Another weekend and more drama

[piscofrisco]

....from the step kids mother and her unpleasant partner. This happens on average every three weeks-she breaks the court order, makes some threats, coaches the kids on what to say, her boyfriend messages dh some nastiness... etc etc
dh can't cope with the unfairness and the nastiness. It affects his mental health badly-it's been four long years and counting.
I am supportive. And angry and upset on his behalf and on my lovely step
Sons who are upset by it as well. But it means an awful weekend of consoling dh. And sometimes I just want a nice weekend. Not having to think or talk about
Her and her antics.
I know that makes me sound awful and uncaring and I'm not at all. I love dh to death and he is rightly aggrieved at what's happened. But I am exhausted.
It's like being married to the woman myself at times.
Can anyone relate?

The second best thing about throwing dh out was knowing I no longer had to deal with her and her drama. Quite liberating...
Agree he can have a rant - give him 10 mins. Then her name isn't to be mentioned the entire week end..

I'd love to do that. But his anxiety is through the roof. It won't work. He is currently shuttered away watching golf unable to speak really because of it, whilst I'm outside in the Garden on this lovely evening. It's a bit lonely.

I honestly think this should be talked about more.

These behaviours are disgusting, especially breaking a court order

He needs to do whatever he can to feel like he has some autonomy . If there's no court order he needs to get one. If there is a court order he needs to speak to a solicitor about how to enforce it.

He can get in touch with Families.Need Fathers or Shared Parenting Scotland if that's where you are.

As for you, I would not have the energy or inclination at this stage in my life to be dealing with this drama and/or husbands subsequent bouts of self-pity. But I'm a bit menopausal and heartless.

Would he block the partner?

her boyfriend messages dh some nastiness..

Why isn't he blocked? There is absolutely no reason for him to be communicating with DH. Tell him and Ex to get the court approved app OR a special email and only communicate through that, and only about the children. Then he blocks everywhere.

If she breaks the court order - he goes back to court.
She makes threats - he contacts the police. If its on the doorstep then get a ring camera, otherwise he has a recording app on his phone.
Coaches the kids - he needs to start saying, you know what your mother is like... and grey rocks that particular conversation or does distraction techniques.

DH needs to step up, you need to back down and stop enabling him avoiding it all. Support him by advising what to do, but stop consoling him as though he was a child. If he's that depressed he needs a GP or a therapist. Professional help, and not you.

Are you sure he doesn't just want to watch the golf and not sit in the garden? He needs to disengage from it all.

Exactly how is he supposed to disengage from it all when basically it's just his nasty Ex's way of making sure he doesn't see his DC? There was someone on here all upset because her teenage daughter ignored her in favour of her BF and yet a man is just supposed to say OH well, never mind if he doesn't see his DC for weeks at a time?

I want to give you a little hope. This was my OH... for 5 years. 2 years ago, she called him and apologised for everything she did to him (and me) and wanted to make amends. I would be here all day telling you the things she did. Breaking court orders was her favourite game.
But 2 years on, nothing... no drama. No problems. It's bliss. Life is easy and beautiful now we can get on with life minus the drama. We had no idea the apology was coming. And for a long time we thought it could be another of her games. But no, she just realised that all she was doing was harming her daughter.
Don't give up, one day... it could get easier 🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞.

He has a court order. And a parenting app. The ex wife had an operation last week, hysterectomy, which she says means she is unable to communicate so the partner must do it on her behalf. Oddly she is still able to post on Facebook etc.
The partner is blocked for this evening.
I'm pretty sure he doesn't just want to watch the golf yes. He is sobbing.
We are calling the solicitor on Monday. But we just spent 25 k getting the first court order. We don't have endless cash.

It is stressful and unending. I know why he feels as he does. But I am tired for him, and for us :(

I don't think she will ever see sense but I guess we can hope

I want to give you some hope that it does get better as the kids get older.

I believe that my DH’s EW has a personality disorder. They have been divorced over 11 years but she’s still as toxic and bitter as she always has been. The women is evil & hates her EH more than she loves her kids.

For years she stopped him seeing the kids or speaking to them (despite having a contact order & every single time she broke it he would take her back to court for the breach). Every time she got a slap on the hands from a judge and once again she would breach it again.

When she was back in front of the same judge for a 2nd time he threatened to remove the children from her. This stopped her antics for a while then she started again. She thinks she is above the law, the more important and better parent, and always right.

She wouldn’t let him speak to the kids on their birthdays if it didn’t fall on his contact time or telephone time (which is would hold the phone and listen in to), She would just stop contact to purely spite him.

When she got herself a boyfriend - (of about 3 months) he turned up with her, on our doorstep, banging the front down telling my DH what a shit dad he was (in front of the kids who were at ours) and threatening to beat my very non confrontational husband up (again in front of the kids). This was all because she didn’t agree with something. They were so aggressive that they had to be removed by the police.

After that incident his daughter (then 15) stopped coming or communicating with her dad. Social Services suspected parental alienation (by the mother) but because of her age couldn’t do anything.

Her mum had spent years dripping her toxic poison in her ear. I feel sorry for my husband but the relief at not having to tip toe around her every weekend or put up with her generally unpleasant behaviour is immense. That’s a whole different story her attitude towards me.

