My situation

[Crazystupidlove55]

Hey,

I’d like some advice on my situation. Off the back of other posts about finances.

Been with OH since 2021, moved in to his house last year, I was private renting prior to this. Me and OH made an arrangement that I’d contribute X amount toward bills, and he’s told me he’s written in his will, should anything happen, I could remain living in this house, but the house will end up going to his two children.

In all honesty, I haven’t thought this through for the long term, but what are your opinions on our arrangement? Please be kind…

I work full time and on a alright salary - not rolling in it, have two children myself, I’m in mid thirties, he’s early forties and earns well. He pays for two houses currently and all the bills, until the divorce settlement and financial order is done, it has been ongoing for a long period.

My questions, are more off the back of reading posts on here, because his ex keeps commenting on my income - she knows what it is from their financial disclosure, and I don’t want her coming for any of my income.

Also, he lost his job in Jan, is having money issues since as his new job isn’t paying as well as previous job did. So he reduced maintenance by X amount. He still pays above the CMS calculation and for the house she lives in and all the utilities. Recently he’s cancelled her Netflix and car insurance, and said she can start paying that… she works less than part time, and claims to need to be available to the children as their primary parent, they are in school and 13 and 9…

Have you seen his will?
What happens if you split up?

Not seen the will. If we split, I’d be looking for a private rent again.

Depends on what X amount is. You should be paying 50% towards utility bills (maybe less if his DC stay over) but not paying rent so that he makes a profit from you as such.

So you should be able to purchase your own property as your own security

You are in a very precarious situation. You need to secure your own roof over your head. What if you split up and you are just about to retire? You will be homeless in your 60s. I would look at buying your own place, you can still date him and spend time at his place or yours. What if being a step mum is a nightmare, you will have no escape.

Alternativly buy some where and rent out whilst living with him.

Just realised he is now short of money?, I think you would be mad to live with him, secure your own home for you and your children.

I have no way of securing my own home. No deposit, no savings. I’ve been a single mother renting for over 11 years, I’ve never been able to save.

In that time I have been to uni, and got a career, earning £45k ish.

I would be looking to secure my own and my children’s future rather than just move in with someone. You were in private rented accommodation before - was buying a house in your future? Is it achievable for you on your income? It would give you a lot more stability than living in someone else’s house who may or may not have it written in his will you can live there. A will can be changed at any time after all.

Sorry OP, you posted while I was typing. Even in your position unless saving on rent meant I was able to save for a deposit or be saving in an ISA or similar for my future I would rather be in my own rented house.

Surely you are now much better off than when you were in rented, can not start saving now ready to buy a property on the future?

Even a 1 bed would be an investment.

I am yes, I’ve never really had disposable income…

But it is just occurring to me, that I may be paying towards a house/his mortgage more than is ideal, and need to suggest I’m not paying as much, or for loads of the food shops, new bedding for everyone (amongst other things especially while OH is short currently), quite as much, because I’m not saving.

You definitely shouldn't be buying bedding for his kids, or more than half (less if the kids are visiting) of the food shops. Sounds like you'd be better off having a joint account specifically for food and bills to which you contribute equally.

Yeah it’s become - taking turns for food shops, yet I do big ones and he buys a small shop, don’t get me wrong, he’s very generous when he can be, but because of the most recent comments from his ex about my money and our joint income, I feel like I need to have more boundaries because he’s probably lapping up me paying left right and centre, so he can pay and placate her.

Do your children live with you? If so, I should think your contribution to the household should be more than 50%. I reckon I'd be a bit pissed off if an X reduced payments to our children to support another women's kids.

However, I agree with posters that say you are in a precarious position. You should be focusing on your own security.

My children do live here yes, and see their dad every other weekend maybe for one overnight, it’s always been this way, he’s never wanted to have more, he’s always worked and never paid correct maintenance. There were three years where he paid zero maintenance, he’s paying now.

You do realise that if he does actually have a will there is no way he will have stated that you can stay in the house after he dies.

I trust him - I think he has, I do think I could ask him tonight and he’d show me.

That’s a good idea.

You are in the most precarious of positions.
Stop paying for stuff for his house.
You desperately need savings so that you can rent if needs be.

I’m going to start building savings. I guess because I’ve never been in a position to, I’ve been enjoying having a bit extra and being able to have treats here and there.

He calls it our house, he’s paid for lots as well, I’m not sat here thinking we are separating, but it’s just made me think contingency and hearing everyone else’s situations.

It’s massively helped me, in terms of finances, and I do sincerely love and trust him - in the beginning he didn’t share in major details how problematic his ex is, she caused him to be isolated from his family, I’m hearing from them how awful she used to be toward him, it’s nice knowing he’s been able to re establish the family relationships.

Why not?

this is exactly what my dad has in his will with regards to my step mum. If he dies first she can live in the house as long as she wants however she has no financial claim on it and it will go to me and my siblings.

If your outgoings are less than they were while privately renting then you should be in a better position financially. I don't see the difference between paying towards his mortgage and paying towards some random landlord's mortgage. You were never going to be in a position to buy so nothing has changed in that respect. Are there any intentions to marry this man?

I do think it's a bit ridiculous that he is paying maintenance as well as the mortgage and utility bills for his ex. What exactly is she paying? It's his responsibility to pay towards his kids, not give his ex a free ride. But ultimately, unless he's expecting you to subsidise him because of this then leave him to it. He's a mug, but not your circus, not your monkeys. Oh, and she can't touch your income. It's none of her business.

@Crazystupidlove55
Did you talk about the will? Did he show you?

@DaisyChain505
Did your stepmother move in with your father and within a year he has a will giving her the right to live in the house for the rest of her life?

My dad cheated on my mum with my stepmum, then went on to live with my dad, still together now… my dad left my mum with nothing and barely paid maintenance and tried to be the rich parent and brag about his worth. Is that relevant?