellow step parents

[BioandStepin1]

Hi All,

I’m looking for some advice as a full time step mum to two children aged 7 and 8 as well as a mum to my newly born child. The children have lived with us for over a year with no contact from mum due to her parenting being deemed as unsafe and the children not attending school and subject to abuse.
We have nurtured them and helped them with so much the past year, along with attending court case after court case which us put us in up to now debt of over 20,000 solicitor fees while bio mum is paying nothing due to never have worked a day in life.
bio mum has started having supervised sessions with the children which have affected us as a family, the children behave differently when they have been and it creates an atmosphere when they are home.
I love the children like my own but feel nothing but resentment towards bio mum for financially doing this to us and being unbelievably toxic. We have two very different ways of life in terms of what we would deem as acceptable, in shorter terms it’s like trying to co operate with someone off shameless whilst trying to live a normal life.!
I don’t feel strong enough to deal with all of this but I don’t want my child to be away from their father. I have never been so torn as to why to do and I don’t know any other step mums who do this full time and have just had a year of no bio mum for her to be reintroduced into life again.

please help!

This sounds like a lot you're having to deal with OP.

My situation is different to yours but I used to find when my DC were unsettled after time with EXDH. What really helped was getting out of the house almost immediately after their return. We'd go for a walk/swimming or some type of activity and this break would almost bring them back.

Not saying it's going to solve all of your problems but it may help slightly.

Thankyou for your advice,
it’s so so hard. I have dealt with my emotions so well even after having our baby a few months ago but I seem to of come crashing down with her being involved now and have become withdrawn from partner too. I know it’s his past and he can’t change it but I hate what I’m now connected to 😣

Im in a very similar situation except a couple of years on and I have had many many times when I've questioned whether or not I should leave for the sake of my own children or if I should stay because I don't want to take my children away from their dad when he is a good father. Obviously all circumstances and situations are different but as my babies have become toddlers and are now becoming young children, I am very proud of the little people that they are becoming and obviously they are still young but I am really hoping that this is a sign that all my efforts to shield them from the negative impact of DSC's mum on our family life have worked to an extent. My DSC are becoming more settled and whilst there are still many times when their mum throws a spanner in the works (contact is now unsupervised but she has cancelled last minute 3 times in the last 2 weeks because she 'had other plans') they are becoming much more secure and emotionally stable themselves. It's a long road and it takes a lot of hard work so I can completely understand if you decide to leave it but I just wanted to give you hope that I needed in those early days, that it can definitely get better.

Handhold from me. This must all feel infinitely harder because you’re a new mum.

What struck me was no mention of your DH/DP. Is he supporting you and the baby and trying to shield you from the emotional drama?

You sound like a really caring stepmum. Try to take one day at a time and enjoy the bubble of your baby while all this is going on. 🌻

This was so nice to know @Ohlittleone . Can I ask what happens once they start doing that with a court order? We are dreading having to go back to court again and again because it’s inevitable that she will let them down once professionals are involved as we live far away from one another approx two hour train journey and courts have made it very apparent that she is to do all the travelling for the kids.
it is refreshing to know there’s someone else who’s had the same, I don’t know any woman that’s done this before full time and it’s so hard x

@MeridianB DP has been as supportive as can be but I feel he’s going through it as much as me. A lot of the time we find ourselves not talking and sitting in different rooms because of the stress. I’m quite a private person and been poked and prodded and had all kind of people in my house due to the courts and cafcass being involved so I don’t feel like I’ve had that lovely baby bubble.
it’s hard when I am basically main carer for the kids as he works from very early in morning, I sort alll their appointments, clothing, cook their tea do pretty much everything yet can’t be involved too much in professionals eyes.
Thankyou though, I’m trying so hard but it really is the toughest job. I love being a mum but found myself having a lot of resentment due to bio mum tainting my experience.😓

To be honest, nothing. We've found out in all this that court orders aren't worth the paper they're written on. There have been times when she has kept DSC and refused to return them but police and SW won't do anything and say to go back to court, by the time of the court date she returns them so nothing happens (except once when she was given a fine but this was reduced to nothing because she doesn't work so was pointless). We keep a note of it all though and DH has been asking himself at what point he should be cutting back on the contact due to the impact on them of her not turning up. The most recent time she was supposed to collect them from school but called youngest DSC's primary saying that she couldn't collect him and so he was to walk back to our house himself and that he usually walked home from school alone. He doesn't, he is always collected, and apart from that she didn't check anything with us and so no one was home, he's only 8! Thankfully the school phoned to check and so I was able to go collect him.
DH does facilitate contact a lot himself and does a lot of the leg work taking them to her and picking them up, he doesn't have to as the court order states she should be collecting and dropping off, but he does it for them because the alternative is risking her letting them down.

It's really hard. I'm also like you in that I do a lot of the work, I do school pick ups and drop offs, clubs, life admin and appointments, homework, bed times, parents evenings, etc. I feel like I do all the crappy boring part of being a parent but without all the reciprocal love that comes when you're doing it for your own children. I know that my step children don't want me to be doing it though, they want their own mum to be doing it and I can't imagine how shitty it must feel as a child to know that your mum won't parent you. I remind myself of that when I feel unappreciated or taken for granted sometimes, for them acknowledging everything that I do means accepting that their mum doesn't and that's got to be tough for wee kids.

This is so hard and must be really difficult for you.

The reality is the mother has a place in her child's life whether you agree with it or not. I realise you've made a home from them in her absence and it's frustrating that her decision re reappear breaks your family bubble and worse has a profound effect on them but that is step families. They aren't easy and there is a constant source external to your family that you cannot control.

What you can control is your own boundaries. The upset to your husband is not your problem because you aren't responsible for fixing everything. And you cannot stop this.

I'd just get some serious cotton wool for the children when they come back to you and resume BAU because the family home and normality will get them through it. And that will help your child no end.

I’ve been where you are and it is really tough. I would recommend your husband represents himself rather than sow dung £££££ on lawyers. Everyone I know who has done this, including my husband, has had a positive outcome in court.

the advice to get out of the house and do something active when the children return is great - those transitions can be really hard for them and this de-stresses.

it sounds like bio mum will be an inconsistent and even harmful factor in the children’s lives, they are lucky to you have, their dad and baby to provide a loving calm home. Lovely fir your baby to grow up with older siblings too.

i am not pretending this will be an easy ride but I expect you will find it worthwhile, don’t do anything rash xx