Fed up!!!!!

[Asitwass]

I have a daughter (15) who I'll call M for this. My DP who I married about 5 years ago has a daughter (16) who we'll call C. Both girls get along really well, can't be separated mostly. DP and M have always gotten along considering C is mainly living at her other parent's house and only comes to ours maybe once a month. However, since DP and M rarely argue it means when they do it's BIG. It makes me so upset to see them like this as both have a very argumentative side. C on the other hand barely ever argues with DP - she's more shy/reserved. M has always been confident and extroverted and she's never afraid to speak her own mind and be herself which i've encouraged. Honestly, it's like two flames attacking each other and the fire just gets bigger and bigger until M is forced to apologise by DP.
DP has been so so helpful with M as they've known each other for 13 years now but M will see her biological dad a few times a month who are also very close.
I think it's a real problem that they may be too close in the sense that M might feel as if DP is trying to replace her dad (he does say that he's not a lot of the time if it does come up in conversation) but what do you think? Is it literally just two short tempered people having arguments and i'm being dramatic??

Just to explain a very recent argument to give you an idea: we had a family meeting to decide what we're doing tmrw as we're on holiday (all 4 of us) and we agreed on a small village to get lunch. DP suggested we wake up at 7am to get to the village by 9am but M did not take this lightly and suggested we wake up at 9am and get to the village by 11am. C stayed quiet (obviously) and so did I so it was back and forth. DP was very dismissive of M and shut her down whenever she tried to speak and he does this a lot. He has a sort of 'i'm the male, i'm the boss' mindset. M told him to shut up which DP told her off a lot for and i'm so worried that this relationship between them is getting really toxic, it's the smallest things that set them both off which ruins the whole miid for everyone else.
Anyway, DP said to M that she's just trying to show off to everyone and called her cocky and rude. And this is all whilst they're SHOUTING at each other.

It's become very awkward for everyone whenever this happens and it's getting way more common now since M has basically become an only child and I think that's difficult for her.
Please reassure me that this is normal or just call either one of them out, i don't care who i just need this to stop!!

My first thought is why do you need to wale up at 7am while on holiday to get somewhere for lunch at 9am? I'm with your daughter on this.

I'm also with your daughter on this one.

Getting up at 7 for lunch is crazy. It's her holiday too.

What's the point of arriving somewhere at breakfast time when you're going for lunch? Stop having family meetings if noone is allowed a say apart from your DP.
Good for M for standing up to him, you and C seem to have learnt that there's no point as he will just shout to get his own way.

DP was very dismissive of M and shut her down whenever she tried to speak and he does this a lot. He has a sort of 'i'm the male, i'm the boss' mindset.

This stood out for me as well. Not an acceptable attitude to have towards any female. Your daughter is 15, knows her own mind and how to stand up for herself. That's a very good thing.

How is it a family meeting if DH dictates what everyone does and dismisses opinions.

Why do you and C not feel able to give your opinion?

He's the adult and he needs to act like it. Not wind her up and shout her down.

She's a teen with much less control over her behaviour and emotions and she's being bullied by your husband whenever she tries to express a view.

I also wonder why have a family meeting to make decisions if he's in charge. Giving the illusion of choice is worse than someone just dictating what the

... dictating what the plan is.

I would be careful he doesn't alienate her to the point where she doesn't want to stay there like his daughter has. Why does she come so little?

Is there never compromise? What about 8am?

Where are you in all of this ?

Unless there's an absolutely compelling reason, waking up a pair of teens on holiday at 7am to visit a village for lunch is ridiculous. I mean frankly I wouldn't be keen myself.

You can't be Switzerland in all of this, or at least you can't be a quiet Switzerland. You need to tell them to stop shouting and discuss things calmly and you need to ensure that at the very least your vote carries a bit of weight.

Incidentally what was your personal preference for getting up time that morning on holiday?

Getting up at 7am on holiday to go for lunch?!?!

Regardless of the times...I don't understand why you or C wouldn't chime in if it's a family meeting? Why is it between DP and M?

