Am I in the wrong?

[schpindy]

My stepdaughter (11) has always been awful. Granted her BM is a terrible DA and hasn’t seen her or the baby (4) since September last year and has also been in jail recently. I’ve been supported for her every other weekend parent plan (BF has full custody) and always talked great about her and made them excited to see her. She abandoned them once again. So, I am not saying that my SD is not allowed to be feeling all types of ways. Me and dad take her to therapy and she lies to her therapist and makes up mental illnesses she doesn’t have and never addresses her real issues. We have always been super supportive. Her and I have a great relationship, the last year has been hell (we’ve been together for 3 years). My SD has been super mean to me and disrespectful. When my BF doesn’t step in when she is acting up, I usually am
the one addressing it and then an argument always ensues because she is so very ignorant. We also believe she is a narcissist. She has never given me an apology Or shows any empathy towards anyone for how she treats me when this happens. I always break down mentally and feel miserable. The one and only apology I’ve ever had was a gas lighting narcissist thing to say, “I’m sorry for how you felt when I said this”…We had an argument the other day, completely lost it with my BF with a break down and asking him to understand where I’m coming from? I have two adults sons (19 & 21) and I asked him to think if he was in my position and if my kid/kids treated him that way, how he would feel? Sometimes I feel like I’m a third wheel and not even comfortable in our house. She has been lying a lot, an example recently is her saying I ate all the sweets…these kids rarely have treats and usually all fruit homemade popsicles. I called her out on it, because it’s like she just wants him to be mad at me. I can understand what she is going through…but she has us, two very supportive loving people that cook meals every night and eat dinner, have adventures and fun, have heart to hearts and snuggles and they get all the attention. I make sure that my BF has one on one time with them regularly and together time without me as well. I’m trying to balance their lives so they don’t feel like I’m intruding or overstepping. My BF is supportive and he does have good talks to her about how it feels sometimes for us, as it’s not always me…it’s just, she chooses violence everyday. I honestly could go on forever, but the main thing is, I’m the adult and have tried to explain how she makes me feel, but I never get any sort of apology and feel disrespected all the time. And for days I’m a mess and don’t feel welcomed due to her behavior and treatment towards me. Should I be forgiving and just act like she doesn’t crush my world? Any advice?

You think a 11 year old is a narcissist because she’s playing up after being abandoned by her mother for the umpteenth time?

Why not just dump your boyfriend? Enjoy life. The man needs to be focused solely on parenting his poor kid. This all sounds horrific for the child-she’s suffered the ACE of a jailed parent, parental abandonment, her dad’s girlfriend has issues with her, all just brutal and traumatic and not in her best interests.

That's an awful lot of particularly harsh descriptions for an eleven year old. Particularly one who has had the life experiences she has had. I don't really have anything more to add other than if you read your own post back, I can understand why she maybe feels the way she does. It's awful feeling unappreciated and disrespected but that's an awful lot for a child to have to deal with, and if your feeling for her is apparent to her as it is by your post I'm not sure how you're going to move forward.

Did you just call an eleven year old child "ignorant"?

Wow.

calling an 11 year old child a narcissist is bloody awful, just because she doesn't apologise to you, I feel so sorry for her, she's got no hope when that's what her own parent and stepparent think of her.

This is really confusing.

I’ve been supported for her every other weekend parent plan (BF has full custody) and always talked great about her and made them excited to see her

Your boyfriend has her full time or every other weekend? Who is being made excited to see her?

Her and I have a great relationship, the last year has been hell (we’ve been together for 3 years). My SD has been super mean to me and disrespectful

Is “her” your step-daughter? If so, in what respect do you have a great relationship in the light of your subsequent comments?

What is a 'DA'?

Google hasn't even thrown up an answer.

Why can't people just take 2 seconds to type the whole thing?

Is there not possibly some kind of ND at play here? She's 11. Wouldn't it be worth exploring that rather than writing her off? When her teenage hormones kick in she'll be wild. There's that to think of too because I bet you won't be able to cope with that either. She's still a child, get everything support wise in place as fast as possible. You have the chance to support her before she goes off the deep end. If she's left to do so and she does then that's a reflection on you and your BF. What next after that? NC?
This kid needs help. It's part and parcel of parenting to realise when issues arise and then explore every option possible to get help for her. I’m on my own with a 12 year old suspected autistic DD who often physically attacks me, I'm still fighting for her. There's two of you. Sort it out. It says everything about you if you don’t try. She'll have that self fulfilling prophecy. The pair of you think she's a narcissist at 11 years old. For days you're a mess and you feel like your world is crushed by her? Absolutely ridiculous. She's still a little girl. You, the grown adult are reacting like this. Your BF needs to take the situation in hand very fucking quickly and if you're that easily affected by what would be leading into an awkward age regardless, I suggest you duck out of the relationship. Don’t you ever think what it would be like if she was yours and suffering like this?

