Getting used to a blended family situation & no time with my partner...

[Neo2020]

My partner and I have recently bought a house together, this has involved me relocating down South because he has dependent children (3 x teenagers) from his previous marriage. My partner and his exW have been apart for almost 10-years and we've been together 6-years. I appreciate it will take time for us all to settle into this new life/blended family but I am finding the 'unofficial stepmum' role very difficult. I do have a daughter from my previous marriage who is in her mid twenties. My partner and I live 20 mins from his exW home, I'd have preferred a little more distance but fully appreciate my partner not wanting too big a distance for kid drop offs and pick ups. My partner (and now I) have the kids every Thurs-Sat, so both of us working full-time means we have little to no time away from work without the kids. We have no time for ourselves and the negotiating we have to do with his exW to make any changes, with advanced notice, is hard work. His exW works 2.5 days/week, as a teacher and since we've moved in together we've had the kids Thurs - Sun for 6 weekends out of 8 and the only reason we've not had them for the 2 weekend is because my partner has to work 3 weekends/year and so was working on the 2 weekends, not as if we had anytime together. The only time we have together is Mon-Wed and some Sun afternoons, which my partner sees as quality time because we see each other in the house. His exW is completely controlling and manipulating, my partner is so laid back so does not protect or set strong boundaries. He wants to see his kids, which I understand and we do, but he is not prioritising our relationship. I am the cook, cleaner, and hold down a senior executive position in a global company working full-time but also late into the evening at time. I am questioning my decision to buy a house together or is this just settling in pains? Any advice, previous experience very welcome.

How did it work before you bought a house and moved in together, this can’t all come a complete surprise if you have been together six years?

Why are you suddenly the cook and cleaner? Surely he managed this himself before you moved in.

God, I'd be off like a shot!

I think you're going to get a lot of 'you knew what to expect' which is annoying I'm sure but true.

Unless the arrangement has changed since you moved in of course but then I would wonder why.

This isn't the relationship for you if you can't deal with this and I do think it was absolute madness to buy a house with someone you'd never lived with!

Why did he agree to have the kids every weekend? Does their mother never want to spend any weekend with her kids?

Do you have them Thu-Sat or Thu-Sun? Your post is contradictory.

If it's Thu-Sat, could you not go out together on a Saturday night?

Also, if they're teens, can you not go out and leave them home alone for a bit? Are the really demanding your OHs attention the full time they're there? My SS17 lives with us full-time but he generally does his own thing so it doesn't stop us going out.

Fundamentally your OH hasn't bothered his arse ever getting a court order in place and is now left dancing to his exWs tune. Basically he's prioritising his ex over you but palming it off as "putting his kids first". If he was really putting his kids first he would have sorted a court order a decade ago.

I have read so many posts like this, and I am certain that men just look for new partners to parent their existing kids and be skivvies, while they play Disney Dads. Sorry, OP.

Goes with the territory, your life is not your own.

Why on earth did you make this decision??

How did you buying a house together make you the default cook and cleaner when there's also one other adult in the house (plus 3 teens on some days)??

Did you discuss the division of housework and cooking etc prior to you living together?

Yes, I am also interested in knowing how you became the default cook and cleaner, despite working full time and having 3 teens in the house.

Well he has three children to parent so won’t have a lot of time for you. I do think you should insist on going back to dropping them off on Saturday though. You need a free night and a lie in once a week. How did you end up doing Sat night too?
Why are you doing more work because they’re there? That’s his job really.

The children are his priority so of course they come before your relationship.

Most working parents don't get any time outside work without the children?
You are child-free Mon-Wed, if you want to go away for the weekend without them then get a babysitter.

Why have you become cook and cleaner? That's the issue.

I think perhaps if you’ve been together 6 years then this needed to be considered before now.

If you only have them 3/4 days a week then why can’t you spend time together on the other days?

This is insane. Exwife has a good deal tho doesn’t she and bet shes getting a decent maintenance. The agreement is not fair. Why not Wednesday night - Sunday night one week and Sunday night - Wednesday night the next. Least then you’re getting a weekend every other week.

for those saying parents don’t get time away from their kids, separated ones do. Oh and kids shouldn’t always come first. They’re safety yes but a child’s wants should not come before an adults needs.

the kids don’t seem the issue in this though, it’s your ball-less husband and ex wife who probably says I’ve still got it everytime your husband does as she says.

This! You lose out all round OP. I am so sorry but I think you are being used.

Surely three teens don't need a babysitter?

If you have them every weekend then you can sometimes leave them at home while you go on a date.

Also set up some kind of housework rota so that everyone, including the kids but especially dp, contribute to cooking and cleaning

How has it worked for the last 6 years? Presume he didn't have any more child-free time then?

Theyre teenagers and will only get more independent. The strict contact schedule and giving lifts shouldn't last too much longer.

The housework split is another issue - why is it not 50:50?

Was custody differant before you lived together? Who cooked and cleaned in his household before you came along?

I am the cook, cleaner, and hold down a senior executive position in a global company working full-time but also late into the evening at time.

You're a senior executive yet allow this man to make you into the world's biggest doormat? Come the fuck on. This entire situation is bonkers and makes no sense. Stop being a skivvy, tell your partner all of this nonsense ends now, and stop allowing three teenagers to run your life.

I am a bit confused. He has his children almost 50% of the time. What was it like before you moved in?

Did he have strong boundaries before you moved in together? Did he have different days?

I am not sure it’s relevant what she works to be honest. But I can’t quite figure out what’s come as a surprise to you. Obviously if this all new developments, then you need to discuss how it’s not working for you. If it’s not, I am not sure you moving on and then wanting the kids schedule to change because you realised it doesn’t suit you, will be a good move.

Obviously you shouldn’t be the default cook and cleaner. Why do you feel the need to be? Didn’t he do all those jobs when he lived in his own and had his kids? You can still go out, they are teens. He doesn’t need to be in with them every night they are there.

It sounds like you need to have a serious talk. But it’s hard to give advice because no can’t tell if a lot of this is new developments or already established routines

So you recently bought a house together?

I don’t understand why you are doing all the housework? Just stop it and tell him to pull his weight.

The six years you have been together, were they long distance? It seems like you have sleep walked into a shit situation without considering the realities.

Why are you choosing to be cook and cleaner to these people? Is your boyfriend a misogynist?
I can't understand what appealed about moving in with a man and his three kids, but can you remove yourself and just go back to dating him if he enhances your life? Have you ringfenced your deposit?

When did you spend time together before you moved in? Surely you can still have time together then? If you were already together for every minute that he wasn't either at work or looking after his kuds then it's obvious that moving in together wouldn't increase your time with eachother.

How did he manage his household cleaning/laundry/cooking before you moved in? Has he suddenly become incapable?

You are not a maid. You are not there to be a maid to him and his kids. You need to very quickly look at the division of labour in your home. You are 1 person he is a family of 4. He and his children needs to take on a big bulk of household tasks.

During the child free time you need to do date nights. Sitting in the house is not quality time.

I personally would also be making plans on a Friday and Saturday night. Get a hobby. Join a club. Make some friends. You are not responsible for his kids during his parenting time.

Honestly, being a step parent is a very hard thing to do. It's not something I'd ever choose to do again. Ever.

You need to carve out some time for yourselves somehow or you will come to resent the children. And it's not unreasonable that you and your partner have some quality child free time alone. Can you raise this in a loving positive way with him?