Did he mean breakfast 🤣

Your DD was rude to tell your husband to shut up. You are the parents. I would not be accepting of being told to shut up. The dynamics sound awful.

Hmmm I guess I'd have nipped that in the bud early on in the conversation... nobody wants to be a the village that early!

Did you not chip in at all?
I'd probably have said let's compromise and be there a little later than 9am.
Or say "DP, is there something you wanted to see at 9am?"

Jeez getting two teens out of the house and in a village by 9am is not much fun for anyone!

I won't put up with arguing in my family, I grew up listening to my mum argue, and I won't have it now. If they are going to behave like toddlers, then give them a talking spoon so they have to take it in turns to speak and don't interrupt each other. Your dh needs to learn to listen and your dd needs to learn manners. You and your step daughter need to be heard.

Why aren't you supporting your daughter? Your husband is bullying her (and everyone else by the sound of it) and you sit there meekly letting it all happen. Does he says this sort of thing to pick an argument?

This is the quickest way to alienating yourself from her. She'll be off as soon as she can without a backward glance and you'll be left living with the bully.

Teenagers push boundaries - it's what they are programmed to do to prepare them (and you) for them leaving home. It's up to the adults in their lives to let them do this safely. Your husband is a bully and you're not supporting your daughter.

I suggest you take your husband to one side and read him the riot act - he starts behaving reasonably or he's out on his ear.

Oh and 2 other things

1). It's a scientific fact teenagers can't get up early - some schools have changed their start times accordingly.
2) If you tried to get me up at 7am,on my holiday, for a lunch date, there would have been a small nuclear explosion in the vicinity of Oxfordshire.
3) I'm happy to negotiate lunchtime, anything from 11.30-2.30, but 9am doesn't come close
4) yes I know I said 2 more things

Not normal to allow your husband bully your daughter.

Why are you allowing her to be bullied?
His dominant attitude is forcing her to stand up for herself as you sit by and allow it.

His daughter is passive to protect herself.
Your poor daughter.

OP's keeping quiet as per.

This isn’t a M and DP problem.

This is a you and DP problem.

You obviously allow him to dictate, shout down and you keep quiet with your opinions. Therefore your DD is the only one to talk and speak sense (getting up at 7am with teens is batshit). He obviously doesn’t take to kindly for being called out for his moronic suggestions and he’s asserting his dominance. Which you seem more than happy for him to do.

Hopefully Your DD has A better example of a father in her DF. She is lucky she has this other relationship.

If you don’t address your issues with DP and stop being so passive, you may find your DD will want to move in with her DF in the future.

Get yourself sorted OP. This guy sounds like a douche

Why did you 'stay quiet' for gods sake?

Their relationship issues are crying out for a common sense/voice of reason approach and you just keep quiet and let your DH dictate to everyone what is happening?? What is the point of the family meeting?

There would have been a road to compromise here, but they obviously push each others buttons too much to come to it naturally, YOU need to step in here, not pretend that it's none of your business!

Why is a grown man attacking a kid “like a flame”? That’s just weird.

I can’t believe anyone suggests arriving for lunch at 9am unless they are on a wind up. Why didn’t either you or C ask if he was taking the piss when he appeared to be taking the piss?

Having a man being all mannish and “we rise at seven!” For no reason than asserting his authority is fucking tedious. If he didn’t do it she wouldn’t be “wtf” about it.

You’ve shoved them together. You don’t get to sit about while they combust. They are your rats in your sack.

You are the parent. Why is your dp arguing with your dd?

In that instance-

Dp- we should leave at 7
M- I don't want to leave that early how about 9?
YOU- I can see both sides why don't we leave at 8.
Or also you - dp 7 is really early, 9 makes more sense

It's literally your job to advocate/parent your child. You should be disciplining if she is rude, you shouldn't be leaving her to defend herself to a grown man. And why is your dp arguing with a kid??

You need to put boundaries in place and start supporting your child.