His son (now 15) he has a very close relationship with. After the police incident (he was 12 at the time) there was a huge rant of an email about how she wouldn’t be adhering to the contact order now as he (12) was old enough to sort his own contact out.

We haven’t heard from her in 3.5 years and it’s been absolute bliss. She was ordered by a judge she could only email my DH (has her text messages were so abusive) when an email did come through my OH said he would feel sick and it would affect him.

People seem to think only men can be abusers but some of these women are very emotionally abusive and get away with it for years.

My advice - Ride it out. Always keep your head held high. Do not bad mouth her. Do not stoop to her gutter level. It will get better. Once the kids are old enough, they will see her behaviour for what it is (my 15 YO SS does, we are hoping the older daughter figures it out soon).

Women who hate their EH’s more than they love their own kids are terrible individuals and I really do hope karma exists.

Good luck 🤞

My thoughts exactly. DH enablingbthis commotion, then adopting a leave-me-alone-I'm-sooo-stressed posture in from of the TV while OP keeps the show on the road.

Thank you for sharing and I hope op @piscofrisco takes some comfort.
Also would you like to see further into the future?
My ss have either n/c with their dm or very, very rare contact.
(And to be fair I always got on with her and in no way was she anywhere nearly as bad as op's. )
But she did have problems.
And further into the future - my mil was bitter for over 50 years - stopped access for my dh for years and years - made up terrible lies - heartbreaking.
My dh was in his forties when he tracked down his dad ( in another country by then) and he had almost 20 years of a close relationship with his dad in the end - his dm not so much - and his brother went no contact with the mum 10 years ago.
Basically, you reap what you sow

Hang in there op.

@Rhaidimiddim

MissAmbrosia
Are you sure he doesn't just want to watch the golf and not sit in the garden? He needs to disengage from it all.

My thoughts exactly. DH enablingbthis commotion, then adopting a leave-me-alone-I'm-sooo-stressed posture in from of the TV while OP keeps the show on the road.

##%%%########%%%

Did you miss the bit where op said he was sobbing?

For heaven's sake to the golf commenters, he's not faking it becuase he wants to watch the damn golf. He's genuinely so stressed by it all that he's physically unwell and his mental state is poor. If you had four years of someone trying their hardest to take your children from you, for not reason other than their own nastiness, then you might too.

Thankyou to the posters who understood and provided some hope.

It's lonely being the wife in this situation sometimes , and worse still is the horrible feeling of powerlessness to help.

He is really struggling today. Neither child is answering their phone (not unusual, their phones are held by their mum at her house much of the time and she won't answer hers), we have no way of contacting them. It's not good tbh.

Awful!

I've been through similar.

I had had enough. I took more control through being practical.

So, I limited contact as far as possible, seperate cheap phone only for messages with ex. This meant I was in control of when to read the messages. messages. It compartmentalised the difficulties and meant the abuse didn't land in the middle of a good day.

I also moved on to having another person to act as an intermediary. My ‘internediary’ (a friend) wasn't so connected so could be quite objective. The intermediary read and answered all messages by running scant details by me. If you haven't such a person, perhaps you could be the one who reads and answers the messages.

I found this helped as I didn't know the detail or get bogged down by the emotional abuse. My intermediary would tell me the absolute basic I needed to know - for instance ’DC’s are being dropped off at…’ and that was it. The response would be similar. ‘Confirming 2.00pm’ ( or whatever).

My ex used to write pages and pages in letters, dragging me down. I took control. At first I would write a long letter back, but not send it. I'd offloaded but by not sending it it prevented another onslaught by my ex.

Eventually, just like the texts, my intermediary would scan read the letter (sometimes 15 handwritten pages of A4) and pick out, only the dates, times that I needed, again I was back in control.

Actually I did end up smiling. My ex continued, for months and months sending his pages and pages of emotional abuse. I've never been more satisfied at knowing how much time he wasted writing letters that I didn't read - and how much control I had managed over a horrid situation.

I am afraid @piscofrisco - you wont get much sympathy on here. MNetters do not want to admit that women are capable of alienating their own children from their dad.

I came on for advice around my grandchild, my DS and ex DiL. I was flamed! My decent, professional, hardworking DS was called into question. I was ‘covering’ for him, because it just couldn't be true ( even though the court warned ex DiL that she was at risk of losing RP if she continued).

On here, it has to be the males fault.

Maybe a change of 'tactic'? Next time she refuses the dc ask if she is certain they aren't coming so you can plan a trip away.. Once he drops the rope she won't like that.
Ime..
My now exh's ex was very similar...

I think the advice is to get the enforcement order in as soon as the court order is breached. A C79.

You can probably do this without a solicitor's help. Unfortunately as I understand it you need to keep doing this until a judge threatens to take the kids of the Mother if she doesn't comply. So you may go through the cycle a few times.

This

I'd be very very suspicious of his 'mental health' meaning that all he can do is watch the golf.

Unfortunately as posters are usually the sinned against you get a lot of projection right. Instead of being able to acknowledge mothers act badly too.

@FinallyHere
You must have Aldi missed the bit where he was sobbing ....,

The - Not Aldi