I’ve broke up with my boyfriend because of his children and his relationship with his ex

[Emily2709]

I’m just after a bit of reassurance that I’m not crazy and that my feelings are valid.

I’ve recently broke up with my ex partner because I couldn’t handle my feelings for his children and the relationship he has with his ex partner.

We were living together for about 4 months after he was quite determined that moving in together was the right thing to do- I agreed because I did really love him and it just made sense, we had only been together 7months at this point. His has two sons, 4 & 7 to his ex partner who is to put it kindly very hard work. He argues with her about the boys constantly and she’s very interested in our relationship- she found out where I worked and how old I was through social media and waved it in front of his face and when he questioned how she knew she made something up about having people in common which he didn’t challenge. My ex is 37 and I’m 27 and his eldest questioned my age and stated that his dad was 37 and I just responded ‘I know he’s old isn’t he’ and he just looked really confused like he didn’t understand and I just felt really sorry for him.

it didn’t dawn on me until recently that my partner had not actually told his children I’d moved in with him after his eldest asked me when I would be going home and he didn’t correct him of anything. I think this is because he didn’t want to tell his ex that I had moved in for some reason or other.

His children are very sweet but I fear they are incredibly manipulated by his ex partner and I also can’t respect someone who can’t own a decision and doesn’t think it’s important to tell his children when someone is living there. His argument for this was that I was hardly there the weekends he had them and he didn’t want them to expect me to be there, this is true I took myself out a lot because I found it quite hard to cope when they were there because of the mess and lack of structure my ex partner seemed to struggle implementing,

I have since moved out and I miss him but I just wanted some insight as to whether I’m being unreasonable or not.

You've done the right thing moving out.

You don't need these complications in your life.

You’ve done the right thing. Sounds a mess.

He's probably just as bad as his ex, if not worse.

I can't believe he didn't tell his DC you'd moved in with him! That's shocking. Of course they need to know. It's disrespectful to you too, not even bothering to tell you he hasn't told them so you end up put on the spot with their questions. DC aren't stupid, they see things and know more than he thinks. It's very unfair to leave them wondering what's happening. He's putting his own wants above their needs. He obviously won't stand up to his ExW and will always be selfish, putting his own desires above anyone else's. Do you think he just wanted someone to share the cleaning and bills with and sex on tap? It's not right that you felt pressured into moving in so early in the relationship and he totally dismissed any concerns you had. Just shows his selfishness again. It's all about what he wants, everyone else's needs are secondary.

This sounds like a dumpster fire. Even if there were no children involved, moving in with someone after 7 months is fast. Why was he pushing this?

Go enjoy your twenties without getting entangled in this

Maybe the ex is “hard work” because she’s dealing with the sort of man-child who moves in his much-younger girlfriend after a few months, doesn’t mention this to his kids (which he can presumably get away with because he barely has them) and struggles to parent decently when he does have them.

I think you need to be a bit less naive about the men you date and choose someone who’s not waving so many obvious red flags of being a loser next time.

The thing I'm wondering is why he was so keen for you to move in after just 7 months? It's very quick - especially as he has kids. And then not telling them - yes, that's really weird. I think you've done the right thing OP.

Edited to add: I agree with pp, why are you blaming his ex? He's the one who has behaved poorly here.

Yeah I completely agree he should have told her and that is ultimately why I left.

Neither of us paid rent as he was living in accommodation provided by work so it made sense to me at the time as it gave me a chance to save with the idea being we’d have money for a deposit in the future.

Just for a bit of insight, his ex partner cheated on him with the man she is now living with and accused him of having mental health problems before the truth actually came out. She also moved in directly to this man’s house after they had been separated for a few months so the situation is incredibly messy. Lots of people have hard situations and I did enter the relationship quite naively but we live and we learn.

Choose an easier life than the one you’re set up to have if you continue this relationship.

So the kids mum moved in with her new partner after only a few months and you moved in with your partner only after a few months? Those poor kids

You were unreasonable to move in with him after such a short time and especially because he has young children to consider. FGS, do these kids have a single adult in their lives who puts their best interests first? Those poor kids probably don't know if they're coming or going, and I'm sure your ex was quite keen to have a replacement domestic appliance on board just as quickly as he could make it happen. Sadly, you fell right into his trap.

You've had a lucky escape. Make better choices going forward.

You've dodged a bullet

You did the right thing

You'll find someone better

No point staying in rubbish situations it's just not worth it

I can see how the kids would be hurt if he told them you were moving in but then you just took off for the entire weekend. It seems you didn't consider your role as stepmother at all (yes I know you aren't married, but that's sort of the role.) Posters are putting almost all them blame on him, but it seems like you put very little though or effort in with them and were only there to save money.

You made one kid feel bad about his dad's age and just left it hanging. You both could have planned how you'd approach the kids a lot better.

You're well out of that mess.
How could you be arsed with all that drama at 27 life should be fun and carefree.

Coming here to say this, I’d be ‘very interested’ if the useless sounding father of my kids moved someone in after only 7 months. And I’d probably be described as hard work too if I was constantly having to parent the parent and deal with his frankly rude and idiotic behaviour.

You’re focusing a little too much on the ex and less on him, seems like most of the issues stem from him to be honest.

It sounds like you’re far better off without him. Move on to someone better.

I feel sorry for him, the ex is obsessed with him still clearly and I think him not telling the kids is not because he does not want them to know but because he does not want her in his business.

I would reconsider if i was you.

You seem to care about his ex than him somehow

Sorry you are going through a breakup but honestly at 27 you have so many options open to you. By the sounds of it, this man has not been honest with his ex wife or kids about your relationship and very much sounds like he is still under the thumb of the ex wife. Ask yourself do you really want some man who is still answering to another woman? If it is that way now, how likely is it that will ever change? And do you want to play second fiddle to another woman?

Step families can be very complicated and messy and you can end up feeling deprioritised and even ignored in your own relationship. I am in one now but would not have entertained it in my 20s. If you want kids of your own, love yourself, put yourself first and put this man behind you. Find a man without kids who will put you first, far less complicated, far more rewarding.

God when I was single at 27 would not have even accepted a date with a man who already had kids. Why would you put yourself through that ?

I think you did the right thing leaving.

He wasn't being open and transparent, and certainly didn't have his kids best interests at heart moving in his much younger girlfriend after just 7 months. That's completely bonkers when it sounds like those kids have had a tough move with their mother also.

On the other hand, it's good you saw the light quickly as at this early stage you definitely weren't cut out to be in a step-parent role. You probably never actually really spent enough time with him and his kids in the 7 months of dating (which is understandable as it's so new) but kids are bloody tough work to live with, particularly if not yours and on a part time basis.

You did the right thing. Honestly,it's better not to complicate your life with step children and ex wife's. I'd never do that again. It's hard work, often thankless and you need to be an expert at holding good boundaries. It's just generally hard work.

TBH, your first red flag was him asking you to move in after 7 months. His kids sound like they had enough upheaval already. They need stability. I wouldn't have even entertained an introduction at that point.

Run and never look back IMO

ZOMBIE