Your stepdaughter is: awful, a liar, hell, super mean, disrespectful, ignorant, a gaslighting narcissist, shows no empathy, chooses violence every day and crushes your world.

Hmmm…you should leave. Your boyfriend needs to parent his daughter without worrying about your repeated breakdowns because she accuses you of eating sweets.

Drug addict, I assume

She sounds like a child who needs help. You are demonising her here. You are judging her like an adult that is abusing you but she is a little girl who has suffered many adverse child experiences and is basically traumatised. Put yourself fully in her shoes. Maybe she has an idea in her head about you, irrationally blames you for her mother abandoning her or feels you take her dad’s attention.

It’s a difficult situation . She definitely needs a lot of support and help to overcome her difficulties and you should consider getting therapy to, to deal with your irrational feelings towards a child.

You need to exit this relationship immediately. The way you talk about this girl is fucking horrifying. You have lost the plot, I'm afraid.

Imagine describing traumatised, troubled 11 year old who has been abandoned by her mother this way, and thinking you're in the right. Not even that, the way OP describes herself she clearly thinks she's some sort of hero for "tolerating" said 11 year old.

Poor kid. She sounds so lost.

Im usually a bit pro step parent but this OP really takes the cake. I agree with everyone else on the thread. The way you talk about this poor child is vile.

You are guilty of demonisation and systemic scapegoating. The poor child is 11.

My advice would be to speak to your boyfriend about how aspects of her behaviour are not acceptable. Yes she has experienced things that no one should ever experience and you do need to have that in the back of your mind. She's 11 so more than likely going through the hormonal stage which is a nightmare for a child who hasn't experienced what she's experienced. The bottom line is her mum could be the worst mum in the world, but she's still mum and you're not mum. That's not a dig towards you it's just a fact. I work in a profession where I see kids longing for their parents love and attention despite them being awful parents. You have to understand that she's probably hurting a lot about the life her mum has chosen and she's still quite young to articulate her feelings in the correct way. The outright rudeness though I'd be pulling up my partner, something along the lines of 'look I know SD has been through a lot but when she's outright rude to me I would appreciate you stepping in and telling her she can't speak to people that way'

You do need to change your mindset about her though. Remember that she is a pre teen possibly going through hormonal changes. I do understand if she uses you as her punch bag to get her anger out why you get annoyed but you have to remind yourself she's 11. She's not 16 who is started to navigate the world.

My step son went through an awful stage at 11 where he started to make digs at me but I would just laugh and brush it off. My partner ended up having a word with him that he can't speak to me how he does, now he gives me a cuddle hello/goodbye every time we have him. I genuinely believe a lot of it is hormonal plus the complexity of her up bringing is going to make things worse for how she expresses herself.

Step away from this shitshow, why on earth are you doing this to yourself when you have grown up children? The child is 11, you haven't even entered the teen years yet. Get out and enjoy a quiet, peaceful life OR stay and get on with it. This child has experienced trauma, she will not just 'get better'. If you stay you Suck. It. Up.

I agree with others. You need to leave. The way you speak here is pretty terrible, she is 11.

this situation sounds dreadful. Walk away.

@schpindy ?

To be brutal, you're not her stepmother. You're her father's girlfriend. How many girlfriends have already been in her short, chaotic life?

Personally, I'd step away. I get why you're struggling with her, but you're not a relative and it's just another dysfunctional relationship she has with an adult. It's blatantly obvious why she's disruptive

Absolutely @Justcallmebebes . You typed everything I was thinking. Poor kid.

You keep saying you have breakdowns and meltdowns over this. If that's true, you're not emotionally and mentally stable enough to effectively parent a traumatised child. You'll just be another trigger.

If you don't think you can be in a good place (and no one would blame you), then it's best for you(and everyone else involved)to break up with her dad .

Oh! I went with domestic abuser. Yours makes more sense.

You're in the wrong if you stay in this, why would you want this for your life? As much as I'm sure you have done for this child, she doesn't need an adult who's demonising her, she's traumatised.

I'd love yo hear what your poor children think of this mess you have dragged them into.

You need to end this relationship and seek support for yourself and leave that poor child to her father.