Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

My stepson lies so much it's casung so many problems.

9 replies

Mumtooneplusone · 08/08/2024 08:32

My step son is 15 and he's causing so many problems. We have had 50/50custody for years up until this year when he decided he wanted to live with his mum full time and come to us weekends. His lying and behaviour jas got so bad he's always in trouble at school he's so nasty to his sister. Which ever house he is at he's constantly making lies up about the other house. We have always just brushed off the comments he has made about his mum but his mum does not co parent and will do anything to cause trouble in our household. Recently his behaviour got so bad his mum refused to have him back at her house and he was living with us full time he was also refusing to go home to his mum. His behaviour has got so bad here he does get told off and he's gone running to his mum making out I'm this horrible person and never wants to come here again because of me when all I have done is try to stop the behaviour as it's now affecting my younger children. His mum has now decided to be spiteful and Try to claim maintenance when she has never paid anything for her other child who lives with us full time. It seems to be when the lying is about his mums household they are happy to blame him and not have him there but as soon as its about someone else and not them it's everyone else's fault. I feel stuck as I love my husband and don't want to split up my family but I then also feel guilty as my husband isn't getting to see his son and I'm at the point I can't keep forgiving this as it happens time and time again and it's me who is the one who's getting made out to be this horrible person.

OP posts:
EG94 · 08/08/2024 20:01

Let him pay the maintenance that’s due whether he sees the child or not. He sounds like a right handful is there any consequences to his behaviour? Always easier to blame the step parent Than the step child or the actual failings of the bio parents.

I’d tell your husband I’m taking a step back and you can take the lead. If he doesn’t want to come that’s fine but if he does lie there needs to be a consequence to this because it’s too much now and if that’s too much he can arrange contact outside of your home.

Babyghirl · 08/08/2024 23:47

Well tell the mother your putting in for child maintenance for the child that lives with you full time to, don't break up your family for the son either, dad can spend time with him outside of the home, he's 15 not 5 he knows what he's playing at and if you split he will have got what he wants.

Scarletrunner · 11/08/2024 07:55

Can you afford counselllin, family or individual?

socks1107 · 11/08/2024 08:37

We had this and it was just awful. In the end we believed nothing she said but everything was believed the other way.
She lied every single time she saw us and some of them dangerous for both houses, it was just dreadful the things she was saying.

I refused to be alone with her after she turned 16 ish, refused to let her be in the house without her dad here.

That was the natural consequence. She is an adult now and told some dreadful lies and after getting caught decided to cut contact rather than face us.
We never got to the root cause but suspect she wanted rid of me as one reason and she's stopped her mum ever moving on. It's so sad
I'd start giving natural consequences like calling every lie out, refusing to be alone with him etc

Purplecrush · 11/08/2024 18:25

Stop being used by your husband and his ex.
Refuse to be alone with him or for him to be in YOUR home without his father there.

Find your anger and stand up for yourself.
No one else will!

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 12/08/2024 11:50

Both of my step children are chronic liars. I have come to accept that if their mouths are moving, they are probably lying.

I think that being split between 2 homes where the parents cannot and do not co-parent effectively can have this effect on children. I used to lie as a child, (as I’m sure all children do,) but my parents would work together to stamp the behaviour out.

In a situation where the parents are not doing that, but instead one or both of the parents are actively or inactively rewarding the lying (and a reward to a child can be as little as just receiving more attention for the lying) I can see this behaviour bedding in.

I think it is a common and unintended consequence of high conflict divorce and a step parent cannot undo it.

Practically speaking, here’s what to do: let the CMS claim roll in and make sure your husband lets them know about all other children in your house, including your other step child. The amount will be found to be nil, or negligible. The ex will regret ever tangoing with the CMS. They are inept and bring nothing but stress.

Try to avoid being alone with your SS. Don’t write him off yet either. 15 is old enough to know better but by no means fully grown. In another 15 years, you might have a really fulfilling relationship with him and his own family.

Try not to run him down to his father - it will break your marriage and it’s not worth it.

123366g · 24/11/2024 16:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

lottiegarbanzo · 24/11/2024 17:01

@123366g you need to start your own thread.

And use paragraphs. No-one is going to read a solid screed like that.

Purplecrush · 24/11/2024 17:43

@123366g I think you should start your own thread, for best advice.

OP, your first obligation is to your 4 children who deserve to be safe in their home.

What exactly is the housing situation?
Can your husband move out for a bit?
You need to prioritise your children.
They need to be safe.
THAT is your priority.

How long are you with him and married if you have a 5 year old child?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread