How do I help? Advice needed on staying over, co-parenting, communication.

[Loukey]

I am a step-parent to 11yo twin girls. I have been in a relationship with their dad for 3yrs, but they have only known for 2yrs as their parents had only recently divorced when we met and we wanted to be sure where the relationship was going before introducing me. 3yrs in, we own a house together and both have good respective relationships with the girls, but there are ongoing issues.

The girls won't stay at our house. They have their own room which they've decorated, their own clothes, craft stuff, DVDs, books, games. But they have regressed to not staying overnight. There are lots of factors which could be impacting (school, stress at their mum's house, missing out on things when they're here, hormones), but it is becoming a point of tension in our house.
I struggle with the change in routine (they decide at 5/6pm on the day they're meant to stay that they want to go home), but mainly with the fact they cannot give a reason for not wanting to stay. They just say 'I don't know, I just want to go home.'

They're children, I know they can't be expected to vocalise all their emotions, but when there is no reason they can give, it just feels like we're failing them in some way. Their dad struggles because he feels like he's not doing enough and not involved enough in their lives (not true at all, he talks to them every night, pays for and attends swimming lessons every week, pays child support as well as for half of all school necessities, general clothes, trips etc., does so many activities with them when they are here), and I struggle because I'm worries that I'm the reason they don't want to stay - I think they're feeling a little guilty for enjoying time with me because I'm not their mum.

There's been a new development with their reading - one reads a lot, one very little. School have just done a reading test, and one has come out a year advanced, and the other a year behind. I used to run a reading program in secondary schools to get kids to their chronological reading age, so this is something I have genuine expertise in, but I don't feel like I can help at all. My partner never liked reading as a kid and was forced to, and resented school and reading because of it. I agree with not forcing anyone, but encouragement is needed, not bashing the school and telling her it doesn't matter. We tried to talk about it last night, but it ended in an argument because he is angry at the school for telling them the results in a way that makes her feel stupid and behind her peers, particularly her twin sister. He couldn't see past this and just blamed the school, so there was no where the conversation could go. As the twins are only here once a fortnight, there isn't a lot I can do that will have a major impact. I have also never spoken to their mum, so I am not able to help put a plan in place. I feel helpless.

Part of the helplessness is frustration with my partner. He bends over backwards to meet the needs of his ex (nothing necessarily unreasonable, but all of them result in swapping weekends - sometimes at late notice - or even just having them for one day every weekend for a few weeks, which is so disruptive as I end up having to change plans to accommodate, including not being able to have my family to stay as the girls haven't met them), but gets annoyed at me when I voice frustrations. It feels like he would rather upset me than her, as she has the power to make his life more difficult because of the girls. I don't think she would do this - she knows it would be detrimental to them - but a lot gets said around them by adults who think they're not listening but they absolutely pick up on.

Will this ever change? Will I ever feel like he's putting me first? Because right now I am struggling to see how our future together will work if he drops everything when called by her. I know they're his children, I know he's responsible for them, but I'm just confused about where I fit into his life at the minute.

Sorry, I know this has gone over so many topics, but any advice would be appreciated.

Perhaps - but they've been asked about it and it's not that. They've stayed before in the last house we rented, and at my partners flat before that. They have no problem being here during the day, they just want to sleep at home

Why would I butt out when they are my step kids and I care about them? It's important they are confident with reading and school.
No I don't have kids. Why would you say you hope he doesn't put me first?

Sorry but you don't have the whole story. Actually they would say that. Maybe not to me or their dad in the moment, but they would to their mum. She also cannot get a reason out of them.

Unless you have any actual, constructive advice, please stop commenting

@Loukey step-mums (or step-partners) never get a good ride on MN, so take some of the previous comments with a pinch of salt. It is a never ended blood sport for some posters...

The problem here is your dp, not the dc. I'm sure their mum would also appreciate them staying over once in a while, so maybe he can have a conversation with mum about it? I would suggest that something needs to be done to break the cycle of not wanting to sleepover. Could you all go for a weekend away somewhere where running them back to mums would be more of an issue? So they are reminded that a night with you all is a fun, good thing? Could you get them to plan a special breakfast which they help prepare the next morning to encourage them to stay?

With the reading, it is frustrating especially as you have experience in this field, and could help. When things have calmed down with your dp, maybe try and discuss again. Say that you're willing to help, but if he doesn't feel comfortable with that, maybe signpost him to some resources instead?

