What age should children choose to come to stay?

[obertost]

At what age did you allow your children to choose how often they went to other parents house etc?

DSD is 11.5, there is a huge distance between homes so she is at ours all school half terms, Easter, three weeks in summer and half Christmas/new year.

She has a great social life where she lives with mum and she is starting to be a bit reluctant about spending three weeks with us in summer.

This year we've said it's a non negotiable (partner has) and she's fine with that.

But what age should we be letting her decide? DP and her have a great relationship even with the distance. He tries to see her also in between her coming here too.

I told him that he may need to be a little more flexible next year once she's at high school etc but he seems to think otherwise due to her still being young.

I guess he worries about their relationship if she's here less than already.

She's very independent at her mums, goes out a lot with local friends. I don't like the feeling of forcing her to come if she would prefer not to as I don't want her to resent us but in the same breath, she isn't my daughter so maybe I'm not seeing it right.

I think at secondary age they should have a choice but each case is individual. Does she have her own space at yours? does she have friends? What does she do all the time? Could she bring a friend to stay? Could she spread the 3 weeks out so do 10 days then home for couple of weeks then come back. How far away doe you live? Maybe in a couple of years she could get a train.

Yes, she has her own bedroom and there's a couple of girls she sees when she is down.

We do what we would usually do if she wasn't here as we have children here too! This summer is slightly different due to our wedding coming up in October so we have told the kids it'll be lots of beach days etc as we cannot afford to go on big outings this summer.

It's about 250 miles one way; so pretty far. Parents meet half way at the moment.

I would carry on as you are and maybe tweek things next year, even if it means 2 shorter stays in summer holidays and she brings a friend with her, although 2 nearly teenage girls might be a disaster.
I have 4 DC and they only stayed with their dad when we first split, as the 2 older ones refused to go as they were bored and 2 younger ones he couldn't manage.

As she gets older she probably won't want to come as much but cross that bridge when you come to it and leave your husband to deal with it. It will only cause tension if you get involved - I'd stay well clear of it.

Thank you; I do usually let him get on with it all! I was curious as to what others were saying re ages etc.

Following this to see what people think .. my DSC is a few years older and has no choice in the matter as their own mum ‘needs a break’ - it’s a shame because sometimes we know they’d rather be in their own house/area etc

We had a gradual progression as the children got older and started having their own social lives. However we live pretty closely so we still see a lot them and they are able to still see their friends when they are here.

I don't really understand why any parent would decide to live 250 miles away from the other parent of their child to be honest. It's pretty obvious that it's going to cause issues like this.

Well I think it’s legally 14. But I would say, that’s big blocks of time to be away from friends etc. so I would imagine it’s going to get tricker as secondary school etc.

I would never force it. There is literally no point making someone come it won’t be enjoyable for anyone.

Why is her parent 250 miles away?

I think around 14/15 generally, though my late teens/young adults still insist on 50/50!

And there are a variety of reasons people live apart, hell my friends ex-husband move to America last year for work!

I’d say about 14. We’re finding that DSS14 is missing the odd weekend as he’s got other plans and that’s fine. It was the same with DSD. Also my son stopped going to his dad’s completely at around 15/16 but the visits had been tailing off for at least a year before that.