Teenage SD and Money

[YourArtfulPlayer]

My DH and I are in an okay position financially, but that mainly comes from my finances being stable and I have a good job.

My DH’s ex is a professional student and not good with money. She has none and we had to loan her some to cover essential house maintenance.

SD went off to Uni last year and was good at saving up money etc. DH made it very clear he would help out to a certain extent, but within reason as we cannot fund everything. SD went off to uni and blew her money fairly quickly, so needed to start borrowing money here and there. SD has not got a job over the holidays and is in her overdraft. SD also mentioned needing money to move when here the other day and then today asked for more money as she is broke.

To some extent, this isn't my business and I don't care. But it is grating me as SD has now been on three holidays, visiting her boyfriend across the other side of the country etc etc and I know DH is sending her cash. We miss out on things and are struggling to afford a decent car so I find it annoying he is getting deeper into a situation that I think is only going to worsen, rather than now calling her out on her lack of responsibility.

I try talking to DH but he gets defensive and has an excuse for her acting the way she is (she's young, she booked the holiday months ago, we all have to learn etc). How do I tackle this as I don't see why I should miss out on things because DH is skint funding SDs good times.

I'm not sure you can do anything, apart from not give DH any money to help with his daughter. There is still plenty of time for her to get a job over the summer and she should be working through term time if she hasn't got much funds as I know student loans don't cover enough for accommodation any more.

Just don't agree to hand any money over to help ahe needs to learn to sort herself out.

Separate finances for you and your DH. Both pay the same towards bills. What’s left over you can spend as you decide individually. If he wants to give all his to his daughter to fritter fine. You can book holidays and treats for just you. He will soon change his tune if he sees you are getting on with life

You will have to separate your financials and give him a figure he needs to allocate to the household budget and be reminded you won't be subbing him because he cannot say no to SD.

This. Separate money, he can spend his however he wants to, you can spend yours however you want to. You can’t ask him to stop helping out his child, no matter what you personally think of it, all you can do is say that YOU won’t be subsidising her so you both pay for household expenses and then whatever is left you each get half to spend on anything whether that be new clothes, a holiday or sending to SD

Separate money, both pay 50/50 on bills, that way you're not effected.

I'm not sure visiting your boyfriend is a "holiday". And it's only July, just because she hasn't found a job yet doesn't mean she won't.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. Most students need a bit of parental help here and there and "lending" her cash (meaning she'll leave Uni owing DH money) seems quite cruel tbh. Moving whilst at Uni is extremely expensive and you usually need to pay a deposit before your last deposit is returned to you. Who is acting as her guarantor?

Time for SD's mother to step up and get a job and subsidise her child instead.

Separate finances is the only option you have, you've already "loaned" his ex money. Neither his ex nor his adult child are your responsibility.

This is what we do because I refuse to finance his kids or his ex’s demands!

I didn't say visiting a boyfriend was a holiday, but it is an additional expense she cannot afford. You are right it is only July, but it is also July and if she wanted a job she could have got one by now.

How am I being unreasonable and cruel? We (let me say this again so you understand… we) are helping. The loans are on top of the money WE are already contributing. SD had more than an adequate amount of money to survive Uni. It got blasted on clubbing, holidays, clothes etc.

Moving whilst at Uni isn't expensive for SD as we are the ones moving her. SD wanted extra money to buy ‘homely stuff’ eg fluffy pillows. And DH is the guarantor.

DH has completely over-contributed towards his DD and I have always been supportive of doing this as he couldn't do so without my funds. But where I draw the line is when we are funding holidays, boozing and a new wardrobe. If wanting her to reign that in is cruel and unreasonable then I guess I'm a horrible person lol.

Have to admit I am getting to that point. I feel like we are funding everyone else to have a good time and yet DH couldn't afford to give extra help if my money wasn’t available.

It boils my blood a little as she hasn’t worked a day since that child was born. You can guess by SD being at Uni how long that has been and how long my DH has been bankrolling her.

My husband ex still only works pt despite the youngest being 13. She’s just lazy. They benefit enough from my income by the house they get to live in whilst they are here etc ( which I own the majority of) I sure as hell don’t work to pay for kids that aren’t mine or a lazy ex that just can’t be arsed to work! Stand firm and stop being the money tree!!

Its refreshing to hear this. I often wonder if I am being unreasonable as I own a very nice house and we have the youngest SD here half the week. I don't mind to a certain extent, but it is starting to grate when we are struggling to afford things.

You’re not! Please don’t ever think you are.

She is 18 though and a big part of going to Uni is the social side of things. I'd want to help my SD and my DD as much as possible to have fun at Uni as I remember living in complete poverty and not having much help and it affected my motivation to study. Having said that, it does sound like she's struggling to manage her money and might not have grasped the concept that life at Uni is not going to involve all the same luxuries as life when working full time.

I think perhaps you and DH should sit down and work out a budget with her including all the expenses she has and suggest that she gives her loan to you to hold and DH gives her it back on a weekly basis, with an agreed extra amount so that she has enough to live off.

This

it’s fairly normally to fully fund your DC through Uni, but he should be doing it not you

Why are you tolerating this?
Separate you finances.
You are being used as a mug by your husband and his child.
It will continue for as long as you are silly enough to allow it.