Am I being too cautious?

[isitoveryet]

I'm new to this, so hope this makes sense. I split from my husband just over a year ago and have four children of my own - ages 21 - 13 yrs old. I have met a wonderful man and feel that we are so right together. The only thing that's holding me back a bit is the fact he has two much younger children, and while I had mine at a young age, I'm not sure about stepping back in time. The bit I'm not sure about is that it's taken this long to have a bit of 'me' time and sometimes I feel that I can't take our relationship further until I'm fully prepared to go back down that road again. Am I being too cautious/selfish or should I stop worrying about it so much?

Do they live with him or their mother?

They live with their mum but he has them once midweek to stay and every weekend, and for most of the holidays

I think you're being very wise to stop and think about it; being a step-mum can be hard at the best of times.

They aren't going to be with you full time, so is there going to be chance when they're not for your me time?

If we made the move to live together, I think there would be one night in a fortnight when I would be by myself, which would be a luxury compared to other step families. I know this sounds really petty, but I think it's the silly things that would get to me eg: his youngest (only 18 months) has very sticky fingers and is naturally into everything. My oldest and my youngest loved pulling the house apart each day when they were that age, and although I haven't got many nice things, it's been nice to have them out on display over the last few years or so.

They aren't going to be tiny forever. Can you think how you'd feel if they were say 4 or 5?

Well, the oldest one is 6 1/2 and is a really sweet boy. I think it is just the reminder of toddler horrors that's putting me off really. And the thought of how mine will get on with his. Don't think they'll take it that well, or maybe it's my issues that I'm projecting on to them? Have you had experience of being a step mum?

Yes, dsd is 12. I've known her since she was 4. You know not all toddlers are horrors, and it won't last forever. Dd (now 4.11) was an angel she's never had a tantrum.

Have all the children met yet?

Crikey no

We've met each other's kids a few times and it seems to be ok so far, although my youngest two have had to accept a few things before moving on to each next stage eg: their father and I won't be getting back together; I've met someone else; he's got kids and they've met him. Luckily his kids are young enough to be more accepting, although his 6 year old went through, and is still sometimes, some upsetting times, but is much better now.

Do you feel settled as a family now?

Yes, very. To me, my family is dh, dd and dsd, and it isn't the same when she's not around. I think my situation is different though - dd is dh's child, so they are siblings.