Do you attend SDC events

[Needamagicfairy]

I gave 2 sdc 7&9. Both do sports clubs on the weekend. DP and ex both attend if they are free,doesn't matter who the children are with that weekend. All fine of course and nice for sdc to have both watching.
My issue is that dp doesn't want me to go. These matches are most weekends in the season meaning he's out for hours with travel etc. He won't give me a reason I'm not allowed (not every week but sometimes I'd like to go to show sdc I'm interested in their activities) I suspect it's because he thinks ex won't like me being there.
They have a strained relationship anyway so it's not like they get on well and would be stood chatting.
So my question is, do you attend sdc events with your dp/dh or it is for parents only?
Mine are older so not an issue but dp came to uni open day with us

I go to some now but that is because of my DS and so DH can support DSS whilst I can focus on DS. DSS mum doesn't like this but relationship between DH and her has substantially improved over the 7 years to a certain level of amiableness which we will take. It's hard, but your DP is trying to do right by his child and not rock the boat further if he and the Mum don't get on. Their child will want to see them both there over anyone else supporting them. But they will appreciate your support too. Ask questions and show enthusiasm at their feedback afterwards so they know you care!

I'm the one who goes to dsd's things because quite frankly her mum doesn't, for her sake I'd rather her mum have the ticket (my dp gets on well enough with his ex to sit together) but for the past 3 years I've been the one, and just me if dp is away for work. Luckily she's an adult so not so many things these days, she drives herself. BTW I get on ok with her mum too so it's not even a case of her or me. Dsd lives with us full time.

I go to alot of dss things. His mum isn't on the scene so maybe slightly different.
I dont go to every football match as use that time to ride my horse but attend every school event just like I do for my dd

If he won’t give you a reason then maybe it’s because his children have expressed that they prefer it just being their parents and he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

Maybe they are aware that their Mum would prefer you not to go and so they go along with that. Occasions when a separated mum and Dad are together and getting along can be quite special for a child.

I think you have to just respect what your partner has asked for without trying to change it.

DP has always wanted me at the kid events.

This strategy wasn’t well thought through on his part.

When a relationship is strained adding another element of potential strain can be like poking a wasps nest. It was in my case.

After much conflict, DP and exw started going to things together and would sit together. Kids liked this.

Adding me to the mix was a disaster.

Exw would refuse to say hello to me or acknowledge my existence, and whisk kids off so they can’t sit with dad (and me). Kids upset and confused. Mummy and daddy always sit together. But now this isn’t allowed. They don’t know why. They are possibly being directed to blame me for it. They don’t, but also they don’t know if it’s ok to come and say hi to me and dad.

Exw has behaved like this even at events DP would drive her to (she doesn’t drive). She did it at birthday parties, prize giving ceremonies and school plays. She did it when I was in the car.

DP did last week build up the courage to tell her if she expects him to drive her I might be in the car and she would have to at least say hello back to me if I am there.

Exw can’t countenance the idea of saying hello to me. Latest event (I wasn’t there) she got a relative to drive her.

New problem.

The relatives hate DP. They have said such awful things about him to the kids he’s got a prohibited steps order to prevent alienation. They ignore it. I see future events where we’re all at a class assembly like Israel and Gaza at the UN, kids forced to shuttle between the two parties like miniature diplomats, parents and teachers looking at us all like WTF.

I can’t be part of this crazy. This can’t be my life.
Ive decided to stop attending things. Exw won’t change. I can do my bit by minimising the impact of the crazy on the children.

I don’t know your situation but mine showed that the showing up together thing is tricky. Men who resist poking the wasps nest might be quite smart.

What I have asked is that DP and ex split the events depending on whose day it is. I’ll go with him when exw isn’t there.

He needs to consider if that is detrimental to the children and I’ll have to accept his judgement.

So rubbish. My exh has a lovely helpful partner, we view each other as members of the same child focused team. We wouldn’t socialise independently of my kid but we have no issue being friendly and behaving like adults.

My DH has a very toxic & volatile EW (they’ve been divorced over 11 years and it hasn’t improved with time).

When he attended a primary school parents evening with his EW (as the school refused 2 separate sessions) she told him to f’uck off in front of their son (then 7) and the teacher.

This is one of the reasons he doesn’t attend any events she attends - so hasn’t attended school plays etc as he worries that her behaviour will upset the children.

