Blended family birthday celebrations- AITA

[KCSM]

Stepdaughters 6th birthday this weekend.

She's at her Mums this year which is fair as we went overseas with her last year. We had been planning to celebrate a few days later when she comes back to our place as her mum wasn't keen to do the usual joint cake cutting- usually we go out somewhere for dinner mum, dad and me stepmum with other SD and usually my husbands parents. She’s been with us last 4 birthdays and we’ve always tried to include Mum on our time when we’ve been home.

Her grandma booked to come visit from another state for her birthday before we knew she would be at her Mums this year with no joint dinner.

SD now said she wants to celebrate on her birthday with her Dad & I (stepmum) & her Mum plus Mums “friend” (BF) at her Mums house.
(We don't generally go inside Mums house as BF heard a noise one day WFH and accused my husband of coming over without asking- was not case & I at time tried to set boundary that we shouldn't go to each others houses- which hasnt been listened to- mainly due to Mums refusal to use neutral drop offs & need for early morning pick up 6.30am by my husband for SD extra curricular as Mum won't take her- I also don’t really want Mums BF at our place as he has conviction for lighting illegal fires) Mums BF birthday is next day so would be combined celebration for them both also.

Grandma is not invited- I feel awkward attending and leaving her out at our house especially as she's come a long way, plus she would struggle to be civil with the Mums BF (mum left kids in our care and went interstate to live with BF for about 2 years- seeing kids 1 weekend a month & often cancelling- went back to 50/50 custody 10 weeks ago and BF is staying with Mum until he builds his house- she has no idea if relationship is permanent & he only seems to have been involved with kids in past few weeks plus kids are spending more time being babysat by his parents than with Mum/BF) kids think he is Mums friend still.
Husband and I have met the BF once for about 5min- she cheated with BF about 4 years ago and left husband for him. I'm not sure I can keep my mouth shut or be amicable given the situation/ seeing kids upset over years when Mum left kids to be with him interstate or if setting precedent for joint family celebration is reasonable without certainty he will be around moving forward or if SD will feel the awkwardness between adults. I'm also 39 weeks pregnant.

I said to my husband I'm happy for him to go but think it's best for me to stay with his mum and stick with our plan to celebrate just her when she is back 2 days later with cake/ presents plus the family dinner out we had organised for our side of family. Husband upset- asking me to reconsider- AITA?

i guess we have been asking the kids up until this point and rolling with what they want- is this healthy/ reasonable especially with hubby and I having a baby in the next few weeks- how will it look for our daughter if she sees siblings getting multiple birthdays?

I would go with what she wants, and prioritise the child. She will have a sibling soon enough, but it’s a fair while before sibling will be saying hey you celebrate big sis birthday twice and mine only once! Cross that bridge when you come to it; there’s no need to consider that now.
going with what she wants means ignore your rule of not going in the house, it sounds a petty rule tbh to apply to every situation. You were accused once so now you won’t go in at all even in situations where you will be observed pretty much every minute you’re in there, and you’re invited? That’s letting your built up emotions take control instead of what’s best for your sd.

You have been invited by the child and the parents are willing to get along with everyone. You are being unreasonable to refuse the invitation.

Grandma can get something good delivered for dinner and settle in with a movie or a book. she will be fine.

I’m not sure you’re unreasonable to refuse the invitee, I think it’s kind of you to stay with the nan. Her dad should reminder her that her nan is here so would she like her to come, if the answers no that’s her choice then you can stay back, you don’t have to go even if invited and you have a pretty decent reasoning. If the answer is yes, go have a great time and treat it as the last time you’ll do it’s the last birthday before your baby arrives.

also speak to husband about if birthday falls on your time great if not celebrate after and share your thoughts on the fairness you want your child to receive.

lastly, I don’t think it’s petty you have a not in each others houses rule

It's really childish of the mum to not invite the grandma.

Surely just start having separate celebrations? Lucky dsd gets 2 cakes etc.... When your dc arrives your family will surely be more involved? Can't see an entire family get together being stress free can you?

This I guess is part of my concern about where it is coming from & why Grandma is left out- we did joint Christmas with Mum and grandma last year so what’s changed other than the BF being there this time.
it just feels so rude to exclude her & I keep going back to how Miss 6 felt when she wasn’t invited to a birthday party at school recently too but can’t really talk to SD unmonitored to figure out what’s going on until she comes back which is after her birthday.

plus she would struggle to be civil with the Mums BF

Isn't it best she doesn't go in this situation?

I disagree. If the gran will struggle to be civil then it's understandable she isn't invited. She should have checked arrangements before booking a flight.

I wouldn't be near the mother's house with such a boyfriend.
Your husband can go if he wishes, alone, but I certainly wouldn't be going.
Unfortunately parents divorce and in these circumstances when scum are involved the child will just have to be told it is simply not possible.

Separate birthday celebrations from now on.
Hold your boundaries steadfast.

I think DH needs to step in here with a boundary. She's 6. Yes it's lovely if everyone can be involved in a joint birthday celebration but she does need to come to the realisation her parents don't get on. They are seperated. They don't want to spend time with each other if possible. She has two homes and the more merging and blending of the lines between them the more confusing its going to be for her. Hard line. For any eg school events or weddings sure they should be able to be in the same room but birthdays, there's no need.