I'm new to Mumsnet but just looking for some advice and support.
I met my husband almost 6 years ago. He already had a 2 year old daughter and had been separated for her mum for almost a year. We took things slow and I didn't meet my step daughter until months later when we felt we were stable/strong enough in our relationship. Bio mum left my husband for another man (who she later had another daughter with, though they too soom separated). Right from the start, things were very difficult with my husbands ex, she's always been very volatile and controlling and has secretly suffered with mental health problems and a personality disorder for most of her life. My husband and I have ended up having his daughter anywhere from 60%-100% of the week for the last 4/5 years (especially when social services has been very involved as they have enforced supervised visitation a number of times). We have really tried our best to help and be amicable however we have been routinely verbally abused, threatened and manipulated by bio mum and it has taken it's toll on us.
Recently, social services declared they were taking both girls (8yrs and 4yrs with different dad's) off their books as they didn't 'meet their criteria for immediate concerns'. When the girls are with their mum for 2/3 nights a week they seem to be very neglected. They are late for school/nursery regularly, wear the same dirty clothes and underwear for days, don't get bathed/showered, don't complete homework/school reading and both girls say the house is so dirty and untidy that they have to eat food sat on their bedroom floor because they can't get to the kitchen table. There have been rumours (no solid proof) of bio mum abusing alcohol and drugs and we have been aware of police involvement because she's had unstable/abusive boyfriends (one police suspected was dealing drugs).
She comes from a very 'well-to-do' family who rarely get involved, though her parents do help by having the girls overnight during the week for her so they're not late for school so much.
Both girls are now displaying very worrying behaviour at home and school/nursery. My step daughter is particularly unhappy at the moment but won't talk about why. She has huge, very physical toddler-like meltdowns and will not even attempt some of her work at school for fear of not succeeding. She's very withdrawn and unemotional. She's also worryingly aware of very adult things, like profanity and their meaning and sexual words and acts (Too young at 8yrs?).
My husband sought legal advice a year ago and was told he didn't have enough evidence to get full custody. Father of the youngest did go to court with no success as they enforced a 50/50% custody court order.
My husband is now trying to get some psychological support for us as a family as we are really struggling, particularly my step daughter. I'm finding it particularly more distressing now as we have an 18 month old son and another baby on the way.
Does anyone have any advice? Or an explanation for why social services are no help? Are their standards really that low at the moment?
Thank you for letting me release some of this. It's not easy talking to people we know as it's worrying and almost shameful. Thank you