DSD overweight; any advice for Dp?

[oberaue]

Hello,

My DSD is 11.5 and has been gaining weight over the past few years.

Last April DP spoke to his ex and they both agreed action needed to happen. They agreed she was overweight, and mum said that she too is overweight and that they'd both go on a health kick together. We said we'd encourage this at ours too.

We know factually that they do eat a lot of take aways/junk and DSD snacks a lot on crisps and chocolate.

This is going to sound like I'm bashing mum but I'm really not, but in our household we are healthy, rarely have take aways and we cook home made foods. Health is quite important to us as a whole. My DS 12 is active and healthy, and I have educated him on healthy choices etc. don't get me wrong we still love an ice cream etc! Just everything in moderation.

Anyway, things haven't really worked and dsd is still very overweight. We saw a note in her phone where she had written how she hates being fat, looks in the mirror and cries at her rolls. Wishes she was slim like her friends but can't stop eating junk food. It was really heartbreaking to read. Mum has seen this too.

The relationship between my dp and his ex is very fragile. He had to take her to court late last year due to a few things, and the judge was quite hard on her and dp got what he went for. So from this she is quite resentful.

I have an okay relationship with her though and text her when need to in relation to DSD every now and again.

We spoke to DSD about her health, and how she felt etc (never mentioned her weight). She said she was unhappy and wanted to lose weight. We didn't focus on this too much but we did try to educate her on foods, and making better choices when hungry etc.

Fast forward to now, she is still very overweight. Still eating poorly at her mums, she probably has McDonald's three times a week and they eat a lot of microwave meals. And lots and lots of chocolate and crisps.

We discussed that we'd try and help with food shops, hellofresh etc if it helps but this was turned down.

My question is, what do we do? What can we do?

I feel that dsd knows she's overweight and wants to lose weight but her mum isn't helping her. We are as much as possible but I don't think it's doing much. I feel both parents need to be on board with this and for it to be consistent between homes.

I told my dp he needs to meet with mum, and sit down and talk about what they can do. He has said he'd ask her but he doesn't think she would accept this.

What can we do in terms of talking to dsd? We know this subject is very sensitive and the last thing we want to do is cause any further issues with her and food. But right now her relationship with food is poor.

I bought her a couple of growing up books which mention diet and food groups etc.

Any ideas? We worry about her health; physically and mentally. Is there any hope if mum isn't going to be on board? Thank you.

Tbh you cannot control the other household- (I was an overweight child through comfort eating and it’s horrible being different). I would focus on activity when with you, teaching her to cook and hope she takes control of her own nutrition as she enters adolescence.

I would try and build up her self esteem in other ways. Keep telling her she's beautiful. Praise her for things she does. Tell her how much you enjoy spending time with her because of her kindness/sense of humour/creativity. Focus on all the great things about her and not her weight.

Tricky, if mum isn’t on board it’s going to be undoing all the good work at your house. Could she spend mor time with you? Does she do any clubs? If not could you say you want to start running or swimming and ask her to join?

Poor kid tho, she knows she’s fat, isn’t happy, that note is heartbreaking and the mother is still filling her full of crap! If reading that note isn’t enough to light a fire in the mother I don’t know what is!

Can she live with you and her dad full time? Doesn’t seem like her mum is caring for her properly.

I know; as a mum myself I find it really hard that she's read the note and still isn't doing anything about it. She's a good mum, it's very different between homes don't get me wrong but dsd is happy.

So currently she walks to school and back, PE twice a week and on a Saturday she does stagecoach type thing.

We suggested netball at school and football but it didn't happen.

We live too far to be able to take her to the gym but she did sign up with her mum which we thought was great. But unfortunately they went a handful of times.

I feel it's more dietary than being active though?

I worry for the summer holiday but we have her for half so we will be keeping active etc

We would in a heartbeat but it would mean a huge upheaval for her as there is a big distance. So it'll be new school, friends, groups etc.

This is a given! We do this always. She's a great kid. A little more challenging now she's getting older and the conflicting rules in households I think proves to be tricky but she's great.

Curious if we should address the note found on her phone with her or not? I don't really know what we can do it's so sad. We are all slim and fit, I hope she doesn't feel bad when she's here? My son is like a beanpole! That wouldn't be causing her any upset would it?

Such a tricky age too.

