Help! How to manage step child’s mother

[Pinkwinks35]

Really hoping for any tips/advice/support as this issue is starting to affect my mental health. My husband has an 11yo son who I have an excellent relationship with and have known since they were very young. We went through a very ugly court battle where mum tried to go for full custody, but joint custody was awarded so child spends time 50/50 in both homes. There’s always been an arrangement regarding phone calls/FaceTime with the other parent usually once every few days. Now my stepson has just got his own phone where we have set boundaries regarding screen time as we still feel he is too young to be glued to his phone like the teenagers are. However his mum is now constantly messaging him, and he’s told me he feels stressed because he worries she expects him to always be checking his phone and always be replying promptly. He has told me she becomes angry about most things to do with me/his dad, and any positivity about us she quickly squashes. I have no idea how to manage this, on one hand he is getting older and of course should be able to message his mum. On the other hand I know she can be very good at emotional blackmail and is swarming him with emotionally charged messages which starts to feel like an intrusion on our family time, and my stepson feels on edge that he must check and reply quickly. I don’t want to be accused of “stopping” her contacting and that isn’t my intention, talking to her about it is not an option as things are very hostile. Any tips/advice on what the hell we should do is really appreciated, I’m dreading family holidays because it will feel like she is basically coming on holiday with us in a way 😫Thanks in advance!

Could your Dss switch his phone off and then he can tell his mum he’s not allowed to have it on all the time.

Gosh we had exactly the same scenario.

Very toxic EW - my now DH had to take her to court to get access to see the kids or be able to phone them. She wouldn’t allow any contact / phone time outside of what was written into the contact order. He was only allowed to call the children 3 x per week at 6pm. If he phoned at 6:05 - the phone would go unanswered & a shitty message would follow saying he was late and wouldn’t be allowed to speak to them.

When the kids were 11 - dad got them mobile phones so he could contact them. The kids mum wouldn’t allow the kids to text or call dad but she would constantly text / call on dad’s contact time.

She was extremely persistent. When we were having dinner for example - we have a no phones at the dinner table rule. Mum would constantly call / text and the kids would get extremely stressed if they couldn’t answer. She would get angry if they didn’t respond / pick up immediately (and we are talking in excess of 6 calls per day on dad’s time when he only had them EOW. All this when dad was only ‘allowed’ to call on a Tuesday, Thursday & Sunday at 6pm.

Like you - this started to really stress me out as well.

We implemented a couple of ‘rules’

Phones on silent - if you missed a call / text, it was no big deal. And make sure you model this - if you don’t want to snow call you don’t have to and you can ring back at a time that suits you.

My DH & I don’t constantly carry our phones around. Model good behaviour - you don’t need to be glued to your phone.

No phones upstairs at night. Phones downstairs on charge. We’ve relaxed this now the kids are 15+

No phones during meals

Create your own boundaries and model them / stick to them. It does get better as the kids get older. I still remember the panic from my DSD when she was around 12 as she had 3 missed calls & 6 texts from her mum in 15 mins & she hadn’t responded. This is mums anxiety / control transferring to the kids and you need to manage it.

Good luck 🤞

I can't see how it has anything to do with you? His mother can message him whenever she wants. If your husband or your step son have an issue with it then they need to address it with her directly.

Bombarding him with calls and messages and getting upset if he shares anything positive while he’s not with her is horribly manipulative.

Suggest your DH advises his ex of times to call and DSS can switch it off inbetween.

Help him learn to deal with it.
He dies nit have to respond immediately
He can have set phrases

Hi mum I was busy with school work/out/watching a movie .....Yes I had a great day . Call as usual tomorrow at 8 pm

It's clearly bothering her stepson though and stressing him out. It's also having an impact on her household so it is her business.

Let me guess, you're not a step-parent. 🙄

Like PP have suggested, put some rules in place. I agree it's not healthy for a child to be constantly attached to a phone. It's also not healthy for him to constantly feel harassed by his mum when he's at his dad's house. She clearly has issues.

Your OH should message his ex and let her know that they've put restrictions on the phone usage and SS will reply to any calls and texts when he can. This takes the "blame" off your SS and puts in onto you so hopefully he doesn't feel as stressed at not replying straight away. Let him know you're doing this, explain your reasoning, so he knows you have his back and are managing his mum on his behalf. Tell him to let you know if she has a go at him about it and you'll deal with it. When the ex inevitably kicks off he should just reply with "I'll decide how to parent on my time. Thank you".

With regards to her being negative about you and his dad just keep doing as you are. Ensure he is heard and his feeling acknowledged without slagging off his mum. "I'm sorry you have to hear those things" "You can always talk to me and dad if you have any concerns"

He'll end up resenting her if she continues to behave like she's doing. My SS17 now lives with us full time after he worked out that the things his mum was saying about us wasn't true and it was in fact her who was the problem. He came and asked us to clarify a few things and we were honest with him. I think he respected that we'd never spoken badly of her in front of him despite having good reason too and despite all the nasty things she'd said about us. He sees her once a month now under duress.

It's hard dealing with someone like that. Just try to ignore her as much as possible.

This young boy has confided in the OP that he is stressed by him mum's behaviour around phone (ab)usage.

No doubt if the OP were to be taking the "not my circus, not my monkeys" approach, there'd be posts from the SM-haters that she obviously dislikes her stepchild.

OP - continue being a good human being and trying to help this child out.

I think getting his dad to set house rules along the lines suggested by earlier posters is the way to go.

It is never too early to start training your parents to not expect that you will always answer the phone.

Bingo. Here comes the ones who think that a step mother who has a child 50/50 in her home and who she has known for years has no say with regard to rules in their home and has missed the point that the child is stressed by the mother's actions.

Because she cares about him and doesn't want him to be stressed and uncomfortable? While he is in her house, he is partly under her care, and she is trying to help. I'll take a punt that you're a first wife...

It is bothering her step son, did you actually read the post?

He is already starting to resent her and says he has to pretend all the time with her because she will make him feel bad if he doesn’t agree with everything she says. SS says her messages to him are always reminding him what he’s missing with her and she is always the focus of the conversation no positive interest in what SS has been up to here. I’m sad it has come to this and of course I don’t want to be best friends, but had hoped we would be able to get on with our separate family lives privately and peacefully. Unfortunately she is very unhappy with her current partner and SS dad was the one who ended things with her (I was not the other woman or anything like that) so I know this gets mixed up in her communications and feels like its no longer about my SS. I just hope one day she can find some peace and happiness so that my SS is not impacted so much.

I think it is up to your DH to tell the mum the rules you have around phone usage and that her calls and messages won’t be answered straight away and that her constant contacting is upsetting your SS. I expect she will ignore this though so your DH needs to be prepared to keep repeating the message.
Your SS is bound to cop some backlash and will probably feel obliged to say to his mum something along the lines that he thinks his dad’s rules are unfair and I think you need to explain this is likely to happen to him beforehand and reassure him that you are supporting him.

You sound like a great stepmum in a difficult situation.

Thank you for highlighting this because it’s so true. Whichever approach the stepparent takes is the wrong one, damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Thank you for the kind words.