His parenting winds me up

[missL1987]

Bf of four years has two sons 8 & 11 who live with him 60 % of the time, I live on my own & don't have kids of my own. I am aware that there are people out there who believe I shouldn't have opinions on others parenting but I'm going to post this anyway...

My bf's parenting really annoys me, he babies them basically & I am starting to worry how this will affect them as they get older.
As an example; we regularly go for a meal out to a local carvery on a Sunday as we did this week. Kids generally misbehaved, wouldn't stand still, were loud, winding each other up etc but that's nothing other kids don't do it just adds to the stress. We queued for 15 mins for food & thankfully got them to the front without them causing too much chaos, neither child put veg on their plate, youngest took back a yorkshire & meat only, eldest had same plus mash. I tell myself it's irrational to be annoyed, he's paying for their food, his problem, it's no big deal. When we sat down he proceeded to to cut up the youngest's food. He's 8. No encouragement to even try to do himself. Neither child can use a knife or fork properly, both use their hands, again no encouragement to do so. It's one thing eating a McDonalds with hands, a carvery on the the other hand? The eldest (who starts High School Sept) also dropped into conversation he can't tell the time, he also only learnt to tie shoelaces a few months ago, the youngest still needed help at the loo until just before xmas
At home they have everything done for them, clothes picked up off the floor & put away, all food & drink made for them etc. At the weekend if bf suggests they go out for the day they kick up such a fuss he allows them to have their way & they stay in playing computer games all day. He has to bribe them to get them to leave the house.
I don't say any of this to shame them. I fully understand kids progress at different rates & bf has every right to bring them up how he sees fit as do all parents. But I can't help but get wound up at the lack of encouragement to do certain things, I worry, particularly with the eldest starting high school soon, how this will affect them. Bf also doesn't want to be seen as the strict shouty parent, boys mum let's them have their own all the time so they expect the same at his, it's like they're competing for who can be the favourite parent instead of both trying to be the best parents.

Has anybody else found themselves in a similar situation? Did you say anything or did you keep it to yourself?

It sounds hideous, he won’t stop if you point it out. It sounds like you’re not compatible really as this will always annoy you (it would annoy me as well)

Not sure how well matched you are based on this.

The kids will probably pick up on your disapproval, too.

Every family does things differently, I often joke with DH that if we split up no one would do the things we do with/for our children, but to us it's normal. If you're going to make a success of this relationship you have to accept that your partner does things differently to how you would (it's all sounds theoretical so I assume you're childless) and if you can't just accept this it's probably better if you leave the relationship.

I couldn’t put up with that. I had step kids before I had my own and seeing how DH parented them was a big attraction. I didn’t agree with every single thing but I had huge respect for his approach, the dad he was, the children they were and he’s as wonderful with our shared ones. If that’s on the cards for you I’d caution against it strongly.

I have an adult DD, DO has a 10 yo. When he has his kid, he is at his house, I do not go out with them, I simply don’t see him at all. We talk on the phone etc, but he doesn’t come to my house, I don’t go to his, it’s their time. For extended family stuff, yes, we go together, but otherwise each to his own house.
The same goes for my side. DD doesn’t live with me, but I would never organise a family meal for all of us and our children.
You see, hanging around with a 20 something is fun, is easy, I finished teaching my DD to use cutlery, eat with her mouth shut, how to have a conversation, how to wash and brush her teeth. DP has a very very long way to go yet, so I’ll let him figure it out.

Hope that helps.

Maybe they’ll stop trying to eat a roast with their hands.

😂

How have you not got the ick after 4 years? No excuse for not being able to use cutlery properly after 5 years old with legitimate development issues. Never mind the rest of it.

Do you see a future with this man and his adult babies who will live with you?

They eat with their hands and the eleven year old can't tell the time, has just learnt to tie his shoe laces and the 8 year old needs help with the loo. I'm assuming there's no learning difficulties so surely this is neglect. Where's their mother in all this? Neither parent has taught them to use a knife or fork?

Sounds like neither parent has any boundaries and don't really care enough to enforce rules. I can't see this getting any better and would move on.

Omg yes. My step kids when we met were coming to my house so I felt I did have a voice. They would jump on my furniture, no bed time, expect to take over downstairs TV all day and evening, no accountability wouldn’t pick up for themselves or remember their shit, youngest couldn’t tell time or use a knife and fork. Would also waste food.

my ex was oblivious to all of this, he did however tell me I could deal with them so long as I didn’t shout or swear. I’m a very consequential person. He was a let’s have a nice little chat which was ineffective.

i was always accused of hating his kids but id say i dont hate your kids, I hate your parenting.

if your partner is not open to your input id say you have two choices. Leave or tell him to see his kids without you present. I dont believe in having something affecting your life that your not allowed to speak on or effect change.

