Lazy 17 year old

[cherrisus]

Any helpful tips to encourage a 17 year old to get out to work? Iv lightly encouraged my sd to work from age 16 but she alwasy said her mum wanted her to concentrate on school. I felt she was more than capable of both and a job would provide so much to her in ways of confidence and social skills which is what she lacks on for her age. She's no nearly 18 and rarely socialises, does not work and spends most of her time in her bedroom with blinds down (at both houses). She always seems to have small amount of money which I think she gets from her grandad. I find this frustrating a feel as tho if she didn't get any money from anyone would encourage her to go out and earn herself. There is no need when she is getting from grandad. Wev tried to tell her all the benefits of working an I know she would love the money and spending on her own things. She has got a place at uni for September and just don't kno how she'll cope with the long travel there on multiple buses and time she has to get up in morning. I'm looking for any positive stories that things turn out all right as at the moment I'm just not feeling hopeful about her abilities to manage in the real world now she has finished school.

Tbh you’re the stepmum rather than mum so will your words have any effect when the parents don’t seem to be bothered either way?

My kids worked in sixth form and it did them the world of good. They enjoyed their wages, a different routine to school and forced them to become more confident.

The multiple buses at (or to?) uni sounds like a shame. One of dd’s criteria for picking unis was ease of travel there and she picked a campus uni specifically because she’s not the biggest fan of public transport. She knows how to take it but when she’s at home she has a car which is obviously easier.

Why does she have to work though? She isn't putting her hand out to you for money. Ds1 never had a job, concentrated on school work that saw him ace his GCSEs and get 4 A stars at A level. The first year of uni holidays he had no job, just a lovely summer camping with friends, spending time with me and his sibling. Second year summer he did an internship for a company, underwent several rounds of vetting to get it and off the back of that was offered a graduate job which he starts in September. He had just finished his final year.

All other "holidays" aren't really holidays, year 11 sees them doing revision for mocks, Ds had both November mocks and February mocks both following half terms. Then Easter was all revision, May half term falls in the middle. Then they hit sixth form.

They have the rest of their lives to work so if she is happy not to work and have extra money to spend why rush it? The thing I would be looking at is that uni travel and getting experience of it now so it isn't a massive shock come September. It might be an incentive to learn to drive then she will need a job to fund that, the eye watering insurance and the petrol costs.

Yeah I feel the closer uni would be easier for her but I understand me and husbands thoughts on it are polar opposite to her mum which we accept and that's why we lightly put things to her knowing she is more likely to go with what her mum feels is best and that's frustrating but is the way it is.

I just feel a job would be massive to increase her confidence and nice to hear it worked for ur child and hope the same for sd.

Thanks for reply

It's mainly for her confidence I'd like to see her getting a job. She was much like me and my part time was the making of developing confidence and life skills which I'm really grateful for for wish the same for her. I just want her to no struggle in life but currently worry that she will now the change from high school is massively different to university life. Euch such a worry n wish had a crystal ball haha.

Thanx for reply

Would it help her if you offered to do that journey with her to uni? She might not be great with the unknown ie a job and can avoid it even if she wants a job but the uni commute is going to happen so help her do it and that might then boost her confidence.

In my first job I was 13 but had my big sister to tuck me under her wing there. I don't think I would have done it if I hadn't had her. That set me on a path of being able to do stuff for myself.

Thanx yes I will Definately do this when she knows where she has to go. Wer currently getting her driving lessons and have small amount for a 2nd hand car for her but she would need to pay for insurance/fuel/mot by herself which is catch 22 with the job thing so just want her to contribute what she can do she has these choices in life♥️

Just getting the licence helps, it's an achievement. She may or may not find parking at uni impossible, depends on the uni.

Don't wait for specifics for the uni, suggest you go and have a ride out there, buy her lunch, have a walk round, find department buildings. Lots of unis have self guided tours, some have apps you can download. Get proactive. Hopefully she'll go with you, either just the two of you or with her Dad too. My best friend is a step Mum. I know it can be hard to navigate. It is lovely you care.

Thank you for this. And a very nice comment at the end so that’s nice to hear as is so hard being a step mum and tryin to do th right thing by ur own values but no stepping on toes of parent and grandparents on the other side who are quite vocal about their thoughts on what me and dad say. At the end of the day we do and say things to try and help Her but it is never recognised so alwasy a frustrating thing. I will do this with her one day thru the summer and hope it helps a bit 😊

My DSS left school last year and it was a constant battle to get him to do anything. We felt like we were constantly having to push him to find a job. He'd get up at 2pm and go to the library to print off 10 CVs and that would be the total effort for that day. Then the following day he'd be up at 2pm and go and hand out 2 or 3 CVs. Bare minimal effort. My DH had stern words with him and he was also expected to help around the house and one of his chores was to do the dishwasher but when he wasn't getting up until the afternoon it was pointless because we'd have made breakfast and lunch by then and the dishwasher would still have been full from the night before. It took a serious amount of nagging and lectures to get to the point we are at now. He now works full time in a job my DH got for him through his work, and gets up at 5:30am to get to work each day since he doesn't drive. He has a provisional license, a block of lessons paid for him and DH has offered to give him lessons if he sorts the insurance. He's made zero effort to get driving. DH has been on his case for a while and explained how it will make his life easier. I told DH to stop wasting his energy as.

He is getting better but it's like teenagers these days just have a sheer lack of motivation to do anything. Both DH and I had jobs from age 13/14 and can't remember ever being this lazy.