I feel I have some experience with this as a mum to a 10 year old girl and step mum to similar ages. My step children also don't stay, we don't force it and just have them 9-7 once every weekend and we still get to do fun things and lots of quality time. Could you perhaps change the frequency of having them? Do an after school dinner one week? Full day every week or every other etc whatever works for you all? Take the pressure off them staying but still letting them get a decent amount of time with you and dad? We do a mix of time with just dad and all of us together to get a good balance.

My daughter does stay with her dad but she has gone through phases of not wanting to, she also has had to be collected from sleepovers a few times (even when she had previously stayed) and no real reason just she didn't feel like it. So I think just sometimes these things happen and you mustn't take it to heart. There's nothing like your own bed. It could also be their age/puberty hitting and they feel a bit more awkward with self care round dad etc.

In regards to the reading I wouldn't interfere but gently encourage it if the girls seem interested with you.

Thank you - appreciate the heads up as first time posting!

One thing I missed was that the 'regression' in not staying over happened after we went on holiday - 4 nights in Wales. They had a great time but were teary in the evenings, but it was their first time away from mum for longer than 1 night, so not unexpected. I think some of the residual anxiety from that might be contributing.

I was hoping to do a film night with them, proper girly sleepover stuff with facemasks and nail painting and things over the summer - they really like that sort of thing. I thought making more of an event of the evening rather than the staying might help?

The resources are a good idea - at least they can be shared with mum as well and perhaps utilised more fully. Thank you!

Thank you - it's good to know that it's happened to other people. I find it really hard not to take to heart though, as we've put so much effort into making sure they're comfortable here. They really do like me (they hold my hand when we walk the dog, say 'love you' when they leave), but anxiety just tells me it must be me that's the issue.
I'd love to do an after school dinner, but they're busy! They are in clubs/activities pretty much every day, but perhaps we could work something for the summer holidays when that calms down.
We also do a mix of time with just their dad and all of us - it's important they get that bonding with him. We've also done stuff one-on-one, where dad does lego and I do baking or something, and the kids swap over. Helps dad to talk to them about things - being twins they get lumped in together so often!

I think puberty has a lot to do with it. One of the girls is generally a bit more anxious than the other, and when she doesn't want to stay, her sister follows suit to keep the peace. I've been told there's more fighting at home recently, and their mum is putting that down to hormones...

I'm a step-mum now and my parents also split when I was 4 so I know what it's like from all perspectives...

I know I went through a time of not wanting to stay over my Dad & step-mum's for some reason when I was around 10 as well and in fact I had really bad separation anxiety from my Mum which lasted around 6 months. I had previously stayed over my Dad's for 3 nights every other weekend for 6 years so it came out of nowhere! I can't even tell you why I felt like that, maybe just an age thing? I've noticed my DSD who is also 10 is changing at the moment so I definitely feel your step daughters may grow out of this too...

However, my mum always actively encouraged me to try and stay over my Dad's and I could tell it was upsetting both of them which I think I almost needed to see. Whilst I wasn't forced to stay anywhere I didn't want, I had to still understand the implications of what I was doing. Sometimes as kids they have to do things they don't always want and 9 times out of 10 they snap out of it!

I feel your pain but not sure where you can really go from here. It doesn't sound like your DP has a lot of time for you in your relationship either so I guess it's for you to have a serious think if this is the life for you...

Thank you so much for your perspective - I really appreciate it. I think deep down I know this is just something time will take care of, but I think the fact we were doing so well with them staying over, and have gotten a house with a room that they can do anything they want with, just feels like a bit of a kick in the teeth that they've stopped staying... but as other commenters have said, I guess we just have to try and not take it personally and make sure they're comfortable. I definitely think once they stay once, it will all skew back to how it was, it's just getting over that first time again!

I think I've painted DP poorly - he's struggling a lot more than he lets on with the kids not staying as it really makes him feel like he's failing them. He's wonderful in so many ways, but just can't quite seem to understand my perspective on this sometimes. I don't think it's reasonable to expect to be his priority, but I need him to start taking me and my time/feelings into consideration before blindly agreeing to things their mum asks for. If nothing else, because we're discussing our future, potentially including children, and I need to be sure that our kids would be as much of a priority for him.

