Building up to living together

[PaperRing]

First off, I am not a step-parent but I’m hopeful that this would be a good place to get advice from people who have been in similar situations previously.

I have been with my DP for about three years; he has two DC who are 5 and 6. I have no children. We have intentionally taken things quite slowly with regards to me seeing his DC - we were both keen to ensure that we saw a long-term future and didn’t introduce me too early. I first met the DC around a year ago, and we have built up the time I have spent with them slowly - starting off with meeting up in the park etc. for like an hour. (I will also add that the relationship between my DP and his ex-wife is reasonably strained - she was really opposed to me being 'allowed' to meet the DC at all and DP has historically been worried about her withholding contact. I am not saying this at all to paint her in a negative light, but feel it is important to give the full picture).

In terms of how things are now - they are going really well! I spend a lot of time with the DC when they are with my partner (he currently has them for one overnight per week and a couple of afternoons mid-week, with more frequent time during the holidays; he would like this to increase in future) and we get on really well. They seem happy and secure with me being around and ask if I can come over if I am not there. They have recently (in the last couple of weeks) started asking about sleepovers and asked if I can sleepover at their Dad’s house when they are there; I currently have never done this.

DP and I would like to move in together in hopefully the not-too-distant future - obviously, for this to happen we would want for me to stay over when he has the DC. To both of us, this feels like quite a big step and I don’t know if I am overthinking everything or if I am just being understandably cautious! Is there any point in me staying over but in spare room at first or just spending the night in DP’s bed? What should the message to his DC be? Also very conscious that DP’s ex-wife will not be happy with this development - I don’t think there’s a particular solution to this but it is still a consideration.

Hopeful bump!

I guess they're quite little still but do they know you stay over when they aren't there? I was really cautious of not invading her space when I first stayed at my DP's and used to bring everything home but his DD(12) doesn't seem in the least bit bothered by it so now I tend to leave toiletries and PJs and usually have a towel in the bathroom. The first time I had dinner at his house when she was there we decided I wouldn't stay that night and she asked why I was going home!
I wonder if going away somewhere for a night or two with them might make it easier to be on neutral territory and less like @PaperRing is sleeping in Daddy's bedroom? But if they're asking if you can have sleepovers with them it suggests they're ready for you do to so and won't even think twice about where you're actually sleeping! I wouldn't sleep in the spare room, that gives a mixed message if you later sleep in his bed. Does the ex-wife have a new partner? My DP's DD has a step-dad so she's been through this once before and I think it's made introducing me into her life a lot easier.

It sounds as if you couldn't have done more to approach this in a sensitive and sensible way. So just carry on like that.

I like @MiddleAgedDread 's idea of having the first sleepover in a neutral place. Maybe a weekend away.

Don't forget to maintain lots of time with just their Dad. And ignore the ex - ask your BF not to pass on any comments from her. She has no say in what happens during his time with his children or who they meet/spend time with.

Of course the children may/will mention you staying/moving in and if she starts to restrict access then he needs to take the legal route.

I think you might be over thinking it with regards to the children. They are only 5 and 6 so won't have the same hang ups adults do. If they've known you for a year and they like you they'll be delighted if you sleep over.

His ex doesn't have to like it. As the previous poster says, your partner needs to be prepared to stand up to his ex, legally if need be. You cannot let her feelings dictate this or she will try to control other aspects of your life.

You seem to have approached this well and the children are at great ages to be accepting of, rather than unsettled by, change.

Thank you all so much!

I do really like the idea of maybe doing a night away somewhere as a first step.

DP's ex-wife isn't in a relationship and so the whole 'DC being introduced to parent having a new partner' thing is very much down to us and so we are keen to make sure we get this right.

It is nice to have the reassurance that we are (hopefully) approaching this in the right way as much as possible - I am massively prone to overthinking in all aspects of my life and this is definitely creeping in here! It is also helpful to me to be able to share this thread with DP - he has typically been slightly more cautious than me (which I understand - they are his DC!) but there are also elements of ex-wife being unduly involved/critical and this has led to a productive conversation re: boundaries.

Fingers crossed next steps go well!

Why would you stay in a different room? They’d be more confused by you staying in a different room then not. They’ll understand the concept of a boyfriend and girlfriend at their ages. I’m all for putting DC first but don’t get too caught up in having to second guess yourself to this extent

Have you established why his relationship broke up leaving her with two babies/toddlers if you are with him 3 years?
You sound very considerate of his children but I am very wary of men who leave family when children are very small.
To be left with two tiny children is very hard.
I definitely judge men if they walk away from those hard slog years...so convenient.

I'd agree with others. I wouldn't overthink it too much. You've been together a few years, the kids like you, they'll love you sleeping over - it'll be so exciting for them! The first time I stayed over when DSD was at my DPs, I took popcorn, sweets, hot chocolate and we played games and watched a film 😊

Don't worry about the ex. None of her business. Just as it wouldn't be your DP's business if she started seeing someone else.