She has had to be removed from our front door by the police (3 years ago) when she wasn’t happy about something and was abusive (in front of the children).

I’ve never attended an event. I don’t want to put myself in the line of fire & it would likely be uncomfortable for the children.

It’s such a shame when adults can’t put their differences aside and behave like adults for the children.

In our case I believe she has a personality disorder - so we are not dealing with a normal adult.

Good luck 🤞

It depends on how many ‘parents’ can attend. If it’s limited - I.e. only two tickets available then mum & dad go. If more are allowed, then I also go. We don’t make an effort to sit together but if we ended up sitting together then it’s fine.

If it's a ticketed school event she takes both tickets and gives one to her mother so dp can't attend at all. She does pick ups due to job hours. Dp offered to do half so she could increase hours but she would prefer to claim UC her words not me assuming.
This is weekend sports stuff I'm mainly talking about

Occasionally but I also have my own kids and a shared DC so busy with them.

Weekend sports stuff, I could think of nothing worse 😂I don't even want to go for my own, but I can go I want to.

The ex was insistent I wasn't 'allowed' to go to anything at school but she can't stop me, so I've been to assemblies etc occasionally.

I don’t. I have enough to contend with taking time to see my own child’s school events.

I think if their mum is there, going along too really isn't helpful. Your partner has said not to go along, so I'd leave it. Enjoy a lie-in instead.

If the mum was no longer around, that would be different, but she is.

I go to everything as it's actually me who organised and takes my DSD to all her hobbies. Her mum just shows up for the "I'm so proud" Facebook photo.

We sit at opposite ends of the room and just avoid her.

It's concerning that he can't be honest with you about the reason and if it's just to appease his ex then that's a bit worrying. He shouldn't be putting what she wants before you.

Why would you go? The child has their mother and father attending. Surely by attending in the described circumstances all you are doing is aggravating the situation.

I didn’t go because I knew it’d aggravate things with the ex and it wasn’t worth it. If DSC asked me then I’d have seen it differently but I think they also knew that mum wouldn’t like it and wanted to keep the peace; sad on their behalf but it falls into the many things that I’ve had to accept I have no control over and made peace with to manage being a step parent without frustration consuming me

In my case, because my SC asked me to.

And if both parents are happy then crack on. But personally I believe if there is an issue I would step back and let the parents enjoy their child's activities. I would prioritise the parents being comfortable over a want of the child. There are plenty of time to see them engage in their practice time.

Life is tough enough for children in these situations.

DSS, yes. Love my step-son and he calls me his second mum. DSD, no. We’ve never really got on tbh.

I disagree @Marblessolveeverything I believe in being led by what the children want, not what the adults want. The adults comfort is not the priority here.

If my SC specifically ask me to come to something then I will because it's what they want. If their mother has a problem that's her issue and she really should put her kids feelings first rather than her own. And yes, it has in the past meant that she has missed out but that was her decision. DSC have wanted me to come along with my DS (their half-sibling).

They're old enough now that they see what's going on and just roll their eyes.

On the other hand, my own DC also have a stepmother, live and let live I say. We're not really on speaking terms (no beef, just don't talk) but if she wants to come to events, and support my DC that can only be a good thing. I'm not going to stand in the way and potentially affect the relationship they have with her.

So if your step kids decide they don't want to see their dad anymore is thst ok because it's their choice or would your husband insist that they keep to their routine because it's in their best interests?

So if your step kids decide they don't want to see their dad anymore is thst ok because it's their choice or would your husband insist that they keep to their routine because it's in their best interests?

At their age now? It's their call. My own DS has decided he wants to be at his father's more now (it used to be 50/50) and that's fine by me. Is it ideal? No. Would I prefer him here? Yes. Would I force him? No! My DH would also never INSIST that they stuck to the routine if it wasn't what they wanted, on the same tack, if they wanted to move in with us full-time, we'd also accommodate.

I'll stand by, that I am child-led. Adults butthurt feelings shouldn't come into it.The majority of threads on this board complain about people not putting the kids first. I won't apologise for putting the children ahead of grown adults.

Well I disagree my late wonderful mother was humiliated by having the OW step mother at events in the community.

We as children didn't want her there. But my so called df loved hurting my mother.

What another woman would ever take steps to make her comfortable around her own flesh and blood is beyond me.

We as children didn't want her there. But my so called df loved hurting my mother.

@Marblessolveeverything But that's the difference, you the children didn't want her there, so that should have been respected.