The majority of weight really is food intake, being active is good, doesn't help much with weight. My DS is very active and still overweight. He's the most active of my DC and the only one overweight. It's really hard to get right even when everyone's on board and its been softly softly because we don't want to trigger an ED. He's Autistic and doesn't seem to realise he's full until he's completely stuffed. He also struggles dealing with emotions and would rather eat. I'm putting more salad and veggies on his plate, but a lot of it is just too much food, whether healthy or unhealthy. We're encouraging him to pause and listen to his body while eating, to stop eating when he's no longer hungry rather than eating till he's full.

I don't think there's much you can do unless you can get her mum onboard or unless she comes to live with you. I expect her mum feels a lot of guilt, but that isn't usually a productive emotion. If he hasn't already maybe your DH could ask his ex what barriers they're facing, how he can support ex to support DSD through this. Is she time poor? So exhausted at end of day cooking even hello fresh meals feels too much? Could they look at incremental changes like having the same number of takeaway but buying less and adding salad. It really is a mine field. I don't know if these would be appropriate or problematic questions to ask his ex, I don't know if she'd respond in a way that will help or if it will make her bury her head further in the sand. There's so much stigmatisation of people who are very over weight or obese and often internalized feelings failure in relation to that which makes it a very hard thing to tackle when when the parents are working together to change things.

It's likely she's comparing herself, but not anything you can do about that. If this was my DD Id 100% address the note. If my xh addressed the note it would she wouldn't cope that, I think it depends on the individual relationships. If you have the money your DH could find a psychologist that specialises in eating disorders and ask for advice about how to talk to DSD and support her through this.

I do know that mum had mentioned she is worried that talking to her dd would trigger an eating disorder but I also think perhaps she isn't aware that over eating/binge eating and secret eating are all ED too. Which is what DSD does currently.

Overeating instantly easily palatable food is difficult for adults to control let alone a teen. I can already hear the concerns over restrictive eating/ anorexia/ eating once she shifts a decent amount weight.

I would say you little chance of doing anything given the emotional nature of eating and the politics of feeding or depriving a child of a given food. Really there isn't a substitute for crisps, chocolate or MacDonalds. People just lose the taste for them or don't buy them so they can't eat them. You can't tell her mother what she can have in the house so realistically there's not much you can do.

If you make food enjoyable at yours maybe she will want to eat differently at hers is about the best you can do.

Forget about weight for now. There's nothing more you can do.

Focus on DSD feeling happy and confident in the body she has. Keep active at the weekends. Get her nice clothes, get her hair cut. Build her up, tell her she's beautiful. Do activities or even a weekend hobby she enjoys. Those are the foundations for her feeling happy in her skin in the long term.

Let’s not beat around the bush this is neglect. She’s 11.5 she will eat whatever is brought for her as she does in your house. Mum is not making better choices and her health is suffering as a result. Mum has been given the option to sort it and has instead done a bit for a few weeks and reverted back to her neglectful ways. I’d take her full time personally

Sport and exercise- presumably she does v little but you don’t enjoy sport until you are good at it- DH needs to work with her (tennis/buy bikes / gentle jogging, join the gym, pay for a personal trainer a few times so she is helped and encouraged.
You can’t eat crisps when your biking/running.

That’s really not going to resolve the problem

Is this a weird humble brag about how healthy and slim you and your kids are compared to your step kid and her mum? That's how it reads. It's her mother and father's issue- not yours. Perhaps she'd be happier and not feel the need to eat her pain away if her parents didn't split. Perhaps she's being bullied at school. Perhaps she does hate having to be around you and your slim healthy kids and that's making the issue worse. Maybe she has a thyroid problem or some other medical issue. Either way you sound overbearing and interfering - you have made your views on it clear to your husband leave it to him to take action now and let the poor kid relax when she's at yours without her weight being made an issue.

Hey OP.
We have similar with my DSD (14). She started putting weight on at around 9.5/10. She came to live with us for 4 months during Covid and managed to lose quite a lot (we didn’t really make a conscious effort as such but it was summer and we tend to be outside more and eating more healthily at that time of year).
She went back to her mums and she piled it all (and more back on.)

Again, M is a good mum, she’s loves DSD and DSD is happy, we all have a decent relationship BUT M has massive issues with saying no to DSD and I think whatever DSD asks for food wise, she gets.

We absolutely will not broach the subject of DSD’s weight with her, she already knows she’s overweight, she’ll be more than aware of that. I see the videos she reposts on TikTok and it makes for sad viewing. She knows, mentioning it to her again and making her feel even worse won’t help at all.

All you can try and do is carry on doing what you’re doing at your house. You dont have control over what happens at mum’s house so you’re limited as to what you can do. Sounds as though mum is struggling herself, it’s soooo hard to break the cycle.