Wondering whether to walk away

[Grownupandlovingit]

Hi. First post.
I’m a mum to an almost 18 year old daughter who is independent, self sufficient and great company. It’s been hard work as a single mum and I’m reaping the rewards with the efforts I’ve put in. All good, except she has her own life and I need to focus on me now.
So, I started seeing this man a couple of years ago. He lost his three boys in a bitter divorce custody battle. He too agreed that it was time that we did our thing now and travel etc which we do, but his boys constantly come between us as he has a lot of guilt over them.
Ive got to the point where I’m struggling to cope with their existence!
Can anyone either relate or offer advice?
His sons are 16, 18 and 20.

If he lost his children in a custody battle - how do they now interfere?
What happens if you just book a holiday?
Is it more that he has guilt about his boys?

He is so unhappy still that his ex wife got them and missing them growing up that he gives them every opportunity to come over and stay when they want to. And he runs around after them like you wouldn’t believe.
We do have holidays and they are just us two, they’re wonderful. It’s what we agreed we would be doing when we first started seeing each other. It’s just the knowing that he would drop everything should they ‘need’ him. Drives me insane. It seems more like his need, than theirs.

I'm afraid you will never be able to change the way he treats his boys and it worries me a little that you are irratated that he would drop everything should they need him! any parent would drop everything if their child needed them.. would you not do the same for your daughter?

You say you are already doing all the things you said you wanted too, and that its the knowledge that he would drop everything? does he actually drop everything?

They are 16, 18 and 20.. the youngest still needs his dad. How often does he actually see the boys? how often do they stay with their dad?

You actually sound jealous

You're not cut out to be a step mum. Move on.

You can't fight guilt especially when it's not your own. He won't change as he doesn't see the need to change. So you either accept this life or you move on.

Well she doesn't really need to be when they're all almost grown up.

Maybe a conversation with him about putting some boundaries in place? Of course he's going to want to see them but it shouldn't be at the cost of his relationship all the time.

He puts his kids first as he should, grow up

I'm sure you would drop him if your daughter needed you no ?

It's very unusual for a parent to completely lose contact with their kids. Court would only grant that if there was serious issues on that parents side. I'd be taking his side of the story with a pinch of salt to be honest. It's easier to be a dad now that they're all adults.

It's not the boys that are the problem here it's your OH. Dad guilt is very difficult to fight. I can't imagine things are going to change much so if you can't handle the way things are then I think it's best to walk away.

He probably has a lot of making up to do, children who are hospitalised due to a parent can still be made to do for contact, so why the hell did he get zero.

If you're not happy and you CBA with 3 kids that aren't yours then walk away. Why not? No one is making you stay in a relationship which doesn't suit you.

Sitting him down and telling him that he can't see his boys or that they're pissing you off isn't the right thing to do.

If he hasn't had much contact with his kids over the years and now they're back in his life, then no wonder he wants to spend time with them and make up for those lost years. You should be happy for him and support him to do that, no?

But in the end, if it doesn't suit you, it doesn't suit you. If you want to travel all the time and have that freedom without needy young adults taking your man's attention then I wouldn't blame you for leaving. I'm actually not being snarky here. Plenty of adults want a child free relationship once their own DCs are grown. Absolutely fair enough.

The alternative way to look at is I'd rather be with a man who cared and had morals than someone who didn't give a shit about his children 16, 18 and 20 year olds still need their parents. I'm guessing you'd drop everything for your daughter if she needed you, I know I would for my 18 year old daughter.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to post.
i think I probably am jealous and that’s not a feeling I’m used to. It’s interesting to hear people’s feedback as when you’re in a situation you sometimes can’t see the wood for the trees.
i would expect him to drop things if they needed him but it’s more than he needs them. Of course I would go to my daughters aid if she needed it but she is capable and doesn’t really demand my attention much in that way.
I’ve decided to give the relationship a bit of space and do things on my own like I used to before.
Thanks very much for the feedback. ❤️

Yes but you had the experience of being there the majority of the time. This isn't the relationship for you. He has likely a long road of trying to compensate for time and experiences missed.

Yes, it’s more dad guilt than the kids. It’s difficult because I’ve always had my daughter with me and I’ve got a good relationship with her dad with whom I split with 10 years ago.
i know I’ll never be with a man with kids after this unless I know they’re grown up and sorted out. Should there be another man, of course.
Thanks for your comment.

Not all dad's are like this though. My DSS17 lives with us full time and very much does his own thing. He contributes to the household and abides by the house rules. DH and I go away on holidays and overnights without him. The difference is, my DH doesn't have dad guilt as he's always been in his life.

Ruling out dads is going to find meeting someone quite different. Maybe just rule out absent dads riddled with dad guilt.

Absolutely, a bit more on the careful questioning when doing the dating. My daughter’s dad is all good about the fact his daughter lives with me and I’ve always encouraged him to see her as much as he wants and her to see him as much as she wants.

Hi, It sounds like he has making up to do and it's good that he wants to. If he's not the one for you then that's ok. It's also ok to carve out couple time and plenty of time for him to be a Dad. good luck x

Very wise to keep your own home and distance OP.
This won't ever be a runner, he has too much guilt.
Better to move on.