Feeling a bit worn out

[NoisyTealWriter]

Hi,
I've never posted on here before, I'm not really sure why I'm posting at all, but here goes.
I have stepchildren and my own child with my partner. I love my stepchildren, we have them regularly. I'm just struggling with the amount that I have to deal with my partners ex, my partner is useless at replying to messages so all of the organising and information gets sent to me to reply, or I have to hound him to respond to her. Also, she is very scatty so times and things can be very loose and I struggle with that as I like to know what's happening. When I mention this to my partner, he told me last night that 'I have a chip on my shoulder about her' and he just thinks I don't want to see the kids, but I do, I love them very much. I just feel incredibly unsupported by him all the time. I just feel things are expected of me, he went away for the weekend and I looked after all the kids, we had a great time, but he doesn't even say thanks? Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting praise or anything just a simple thanks for sorting the kids would have been nice?

This is not ok. He seems to be so laid back and unbothered because he knows someone else will pick up his slack. What of you just stopped? Stop pestering him to reply to her, stop being her point of contact, stop agreeing to have the kids when he's not there. Let him deal with it all. Make plans for yourself and your child and if things change last minute because of the ex or because he hasn't responded then that's his mess to clean up.

You can't control how other people behave but you can control how you allow it to impact you. He is gaslighting you. How can he accuse you of not wanting to see the kids when he can't even be bothered replying to make arrangements with his ex.

I'd message the ex and let her know from now on she should make all arrangements via him and leave you out. If the relationship with her is good, assure her that it's nothing she's done but that he needs to take more responsibility for his kids. Tell him the same. That you love having the kids but you feel taken for granted and unappreciated and you feel drained. Tell him you will be taking a step back from organising things regarding the kids which will give you more energy to enjoy them while you have them. If he accuse you of not caring about the kids just say something like "if you say so". Don't rise to it or fall for the guilt trip. He knows exactly what he is doing.

Stop enabling him. He is an adult and if he is managing to hold down a job he can figure out his children. Have higher standards, you deserve them.

Slowly, very slowly, back away from running his life admin. When things go wrong, sympathise, "oh, I'd have loved to have seen them too...". Do not take the blame or talk about guilt, just be busy with your own life.

Until he has the space to 'adult', he will continue to 'child'. You aren't his mum!!

What would happen if you just didn't respond to his ex? It might sound drastic but I'd be tempted to block her and see what happens.

Thanks for your responses everyone, I appreciate it.

I have a good relationship with my partners ex, I think I will message her and say that I'm going to leave all messaging / organising etc between them from now on and it's nothing against her.

He is a great dad. Just maybe not the best partner sadly, he is not good with talking about things, if ever I'm upset or bothered by something, over the years I've just learnt to hold it in as he'll get annoyed. I don't think my feelings matter. Anyway sorry about the pity party, thanks again for responding.

Why are you staying?

If he was a great dad he wouldn’t be ignoring the needs of his children, or going away on the weekene he would be spending time with them, if he was a great dad he wouldn’t just be seeing them at the weekene.

Perfect advice from PP's OP, it's not easy but the only way to fix this is to drop the rope and stop taking up everyone else's slack. His ex needs redirecting back to the person she's actually co-parenting with (DH) and any issues or changes to plans are his to sort, your response to him trying to dump them on you needs to be grey rock so 'oh really DH, hope you manage to get it sorted' rather than getting involved. Become busy, less available and make a point of having plans when you know/suspect you're likely to be used as default parent.

It will take time for everyone to adjust to your new boundaries and you will get some push back, DH (and maybe even his ex!) will accuse you of not caring about SDC, not wanting them there etc so you'll need grey rock for that too. Do not rise to it, I found just saying 'I can't believe you'd accuse me of that' while shaking my head and walking away the best response as DH knew as well as I did that it was patently not true, he just didn't like me stepping back as it meant he had to step up!

To some degree you do have to separate yourself though, it's really easy to slip into being the default 'fixer' and lose your own voice in this situation so you need to stand up for your own needs or resentment creeps in. It's really important to not be too available, don't let either DH or his ex rely on you to the extent that no one even bothers asking if you mind anymore, they need to hear 'no, I'm busy that day' regularly ime so they learn not to assume you will step in. The training period will be rough now though as patterns have already been established, it can still be done but prepare for a bumpy ride, sorry OP.

They're his DC, he doesn't get to be rubbish at messaging about them Op. He leaves it all to you because he knows you'll pick up the slack and when you don't he guilt trips you, that's not being a good DP or a good DF. Toughen up Op, his job now, once it's all gone wrong a time or two he'll hopefully pull himself together

How did he manage before you arrived to manage his relationships and contact schedule? How would he manage if you dumped him (for being lazy, selfish and a crap partner) and he had to do it himself?

He's not a great dad, all the life admin is part of being a parent.

Is he a partner or a husband? There is a difference.
He is using you as unpaid skivvy aupair.
It is a common theme on MN, that nice kind naive women get sucked into being a skivvy aupair to a lazy selfish prick who is an avoidant father.
He's neither a good man nor father.
He is a bully who is abusive when you try to speak up.
Many is the poster who has found their voice and up and left with their child, leaving him to deal with HIS children.
He had a child with you to tie you to him, make NO mistake about that.
Have a hard think about the life you want for you and your child going forward.
Do you work, have family support, have someone to stay with?
Take off with your child and visit family, leaving him to HIS children.
This is your sad life if you continue to allow him to bully and use you.
YOU deserve better.

if ever I'm upset or bothered by something, over the years I've just learnt to hold it in as he'll get annoyed. I don't think my feelings matter.

I'm so sorry OP. He's not a nice person. He doesn't care about you, sadly. He's not a good dad. Good dads treat their partners with care and respect. He's only interested in what you can do for him to make his life easier, not who you are as a person.

Have a look into coercive control - belittling, gaslighting, accusing you of things you haven't done, ignoring your feelings etc. I'm sure you will recognise many of his behaviours.

It probably seems overwhelming right now but you might like to consider leaving him, being on your own with your child and then maybe finding someone far nicer and kinder to be with.

As for the stepchildren - hand responsibility right back to him. They're his kids and he can make arrangements for them.

A lot of people react like this to other people expressing upset as they don’t know how else to and they were never taught how to manage other peoples feelings which is where counselling can come in quite usefully. My DH would interpret things as an attack against him but has been able to adjust to more of a problem solving approach.

With the children I have purposefully not got myself involved in DSD logistics for this reason and if my DH is unorganised then it’s for him to sort out the issues that may cause. When I leave him to it he’s fine even if things are done at the last minute and I’ve had to adjust to that. In those circumstances I only help if it works for me; I won’t change my plans at the last minute just because he’s failed to plan ahead