He's not teaching them life skills. That alone would have me running for the hills. Nothing less attractive than a lazy parent.

Neither parent can be arsed with basic life skills.
This will make their teens very difficult and they could well remain at home long term

You are wasting your time with him.

well he has them a larger percentage of the time so you can’t even blame the ex. Sounds like he is a rubbish lazy parent. Would give me the ick. Why would you want to be with a person like this

You should already be over the hills by now. Why on earth are you with this man?

It's really hard, if not impossible, to understand how you could still be sexually attracted to this man.

I think she likes the Carvery on a Sunday 🤣

Zero parenting, zero cooking- just eating and judging..

I have a similar problem OP. I’ve had to take a step back. It’s not the DC it’s DP. He also has an older child who eats with their hands and I do find it disgusting it also takes a very long time to finish a meal. I find it disgusting as he will touch his hair and then other people and your things with his slimy hands so his drink will be all slimy with all bits of food floating in it, flinging food around and the area around him will look like a bunch of raccoons had a party.

DP isn’t doing anything about it so this is DP’s issue to manage later in life not mine. I assume OP means that she has watched the children get older and not much is evolving. Watching a 3 year old eat with their hands is normal but an 8yo is less so. I do have children and using at least even a fork was something I have taught them. It can take a long time to learn to cut up food but a fork or spoon for messy food is pretty standard to learn.

You can either try to guide your DP or just keep quiet but it sounds like you might find this unattractive so you might need to reassess the relationship overall

Oh god, just leave, especially if you’re considering children with him. It won’t get better. Those kids will become worse and worse.

Given the sheer laziness of his parenting, the OP would be nuts to have children with him. I have no idea what those children are going to do when they eat at friend's houses and start stuffing lasagna in their faces with their hands.

Your DP is not doing his kids any favours. I'd leave the relationship TBH

Totally 💯 my partner in the first couple of years I was with him.

I had serious concerns about the Disney. He said he did it because that what his ex did when they were married and according to the kids after divorce.

You sound like I was, increasingly distressed and appalled! I could see the lack of boundaries and expectations damaging these particular children. (Some respond well to very relaxed parenting. Not in this case.)

But relationships are about input and output and as I was getting a lot out of mine separate to the kids issue I decided to help.

Wise? Not sure. I can’t give advice to you. But here is what I learned:

1. I could get rid of Disney by refusing to see it. I stepped back and basically told DP I’ll keep you company when you are around your kids - and even babysit occasionally - once they have rules and boundaries and a reward system. He did it. He didn’t want to be lonely. He also wanted to show the world he was ‘better’ than the ex wife who had told everyone he was a crap parent (possibly because this was true). And I didn’t have to be there while he grew skills. His home is running smoothly with screen limits, politeness, homework, bedtimes. I visit twice a week now and find the children pleasant.

2. My DP couldn’t not-Disney at first without help. This was NOT my problem to fix. I encouraged him to get a nanny. Expensive, but parenting classes can be free or cheap. Relatives? Anyone but the girlfriend I say, so as not to become housekeeper/nanny/sex provider for a man who then every month gives half his salary to another woman. Not fair.

3. It wasn’t all the Disney. DPs kids turned out both to have neurodiversities. So while they and the Disney drove me crackers DP getting them assessed meant I looked upon them and him more kindly. He also learned that positive behaviour management enables them to thrive.

4. Its not my ‘job’ to help DP, it’s a choice with boundaries. Even the effort of stating my boundaries and holding them takes a lot out of me. These are not my kids. I see them when I choose to. I choose not to holiday with them as I’m not confident it would be fun because it was horrendous previously.

5. DP’s ‘Disney’ ex wife is not my ex wife. Seriously I almost forgot this. But I had a traumatic childhood and need to be shielded from information about children being let down. It did always sound quite bad at exw’s house but I firmly insisted some time ago that I receive no more updates unless it is an emergency. DP moaned at first that I wasn’t a true partner if I did not support him in coparenting or to process the trauma of his divorce. But I can’t stand divorced men treating girlfriends as emotional dumpsters and I told him he was better than that. His new therapist is working out well afaik.

Tricky one, finding a lovely, gorgeous Disney dad. I wish you well.

Sorry I have not read the whole thread. I have parented my children responding to their needs and I found myself cutting the food for my 8 year old, picking up endless stuff from the floor and two children that could not read the time and do their laces up in amongst many other things, like not learning to ride a bike until much later than normal, restricted eating and a great need to have down time. It turns out one of my daughter is autistic and the other ADHD and dyspraxia. They are both dyslexic. Being gentle and open minded will help as well as observing and keeping a diary of difficulties with a timeline of development will help.