I don’t know what do do!!

[Traybakebetty]

Hi all,

So I’ve have a had an absolute whirlwind of a time these last two years. I moved in with my new partner who had a 13 year old girl and who I had developed a wonderful relationship with. I have two children of my own (13 and 8). He has 3 children. Two boys who live with their mother. Now last year during the holidays one of the boys came to stay with us and then decided he wasn’t going to leave and wanted to live with us too. Now, I have a lovely bond with my stepchildren but here is the issue. The children’s mother doesn’t bother with her kids anymore, she is invested in a new partner and is now pregnant. When I say she doesn’t bother, she hasn’t seen them in at least 6 months, doesn’t even attempt to ask the children when they’d like to come and see her, and my stepdaughter will not speak to her at all. But some of this responsibility does fall on their dad of course (my partner). The son that lives with us does have some obvious issues with anger, he is 10 and has to have a full time teaching assistant, he is always hitting out and swearing at school. His daughter was permanently excluded from high school and goes to a temporary unit 2 hours a day, 5 days a week.

in the meantime, I am relentlessly running around for all of these children, I take them to school, 4 school runs a day, including the two hour stint for his daughter. I cook I clean and nurture them, AND I work full time fitting it all into my hours. My partner also, does no parenting. There is an expectation that I do literally everything, including all the meetings with the son’s behaviour. The teachers are constantly on my case, Yet I have no parental responsibility. I didn’t raise them this way, and I feel like I have to take the blame, I have no life anymore. My partner will go out on the motorbike at weekends or has his nights out with friends whilst I’m a full time mother to both of our children. During the day he sits on GTA and gives none of us attention. I’ve tried to talk to him because at this point I don’t feel human. But he says I’m overreacting, he even suggested I quit my job because I don’t need to work as he is a director and has plenty for us to live off. But my job is my saving grace as I can get out and see colleagues at the very least. I carry on for the kids sake as I feel they have no other support but it’s killing me inside because I’m burnt out. Am I selfish?

I would leave, he is not enhancing your life at all, just using you as childcare

I would refuse to do anything for his children, force him to step up.

Why do you think your self-esteem is so low that you'd put up with this? And even more worryingly, put your children through this.

Get yourself a therapist, do the work that you clearly need to do and then get yourself and you children out of this situation.

What do your children think about the situation? If you are having to be a full time parent to two other children, that must surely impact on them? What sort of future is this daughter who is currently doing two hours a week at a unit going to have? Sounds to me, OP, as though you’ll be looking after them for ever. I think you need to have a frank discussion with your partner, and point out that parenthood comes with responsibilities and that they are HIS children so he needs to step up.

You need to leave him for everyone's sake. You're suffering, your own kids probably get less attention and a stressed ,burnt out mum and his kids have basically been abandoned and neglected by both parents while you pick up the slack.

The only ones winning here are the lazy arsehole parents.

If you leave , he'll actually have to deal with his kids and their issues, be the one getting the calls and sorting things out and hopefully see how bad things really are for them, and that they need his time and attention.

You're allowed to put yourself and your kids first. In fact, that's what you should do.

This is not a good dynamic for your children. They are your first responsibility.

Your partner has manoeuvred you into an untenable situation whereby you are now the default childcare and parenter of his (difficult) children.

This is totally unfair on your and your own children. They didn't ask for this, and I would suggest they don't want it either.

I would say move out, back into a loving stable home for just you and your kids. They need you.

Simple solution Op, take your DC and go. Why should you be his house elf and free childcare when you get nothing in return

I think I'd give him an ultimatum at this point because I couldn't live like that. Man up and start pulling your weight with YOUR OWN children or I walk and you get to be a full time dad on your own. And make it clear that this is the hill you are willing to die on.

So he has gained a free nanny, housekeeper, cook & PA. You have lost time for your kids, time for you & slowly you are losing yourself.

I echo the others. For your own sake & that of your kids, move out. And quite honestly I would change your phone number so you don't keep getting the calls for his kids problems.

He is royally using you and mugging you off. You need to leave!

Thank you everyone, my two are going to school, cause no issues, my daughter does cheerleading and all sorts of things my son does go out with his friends to the skate parks and I do things with them at the weekends but yes of course I feel so guilty that the attention is always focused on the children that don’t “behave” and I give them all my all. I have spoken to my two recently, age appropriately about how they feel, and I’ve had a reality check. I think it’s time to go. I think I’ve known it for a while. I just felt selfish because I knew he had kids, I just didn’t know this was the life my children and I were going to live. I don’t want them around the negativity anymore.

Gosh he's sounds horrible. Thank god you work and can leave.

Do not NOT quit your job and become dependent on this waste of oxygen

Honestly, I was never like this before, I do feel like over time I’ve been losing myself and it’s become an expectation on me to do it all. I need to put mine first now, and I think everyone’s comments have helped me believe that, thank you xx

I am so glad you have given your head a wobble and come to your senses. You sound like a lovely caring person, please take your children and leave, move on to someone who doesn't use you as he does. You deserve so much better 💐

Definitely, I’d never quit, he’s been saying it for ages but I I’ve always known that I need to keep my independence, I am in a good position financially and I can leave and have a place to go to.

Thank you so much, I think that’s why it’s taken me so long to come to a realisation because I care so much. But I’m getting nothing from this and neither are my children.

Absolutely, thank you so much honestly, just posting a thread here has really helped me, my children don’t deserve it, and they need their mum back 😔

No wonder he moved you in. It's cheaper than employing a nanny.

OP you deserve a lovely life with your children not a lazy man who has equal culpability in raising 2 children who are troubled. He's been using you to facilitate his career and you are now the default nanny, cleaner and housewife whilst working full time.

I'm so pleased you're now going to leave and live a peaceful life with your children.

What does he bring to the table that is worth destroying your children's childhood for? Because that's what you're doing, so much about how this affects you, but you are choosing to be there, your poor kids are victims of your choices.

When you leave, I guarantee he is going to guilt trip you and tell his children you are leaving because of them.

Stay strong. He needs to step up. Tell them, and their schools (as it sounds like you are involved and the main point of contact) that you are leaving because their father refuses to parent his own children, and their mother has absolved herself of all responsibility.

Make sure you are taken off the contact list, and make a very clean break. No continuing to help with appointments etc for his children. They have two parents. Their parents need to step up.

Thanks for the input, not really a need to point fingers or become triggered, my children are extremely well looked after, yes I will absolutely state how it affects me, because my children NEED me to be at my best. Why can’t I state how I feel or how it affects me, they have 100% attendance, extra curricular activities, time with me, and want for nothing. I’ve been a single parent for 12 years and I’ve been at every game, every scraped knee, every parents evening and every day of their lives I’ve been there all whilst holding down a job to put food on the table for them. If you read the thread this is a recent occurrence, and I certainly domt need you to tell me I’m destroying their childhood, they have had a wonderful life, and I’ve sacrificed everything I ever could at every opportunity. So Thanks.

I’m overwhelmed just reading this. You are a fantastic supportive mum to all four children, and your husband is taking advantage.

If you can’t make him see he is being unreasonable and not pulling his weight, I can only see this going one way.

This!

You have kids too. How much does he do for them when he can't even be arsed to take care of his own? It doesn't go both ways does it? So leave the guilt behind. You're not responsible for the children or his poor choices.