I think while we should be guiding and supporting them they need to learn to do things for themselves or they'll never survive in the real world. At least your DSD is in full time education and actually doing something. If she's not asking you for hand outs I'd just leave her to it and pick your battles. She'll probably find when friends at uni are going on nights out or doing things and she can't afford to that she might want to get herself a job then. But if not then just let her be.

Thanks for this. I’m looking for as much reassurance as I can get. It’s beginning to irritate me just seeing her spend her days in her room. She eats very little so don’t even see the point in asking her to do dishes as majority of them are not hers. I could ask her to dust and hoover her room but also hate being ‘that’ stepmum when I don’t want to promote a house she might choose is easier for her not to come too because of higher expectation. On the other hand we pay her weekly driving lesson and give her lifts wen she does go out and do all the pick ups and drop offs from her mums so there’s bonuses with being at our house too. I know she would dust and hoover her room if I asked she just doesn’t do I of her own accord which I kno is unrealistic as I was the same at her age with cleaning n only comes as u get your own house I think. But I have been working since 16 and gave me a mass amount of confodence and freedom having my own money and that’s what I’d like to see for her. She has also got the bus down from her mums on occasions its more awkward to go for her and also because I’d like to see her start doing it. Not because I don’t want to pick her up but it’s just nice to see her get places by her own accord n think for herself. It’s finding the balance between what’s reasonable because every decision from this household feels as tho it’s criticised and made judgement on then makes me doubt myself and decisions and it’s mentally exhausting. Thank you for your reply and nice to hear abou ur ss as I need to hear these things that other kids have grown up and doing well and really hope it’s not too far away for my sd.

does anyone think that Covid has massively put these kids back in terms of what’s normal for socialising with friends and social situations? I feel my sd is like me but when I was age 14/15 and not 18. It’s like Covid has stole a few years from their lives as wen they were 14 and normally going outside to socialise and meet friends an hang about then they were all subject to being locked in the house and not even going to school so is this due to that?

Honestly, I'd just leave her to it. It doesn't sound like she's much hassle. People have teenagers who are taking drugs, out drinking all weekend or causing fights and drama at home. She'll probably come out her shell when she starts uni and she's forced to use public transport, mix with new people and become a bit more independent.

In terms of her room, don't give yourself unnecessary stress worrying about it. My DSS is expected to do his own washing including his bedding. He washes his bedding every couple of months and washing clothes very infrequently. Neither of which directly affect me so I do not care. He only gets asked to clean his room if the smell starts to seep into the hallway and DH will pull him up on hygiene if he thinks he needs it. Other than that, if he wants to live and sleep in his own filth then that's up to him.

DSS gets himself from A to B. We'll offer a lift occasionally but usually he just sorts himself out. We paid for a block of lessons for his birthday but won't be paying any extra ones since he works full time.

He does see friends most weekends and has his girlfriend over a couple of times a week but when he's not working he is usually in his room. I think that's quite common for teenagers. He can also survive on packet noodles and crisps some days.

Ok I will do this a know she cld be giving us a whole other worry wit being out too much. I suppose theyr never just perfect eh?!

thTs great ur ss is so independent and alwasy feels boys are a bit better with that way of life and getting themselves about. We never got her anything for her birthday last year (well, a small hamper of toiletries!) and said we’d just pay for her lessons until she’s passed. Instructors have been off the scale unreliable so she’s moving onto her 3rd. Don’t kno what’s going on with them since Covid but that’s another post. She’s so keen to be passed by September so I hope it all falls into place by then. Hubby also just spoke to her about the jobs I sent her. She swears she’s applying but only ever seems to apply to the ones I send her once iv looked🤦🏼‍♀️ so hopefully will all work out. Defo think the worries of them going into adulthood is wAaaaaay worse than wen theyr babies/toddlers!!!!! Honestly 🤭

Yes I think Covid did set a lot of these youngsters back socially.
Do you anyone who could give her a job? It's daunting for them. They send off loads of CVs online but get no replies.
Great that she is working on the driving though, she sounds like a typical teen of that age. She may well surprise you and be absolutely fine.
The summer is boring for them if they have nothing to do but worry about the future!

My first thoughts about your post, were, it's not your concern, but i can see from further posts, you come from a caring place about your SD.

Young people are so different with their individual attitudes to work.

When one of mine was 16, she looked for a job the day she got her GCSE results and got a job within a couple of weeks. She likes the finer things in life and knew she had to pay for them.

My other daughter, had no real desire to get a job, until she was going on holidays with her friends after their A levels, then she knew she'd need the money. I initially asked her to think about being a job, but she wasn't interested.

If your SD wants things that cost, then she'll be motivated to get a job.

Both went to university and had jobs at various stages, but the one who got a job later, was less inclined to work. She isn’t a fussy as her sister and doesn't buy as much, so she preferred to not work and focus on uni work.

We later discovered that's she's dyslexic and it takes her longer to process things as well. She struggles to be organised and had ADHD traits. I think this contributed to her not wanting a job, as she struggles to do more than one thing at a time..like work and study. Her room can be very tidy, then a terrible mess the next day.

Some of this may apply to your SD.

My sd was much the same, wouldn't get a job at all. No social skills, no friends spent every day in bed and when here because we made her get up moping around.
Painful! In the end I sent her a job and said that it was last chance. She did get it for the summer and now a levels are over has no plans at all and is back lying in bed at mums 24/7