Lazy teens and SO not stepping up

[Hackedoffstepmum]

I moved into my SO's house in January with his 16 year old and 19 year old boys. My problem is that they are so lazy, not helping around the house but so demanding of my SO's time.
I dont feel comfortable in the relationship I have with the boys to ask them to do anything and hints to my SO fall on deaf ears. My SO just does the things that they should be doing eg the dishes, cleaning their bathroom. They are asked but slope off or sleep through their alarm and run out of time. I'm not asking for the kids to do major tasks.
My children are older but when we used to live together, I would get them to help, even if this took some time and some arguments. When I say my SOs kids should help he always brings it back on me that my kids weren't easy to get to do things around the house. But they never lived with him so why should that matter?!

in return the kids want money for sports, prom outfits, medical expenses, they want driving lessons, mobile phones, tickets to concerts and lifts to their part time jobs. Not to mention the drain on his time. The eldest is in uni and is struggling, so dad is spending hours of time reading and editing his assessments. This kid is never going to finish uni but I feel like I can't tell his dad that! (For context, my son, who has a high IQ and ADD is breezing through uni and living with friends in a different state I feel that if I mention the SOs son needing to readdress his career prospects, it make be seen as a case of "my son is better than yours")
so while my SOs sons live with us throughout uni we spend our time off cooking, cleaning and washing and spending more money than we need to on a house bigger than we need to accomodate everyone. The BM lives locally in a 2 bed messy house which the boys don't visit very often because they don't like it there. Neither would I if I had the option of a tidy house with everything done 😂

You moved into a situation without prior discussion of roles and expectations? He sounds like he's doubleparenting and overcompensating by trying to make up for their mum not being in their lives much. Do you feel he's paying for their love and affection? Have a calm chat with him but tbh I'd move out as it seems apart from you acting like the cleaner/cook/skivvy he doesnt have room mentally for you in his home.

Why not just move back to your own property and date your boyfriend without the drudgery of his kids and chores?

Just move back into your own home. you can't move in with a family and start changing the circumstances of young people's home and relationship with their father. It isn't any of your business how they all rub along

They are living with their dad, as they always have. He's supporting them as he always has.

You don't get to move in and decide their family set up is wrong and needs fixing, if it doesn't work for you, move back to yours.

I think you should move back out until the sons have left home. Every family does things differently, and choosing to move in and then make cats bum faces and compare with how you did things when your children were at home is only going to end badly.

I agree with everyone else. Move out. You moved into their home and you can't start trying to boss the boys around and change the way things are done. Yes of course the boys should do more but it's not your battle and not your place to tell them. Maybe your partner wants to do everything! I'd leave him to manage his own household and just see him for nice times together.

I moved 3000km to live with him. I gave up my house, job and most of my belongings. It’s not financially viable for me to move out.

he’s definitely double parenting, buying their love by giving them an easy life. When I was planning my move the eldest son was not going to be living with us and this changed two weeks before I moved. I got more than I had been promised.

I’m sure that my SO wouldn’t have been so understanding of my lazy kids if the roles were reversed

It is their home. You can't arrive in their home and tell them to do more housework/live differently/ change their relationship with their father.

You need to move back. If they are so far away from where you lived, how could you have known them well enough to move in? You took a massive gamble, and it hasn't worked out for you, but you took that risk. These young people haven't chosen to take any risk with their home and family. They are not the ones who should have their lives disrupted.

move out. You are not happy. You took a gamble that you would be, and you are not, so it is a risk you took, that you would have to move out again.

Don't take it out on young people who were just quietly getting on with their lives and didn't ask for this disruption

There is nothing you can do or say to change them so either move out or grin and bear it…. I’d vote move out to your own place until the kids move out of home

YIKES. Your sole focus should be on getting financial security back. You've chosen to be incredibly vulnerable and with zero legal protections in place?

Wow, you have made terrible choices! You should sort those out and achieve financial independence again instead of worrying whether your partner or his son washes the dishes.

Also assuming for a moment that this is real and you moved 3000km, did you even know him before you moved?

Well, if you're determined to stay I think you just have to put up with it. You can refuse to do stuff for the boys yourself but let him parent how he wants. You can't move into their home and start interfering.
As for them "demanding his time", it's up to him how much time he devotes to his kids. I wouldn't want any partner telling me I should spend less time on my children.

I live in Australia and we did the distant relationship for 3 years. I had previously known him for 25 years

What happened to your money when you gave up everything to move in with him?
I agree with everyone saying you need to extricate yourself asap and regain your independence. They all just want a support human.

Terrible decision to give up everything before giving it a trial run. 🤦🏼‍♀️
I aree that older children living at home should help out, but at 16 and 19, things aren't suddenly going to change just because Dad's girlfriend of 3 years has moved in.
You sound rather judgmental of both the boys and their Mum.
You don't sound happy, nothing is going to change and why should it when it's worked for them long before you came on the scene?

There's no chance at that age of changing their attitude at home nor is it fair. Plenty of families have this dynamic for generations.

Either emotionally detach from the clash of expectations or plan to leave.

I had to move to be with DH. It was rough and there weren't two lazy teenagers to deal with. Would have been better to wait until they were both moved out before you did anything but here you are.

Get a job, save up, get a little flat and date him from afar. Move in if you still like him when they've moved out.

This.

You ha e made a huge mistake and are stuck.
Huge mistake.
His house, his children, his rules.
You have to suck it up.
Get a job, save money, create options for yourself.
This will not improve.
Start planning on how you get out of this situation.

"When I say my SOs kids should help ..."
Can I suggest that you take a slightly different tack on this? Instead of framing it as 'they should be helping', try 'they need to learn how to look after themselves and run a home, we are failing them if we don't teach them the skills they will need to be independent'.

And then accept that the task will take longer than if you/SO just did it yourself. I expect this is the bit your SO needs to work on! Just as when children were toddlers, and needed to learn how to walk / talk / brush their own teeth, teens need to be taught how to do household tasks / how to anticipate that tasks will need to be done / how to accept they need to do the tasks in the first place.

If he loves his sons and truly wants the best for them, then he needs to stop being the Disney Dad. His sons are not children, they are trainee adults; and it is his responsibility to conduct their training! I genuinely mean it when I say that he is failing in his parenting by not teaching them how to be functional adults.

"I moved 3000km to live with him. I gave up my house, job and most of my belongings. It’s not financially viable for me to move out."
Have you got a new job yet? I'd prioritise that over everything else. Apart from giving you an income (which will alter what is financially viable for you) it will get you out of the house and stop your time being available to your SO to skivvy for the three of them. It will widen your acquaintance group, help you to make new friends and a support network. I think it will also help your self-esteem, which I suspect is taking a bit of a hit right now. It doesn't have to be a career-job, a job-job will serve the same purposes.

Father pays his 16.year old kid's medical expenses..and you think that is unreasonable! You are a piece of work!

You moved in on their life. Their dad will always put his dcs first, that is how it should be. And they have a life they are happy with.

You were invited to join them, not to reorganise how they live.

I see nothing wrong in paying my teen's medical expenses or giving him lifts. I bought his prom clothes and pay for his phone. I do it gladly. I want him to have a good time. Maybe your dp WANTS to spend his time helping his dcs and doesn't see it as a 'drain on his time'. At that age, dcs are around for such a short time before they fly the nest, some parents value every day.

Move back out, and date him rather than live with them as a family.