Feeling so down, advice needed please

[Anonymous23445]

Hi all first time posting on MN

My DP and I have been together nearly 3 years, in that time I have been able to meet his lovely DS one time. (Mostly due to BM making threats etc but then it all seemed to have calmed down a good bit)
This was back in February and nothing else has came of it.
My query or what I’m looking advice for I suppose is the fact that when my DP has him, 3 times a week and other days when he can, it’s like he compartmentalises his life. I feel like he has this one life with me, and another life with his DS that I’m not apart of. It’s making me so sad and I guess I just needed to vent. I’ve no one else to talk to about this. I know he’s just trying to protect everyone involved and of course his DS but I just feel this has been long enough now.

Any suggestions for me would be greatly appreciated. Is this normal? Should I just be patient?

Feeling so down about the whole thing. He has said multiple times he wants to be with me and a future together but how can that even be when I am a stranger to his DS :(

He has no balls to set the boundaries with his ex. He is putting his exs wants above yours. If he grows a spine and tells the ex it’s happening it will the tip of the iceberg of how he lets her control your life together. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise and you break away before involving the child.

men who can’t stand up to an ex very rarely change or meet their current partners needs.

I say this with kindness and experience.

good luck x

What he does on his contact time is his business, nothing to do with his ex. He’s not doing the right thing by everyone, he’s gutlessly putting his ex’s wishes over yours. I wouldn’t respect that at all.

If you want a proper partner, to share a life with, a home with, this one isn’t for you. He’s not your partner he’s a part time boyfriend who’s not offering you a future you deserve. Move on love.

Thank you so much for your replies and your advice. I really appreciate it!

It’s such a difficult and tough time isn’t it?! His BM has cut contact once before getting the school involved and everything so I do understand his fear. I had to watch him not seeing his DS for nearly 11 weeks that killed him! So I do understand where he is coming from, out of fear. But I hate that she knows she has that much control over our lives because of this!

I’m still holding on to so much hope that it will change. I love my DP so much and can’t imagine a future with him but I just need more. I’m going to have a chat with him tomorrow. He’s been with his DS from Tuesday so we don’t get much talking time when he is with him.
Thank you so much again

She’s doesn’t have control, that’s what court orders are for. This is how he fixes her misconception she has control

How old is his son?

Are you much younger? I can't imagine why someone would tolerate this. If a situation makes you very unhappy, leave. It may make you feel sad initially but you will be leaving a relationship that doesn't meet your needs. Remember you deserve better.

He needs to go to court and get a child arrangements order then she legally needs to make DS available at those times. He should be doing this for his DS security as much as anything else. Personally I think you'd be better off ending things, if he can't sort things for himself this isn't going to get better.

So I'm assuming after this incident and the total heartache of not seeing his son for 11 weeks he took the appropriate steps to get a court order to prevent this happening again?

My DHs ex did the same thing with my DSD, he went 8 weeks without seeing her and during that 8 weeks lawyers were involved, mediation was arranged and a court order is now in place. 3 years down the line we've had no further issues of her witholding contact.

If he hasn't ensured a court order is in place then I'm sorry but;

1. He doesn't care that much about contact with his child.

1. He doesn't care that much about being controlled by his ex.

1. He doesn't care that much about you ever being part of his family.

Honestly, after 3 years, it doesn't sound like he's that interested in a proper relationship with you. It sounds like he's keeping you on the sidelines for something to do when he doesn't have his son but I'm sorry to say I don't think he sees a future with you or has any intention to make any commitment to you.

Walk away and stop wasting your time. You've already spent three years waiting for things to change. Move on.

It can’t get any better than this, I’m afraid.

When you inevitably tell him enough is enough, (and you will!) he will respond to your attempts to break away as if it is an ultimatum. This is a person who deals only in drama, last chances and forced hands. And that’s why his ex finds it so easy to bend him to her will.

Then, to your surprise he will change and involve you more - maybe you’ll even get a shiny ring and a cohabitant out of it - but it’s only like getting a pay rise because you threatened to quit. It’ll never feel good.

He will never, ever love you as you deserve to be loved and you will have to leave eventually anyway. So do it now before his son is dragged into it and before you waste any more of your fresh, young years on him.

Right now there are literally hundreds of thousands of other men out there that you are better suited to than the one you’re saddled with. I know that sounds vague and trite but it is quite literally accurate.

You have no mortgage, kids or marriage with this one so the only thing keeping you hanging on is this hollow version of “love” that he dangles when his boy isn’t around. If you would rather see how it goes with this bloke, then do so. But you don’t need to - you can just have a poke around MN relationships and see what it’s like when you’re married / mortgaged / co-parented to one of these types. (Spoiler alert: it’s waaaaay harder)

Thank you all so much for your replies.
I have read them all and just finding this all so tough :(
thank you for listening to me and giving me advice.

OP, you are wasting your time and life on a future faker.
Things won't get better, just a lot worse.
If you stay you will bitterly regret it.

I avoided a few red flags ten years ago, and trust me, you don't wanna do that. Trust your instincts, does he make you happy? Is this enough for you? Is he what you want in a man ? I find it helpful to do some self reflection, take a few days off, clear your mind...you have all the answers

You should count yourself lucky. The vast, vast majority of people who post here seem to despise their stepchildren.

He needs a court order to prevent the denial of contact.

But mostly, I'm sad to say you should cut your losses, OP. He just isn't respecting you or the relationship. If he's serious about you then you would have been meeting his son from around a year in and would already have found a way to blend. It's unlikely this will change and you deserve better.