Been through this with the youngest step kid. He refused to come and was giving bullshit reasons. Me and their dad agreed to solve each lie until we get to the truth. So it was it’s too dark, ok here’s a night light, I don’t like my pillows ok here’s a different pillow. Then the truth came. He was upset he realised his parents weren’t getting back together. Now as upsetting as that is, it’s not changing and not seeing his father wasn’t going to fix it. His mum was so unhelpful, did not encourage contact at all and he learnt if he cried he’d get his own way. He’d cry wanting to go, we’d ask why and be told I don’t know. Now after about 2 months of taking him, I actually said, there’s no reason for you not to stay. We have been a taxi for a long while now and without a reason so unless you can say why, weren’t not taking you. Still shrugged. His mum doesn’t drive so we said ok call mum ask her to pick you up. Obvs she didn’t. After a few times of this he stopped it as he learnt crying wasn’t going to work and he was back to coming on the regular. Agree it is disruptive as we couldn’t make plans and we also didn’t want to encourage only mum can deal with emotions.

now in regards to him prioritising the ex, that’s really disrespectful to you and it needs to end if he respects you and wants to be with you. If you do not make this clear yes it will continue and yes it will piss you off more and more. The last minute changing plans is her not respecting their already unstable time with their father. She is not helping this situation and it needs to stop or you need to create your own boundaries and leave.

I went through this too and after a plan I made (partner never bothered) was cancelled as their mother decided she’d make plans In our time and my now ex let her 🙄 I lost money as I’d paid for the event. I walked away. It was too much. I didn’t want my life to be dictated by his ex under the guise of “it’s for the kids” not everything can and should be “for the kids”

good luck my love and ignore the haters x

@EG94 Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate being able to learn from other peoples experiences.

I really think that if they stay once, it will all go back to how it was, but I don’t feel I have the power to make that happen. We can’t force them (mum does drive and will tell them they can come home), and their dad doesn’t want them to associate here with being trapped, which I get.

with the prioritising, I think it’s that he’s so worried about doing something wrong by the kids, that he just says yes to anything she changes. And in all honesty, none of it is terrible, it’s just fairly regular. Like because they’re away on holiday this weekend, the weekends have swapped. Except they weren’t going to swap because the kids were supposed to come last weekend but didn’t want to. So now they’ve swapped again, and that’s the 5th or 6th time in the last 6 months that they’ve swapped the whole schedule. And he has just gone with it because he thinks saying anything else will mean he can’t see them, but doesn’t check with me first. I’m trying to find things for us to do on our weekends alone, and then whenever I get something, it just feels like it changes. I’ve tried to speak to him about this several times during our relationship, and each time he just says he agrees and is sorry, but nothing changes. I just don’t know what else to do.

thank you x

It’s not being trapped it’s not being spoilt and having a child dictate the rules and plans. It seems they don’t have a good co parenting relationship and so she wouldn’t support them staying on his contact time. This is a shame but I’d either refuse to be taxi or court for formalised contact.

I also think not wanting to upset the kids is a really poor reason to behave the way hubby is behaving.

you could just stop making the effort or you could say we stop swapping weekends if she won’t support with overnight stays.

both parents need to work together and please don’t be silenced. Their spoilt, selfish entitled behaviour goes for parents and children is affecting you and you have every right to say no more.

im really sorry you’re in this position. I’m very happy to be out of it which I appreciate isn’t what you want for you but I don’t see it will improve. I hoped it would and the threat of me leaving still wasn’t enough to stop my ex dancing to his ex wife’s tune. That told me all I needed to know. I wasn’t and would never be a priority to him.

I think the idea that it will change if you have a child together is the greatest fallacy.
It will continue and you will feel a lot worse than you feel now.
Your child will come last and you will feel like a single parent who is the only parent that is concerned about them.
Everything in your life and home will be dependent on it suiting your partners older children and schedule, as that has always come first.
Resentment will become huge.
Do not rush into having a child with someone whom has so many parenting issues and guilt.
It will cost you dearly if you do.

I just wanted to say thank you again to everyone who’s commented. Partner and I have had a really good and productive talk. Whilst I don’t expect everything to be perfect from now, he understands how I’m feeling and his part in it, as well as the steps to take to rectify the situation.
I really appreciate the advice and experience you all shared x