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Step-parenting

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Original poster

LAT (living apart together) & relationship minus children?

13 replies

ZOBALE · 21/07/2024 19:19

I am a single mom (my son is 3, my daughter is 1,5 ). I have dated this great man for almost a year (single dad with a daughter: 6). We both have our kids 50/50. we have 2 weekends per month to spend as a couple and 2 nights during the week, every 2 weeks. Plus we are neighbors! He gets along very well with my children, he comes over during the week for dinner, my children ADORE this man….
The problem is that I cannot stand his daughter, he has a different style of parenting (he basically says yes to everything, no boundaries, no consequences for misbehavior). I believe in rules, boundaries…my children are used to this, and I don’t want them exposed to such behavior. I find her very spoiled, she has attention-seeking behavior, she gets under my nevres...bedtimes are complicate with her...
Is it possible to continue a relationship without seeing his daughter?(long-term-wise)I drew the line very early that I do not accept such behaviors and I do not want children to spend time with each other anymore (my son was starting to mimic her behavior and would get punished obviously, while she would get away with it, it was very confusing for my son), there was alot of tension between us everytime she was around.
He has accepted the fact that I do not wish to blend our families, I am willing to make an effort and see him from time to time with his daughter (I bite my tongue not to say anything when she misbehaves). I honestly don’t see myself going on holiday with his child. I dont want my children to hang out with her.
Can I just see him on his own? We can go on holidays as a couple? He can join me and my children but when his daughter is not around…but I feel like excluding his daughter like this will cost me at some point. Has anyone ever tried to make such a relationship work? he is very defensive about his daughter but so far has accepted this way of living, I am wondering if this will last

OP posts:
lunar1 · 21/07/2024 20:12

Wonder why he's defensive of the daughter you can't stand.

NewNameNigel · 22/07/2024 08:09

Surely there's a middle ground between completely blending families and excluding his daughter. If you really can't stand to be around her then itL can't work.

Toolittletoolatehmm · 22/07/2024 08:20

It's not his daughter's fault she's had shit parenting.

If he was a better parent she wouldn't have the behaviours you hate so much. It's not her fault, it's her dad (and mum) who've enabled this.

This relationship doesn't have a future.

Livinghappy · 22/07/2024 08:39

If you can't form a bond with his daughter then you won't have a relationship long-term. His daughter comes with him and excluding her means HE should break up with you.

Currently you might feel you have the "power" to ask for separate time but he will end up resentful of you.

Sometimes it happens that you don't click with a child and that's a warning because it usually means the child's traits/behaviour are actually similar to the parents (just that you can't see it yet because you are in honeymoon phase).If he allows his daughter to be inconsiderate it's probably because he has that trait

I've been there so speak from personal experience.

You also got together when you had a very small baby so might be worth thinking if you have had enough time to decide what you want in a relationship. I would be very cautious about the dependence you (and your children) are creating on him.

MiddleAgedDread · 22/07/2024 11:17

I agree with the PP, I can't see this lasting long term and it's not fair to include him in things with your children but not do things with her when he's got contact time. Your kids are all young, you've got years of this to go through yet and "unbalanced" parenting / family groups will become more apparent to the kids as they get older and his daughter is likely to feel she's treated unfairly (unless she hates you as much as you hate her!)

Original poster
ZOBALE · 22/07/2024 11:19

Livinghappy · 22/07/2024 08:39

If you can't form a bond with his daughter then you won't have a relationship long-term. His daughter comes with him and excluding her means HE should break up with you.

Currently you might feel you have the "power" to ask for separate time but he will end up resentful of you.

Sometimes it happens that you don't click with a child and that's a warning because it usually means the child's traits/behaviour are actually similar to the parents (just that you can't see it yet because you are in honeymoon phase).If he allows his daughter to be inconsiderate it's probably because he has that trait

I've been there so speak from personal experience.

You also got together when you had a very small baby so might be worth thinking if you have had enough time to decide what you want in a relationship. I would be very cautious about the dependence you (and your children) are creating on him.

Thank you so much for your answer . You are absolutely right. He is a package and comes with his daughter, I cannot exclude her daughter, I need to either accept her partially or let them go. I honestly won't accept a man who does not like/get along with my children, that's a deal breaker. Regarding his character, he is too nice, he can't say no to his child, he doesn't want to upset her ...it's crazy

OP posts:
Original poster
ZOBALE · 22/07/2024 11:28

MiddleAgedDread · 22/07/2024 11:17

I agree with the PP, I can't see this lasting long term and it's not fair to include him in things with your children but not do things with her when he's got contact time. Your kids are all young, you've got years of this to go through yet and "unbalanced" parenting / family groups will become more apparent to the kids as they get older and his daughter is likely to feel she's treated unfairly (unless she hates you as much as you hate her!)

Thank you! It makes sense, I feel like a wicked step mom when I exclude her, it's not fair and he will end up hating me for that. I just perhaps need to find a middle ground so that everyone is happy. (His daughter actually likes me, that's the irony )

OP posts:
Original poster
ZOBALE · 22/07/2024 11:32

Toolittletoolatehmm · 22/07/2024 08:20

It's not his daughter's fault she's had shit parenting.

If he was a better parent she wouldn't have the behaviours you hate so much. It's not her fault, it's her dad (and mum) who've enabled this.

This relationship doesn't have a future.

Thank you for your honesty and the harsh truth. I know it is NOT the child. Things need to change, or it is not going to work, that's for sure

OP posts:
Original poster
ZOBALE · 22/07/2024 11:34

NewNameNigel · 22/07/2024 08:09

Surely there's a middle ground between completely blending families and excluding his daughter. If you really can't stand to be around her then itL can't work.

Yes, I need to meet him half way or it's a dead end

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 22/07/2024 11:41

he is too nice, he can't say no to his child, he doesn't want to upset her

"too nice" is unlikely to be the reason. Parents who can't discipline or are unable to see the impact of a child's behaviour have more complex issues than simply being too kind.

It can be to avoid conflict or because they are unwilling to devote time and energy to the task of discipline which is why he may be defensive.

If his daughter is poorly behaved at 6 you will have a nightmare life from 10 onwards as puberty starts and she goes to secondary. An essential building block, with blending a family is to have common parenting strategies as it affects every daily interaction. I've learned from this as it only every gets worse (especially if you can't talk about your different parenting approaches).

Illpickthatup · 23/07/2024 07:06

He's a lazy parent and he's letting his daughter down big time by not having boundaries with her. It's nothing to do with being nice. My DH and I are both nice. There's never any shouting in our house, the kids get nice treats and holidays etc but there are boundaries and rules. Children need that and parents who can't say no or have boundaries are failing at parenting. It's not about being nice it's about doing anything for an easy life because he can't he arsed dealing with a crying child.

Personally, that would give me the ick. I'd be walking away because of that. It's not the child's fault at all but it's easy to blame her when you're in love with her father.

AppleCream · 23/07/2024 07:10

I think your way is okay if you want a casual, "friends with benefits" type of arrangement and you're both happy with that in the long term. But if you envisage it getting more serious over time then you can't just exclude his DD.

Marblessolveeverything · 23/07/2024 07:41

This is not the relationship for you. Can you actually hear how you are talking about a six year old child.

Don't continue this because it won't end well and there are three innocent children in the mix. The fact you even asked how to continue without her on your family's life should be clarity this isn't a runner.

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