View on partners when you have children

[nwsw]

What is the etiquette with new parents and introducing them to your children as a mother with children?

What's a reasonable amount of time? What should you know about the partner?
When should you tell the other parent? Before or after you introduce the children to a new partner? Do you need to tell the other parent?

Is it different for a father?

It's really nothing to do with the other parent who you have the kids around in your time tbh, depends on age of kids for meeting them, you should make sure that the new partner your with is going to be long term so different people not in snd our of there lives.

I think a parent does have a right to know who their child is spending time with when they are with the other parent . Sadly not everyone makes good decisions.

The mother of the children’doesn’t have the ‘right’ to know who the children are being introduced to / spending time with. Does the mother give the father the details of all friends, child care people, baby sitters etc that the children are with in the mother’s time? I doubt it.

Reasonable amount of time will be different for everyone. Just look at posts on here. IMO it’s 6 months, but opinions will vary.

Should you know about the new partner? I don’t think so.

The same ‘rules’ should apply for the father & mother. The mother isn’t the more important parent who gets to control / dictate.

I think responsible co parents would communicate this huge life change before introducing the DC, so both parents can be open to questions and supporting the DC.

It depends on the age of the children and who the new partner is.

So a 17 year old who wants you dating and you are dating someone they know you would introduce sooner than at 7 year old who doesn't understand the concept of dating and doesn't know the person.

Edited to add: I met my DP's DC just after 6 months as I was in the latter category while a friend met her DP's DC after 3 months as she was in the former. My friend is now married to him years later, while I'm not married but have a child who is the half-sibling to my DP's DC.

If you are taking longer than a year to introduce your new partner to your kids and you claim you are serious about that person, then you shouldn't be dating anyone and you need to resolve your own issues while single.

I don't think there is a magic time that is right. I would say when it's been long enough that you see a future with them, but not so long that it means that the kids have to meet them and then you move in with them pretty much immediately which I think can happen if you wait too long.

I think that waiting too long can be as unsettling for kids as introducing too soon as if you wait too long you are already in an established relationship with their parent that the kids have to just slot into rather than being able to grow into your own dynamic together.

I would not have stayed with DH if he was unwilling for me to meet them once I felt like I wanted a future with him as it would have felt like he didn't feel the same.

Edited to add: I think it is polite to inform their other parent. However, if the ex is likely to kick off, expects the power of veto or will otherwise make things difficult it is not a requirement.

I think it’s what feels right for you and your child.

my ex dropped subtle hints about me to the kids and asked them about how they feel. I’d leave some bits and pieces out so they had chance to adapt and ask questions. They met my dogs first so they knew them (without me present) then the plan was that first day I’d see them he’d come to get the dogs and I’d just put the dogs in the car quick hi but the boys asked me to join them on the walk. It kind of just went from there.

I met them quicker than I was comfortable with but both my ex and their mum were happy for us to meet.

yes we did hit a bit of a phase with the youngest. I think when he realised I wasn’t going anywhere and his mum and dad were not going back together he kinda had all his hoped kill. The co parenting failed to get him through this but we got there in the end

good luck

Thank you

The situation is that my children's mother is in a new relationship. Less than a month children are introduced. He stays around.
It's one of many occasions with lots of different men ( that's her business entirely) but I can't help but think this is really unfair of them. They are both very young. One is 8 and the other is 5.

No mention of anything to dad. I just don't understand how she can be rationalising this behaviour?

@nwsw She’s not thinking of the children at all in that scenario and FWIW I think the co-parent should be informed about meeting a new partner so they can help the child if needed. It’s a common courtesy and I don’t really understand why so many people take against it.

I disagree with your last paragraph. I've been with my partner nearly a decade. The children have met him and know we are serious and in it fif the long haul but we don't cohabit and won't until they are grown up and gone, if at all. My relationship with him is separate to my relationship with them.

I agree. I can't imagine how shortsighted and uncaring you would have to be to not let the other parent know.

Thank you @Chargerbattles and @sunflowrsngunpowdr I completely agree.

Once separated the parents are individuals who happened to share children.

So if the parents don't get on and this includes one parent thinking they have the right to unasked for input into the other parent's life choices, then they aren't going to tell the other parent about their life choices.

You’re right to be angry. My ex H did very similar, introduced them to the new gf after eight weeks. She burst on the scene and proceeded to cause utter carnage. Bullied/stalked/abused me relentlessly, was horrid to the kids etc. The 7 months later disappeared overnight with all the her stuff and pets.

Who’s left picking up the pieces? Me, naturally. I said it would end in disaster and again I was right.