Lost as a step parent

[ceSM23]

My partner has a couple of kids with their ex partner. I love them dearly, they are genuinely the sweetest kids you could meet. However, I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed and lost lately about my role in everything going on in my life. I feel my partner's ex wants to get back together and be a "family unit" which I know my partner doesn't want. But when I try to discuss it things turn emotional and they don't understand where I'm coming from. Am I wrong for feeling this way? It's excessive messaging/posting on socials about them and implying they're a family unit still. I don't know where I stand and how is best to approach the whole situation. I also know that my partner's parents aren't the biggest fan of me and definitely don't see me as a long term thing despite us being together for nearly 2 years. Any advice?

Hi from a fellow stepmum 👋

Blended families are fucking hard. I’m 4 years in and recently had the crashing realisation that nothing in my life will be as I thought it was. But all is not lost. The truth is they ARE a family unit, they always will be, and that’s ok. I’ve come to learn that a blended family isnt about throwing everyone in the same pot, mixing it up and labelling the whole thing as a new family.

Truth is there are actually FOUR families at play now: There’s the original family (mum dad and kids), there’s the family with just mum and kids, the family with just dad and the kids and finally the family which includes you, dad and the kids. If all 4 of these families are given attention and respected they are then free to thrive and overlap with each other in a healthy way.

Your role is to be a friend to the kids, maybe like an aunt, or a “cool” older cousin. Loving, caring etc but no parental responsibilities. His kids are not your kids and never will be. Dad should be responsible for all parenting responsibilities and decisions when kids are in your home. Your role is to support him as a loving partner. This is what has worked best for me anyway!

Some days I want to scream with frustration but ultimately I love my higgeldy piggeldy family and I’m grateful to live in a chaotic house full of love.
Hope this helps!!

Do you find it got easier as the years went on? While we're not "new", I'm definitely finding new struggles and challenges, especially with (what I perceive) as her hopefully becoming a couple and getting their family "back together". Or is being a stepmum just going to be a constant frustration that is also so rewarding?

What is she doing that makes you think she wants to get back together?

She's always messaged regarding the kids (totally fair and not what I'm referring to) however recently it feels like there's more excessive messaging to my partner, especially when it's her days? Constantly painting out on Instagram that they're still one family unit and posting pictures with my partner tagged multiple times a week. They seem silly when I write them down, but I am genuinely lost on how to deal with this.

They are a family unit. This I suppose is the problem of getting into a relationship with someone who has kids and a good relationship with their ex. Its probably not that common, and isn't the stereotypical set up. When we think split families and divorce we think warring families at minimum. This isn't pleasant for anyone, but probably in some ways, easier to deal with than the set up you are describing. You have to decide if you're comfortable with this set up, because frankly it's not for you to ask for it to change.

I come from the perspective of a separated mum who's ex has another relationship. We have worked hard to get to the place we are, where we are providing the best situation we can for our dd. Thankfully my ex is happy to continue as we were to a degree, where we have a decent level of communication and contact, despite this relationship.

My sister also has a child with a man who has an excellent relationship with his ex wife, to the extent they run a business together. My sister has been with him for a long time, since his child from this relationship with about 6 or 7. They are now in their 20s. It's not always been easy for her. Blended families have their own level of challenge. You have to be hardcore as the new partner in this situation, and feel a pretty high degree of confidence in yourself. Imo.

I'm a bio mum. We've been separated for years. I absolutely never wanted to get back together again. I also didn't want a new partner for lots of reasons.

I would often text pics or updates in the earlier years because there was not one other person who loved and cared for the kids like I did - apart from this one other person. I hated being alone with it - but I really didn't want to be with them again and vice versa.

It won't feel nice for you knowing the parents feel that way. I'd discuss that with him. You can also let him know how you feel about the level of communication with ex without being bitter or demanding of him. Just explain. I kind of understand if it's excessive that you feel pushed out and insecure. I think that's valid.
You don't sound like a horrible stepmum to me at all and I've seen some posts I struggle with on here.

Tell him how you feel. I think it is fair to ask for your feelings to be considered right now. If the Comms are excessive he could look at some small boundaries like just replying with a heart emoji to kids pics. That isn't rejecting to the ex but a bit more respectful possibly for you.

They seem silly when I write them down, but I am genuinely lost on how to deal with this.

If you trust your partner rather than her ability to “steal” him away, you rise above and ignore it.

If your partner has no interest in getting back together, he probably doesn’t appreciate you acting like he might go back to her because she’s sending him messages. He probably also doesn’t want to stoop to being the social media police.

If her social media upsets you, stop looking at it. Focus on the reality in front of you rather than his ex’s fantasy.

Some things get easier, some things get harder. Things get easier as you figure out routines and what works for you. Some things feel harder that I thought would get easier…like for my partner to say goodbye to his kid every fortnight, and having to “re-adjust” every fortnight when his kid is over for the weekend. Sometimes it feels like reopening the same wound over and over again and it does get exhausting.

What you said about the ex wanting to present as a family on Instagram doesn’t sound silly at all that you should be worried about it. My partners ex would never do that. They message each other about the kid and maintain a light hearted friendship. I accept that no one loves their kid more than they both do, and it’s nice for them to share that love and maintain a positive relationship for the sake of the kid. But there is a firm line that never gets crossed and my partner is always sensitive about my feelings, puts me first before his ex and always lets me see messages between them (even though I don’t ask or particularly need to know). Maybe your spidey senses are correct about her…alarm bells don’t ring for no reason.

This is a wild question but are you sure he’s not actually still with her? Have you met her? Have you met your partners parents?

I have met both her and my partners parents. My experience with her was a function for the kids school which she had previously messaged and invited me to under the guise of us "meeting because we will eventually and the kids want us both there". I introduced myself and she ignored me, continued to stare at me the whole time and got her friend/sibling? To stare as well. I've met my partners parents and his mother more than his dad has "mistakenly" said the wrong name however the dad corrected this. I do trust my partner wholeheartedly and know he isn't with her - outside of work and spending time with friends we're pretty much joined at the hip, but the insecurity is that she might paint a bad picture of me to the kids when I rearrange my life at the drop of a hat to suit her when she needs them looked after and both her and my partner are unavailable due to plans, work or illness.

It's far easier when both sides have new partners, my dp speaks to his ex and I know it's for the health or welfare of their dd not because their relationship isn't over. In fact she has remarried now.

There's ups and downs with blended families but if you can all work together for the good of the children and leave jealousy at the door, it can be a lovely experience. My dsd is a lovely young woman and she lives full time with me. She's even asked that if something happened to her dad before she moves out she can live with me!

That sounds like such a lovely relationship! I think my worry comes a bit from her previously lying about having a partner which my partner and I were pleased for her, however it turned out not to be true which has maybe highlighted my worries that perhaps this was to make him jealous?

My hope has always been we could work as a blended family for the sake of the kids however maybe it just isn't possible in every situation. Although I'm glad you have such a lovely relationship, it sounds like a lovely set up!

I disagree that they are a family unit. I am 5 years into this, I have DC, DH has DC. I don't consider myself a family unit with my ex-husband and he doesn't with his ex-wife. That doesn't mean we don't discuss significant parenting issues, we do, but we don't do anything together and we don't celebrate birthdays etc together. The family I had with ex-husband seized to exist when we split up, I'd never refer to him as family, my kids would think that was bloody weird too.

It's ridiculous that's she's trying to project a happy families image on social, but you can't prevent her doing that. She's making herself look stupid. Leave her to it.

If you and your partner are solid, then there's not much you can do.
Your partner can and should be managing the contact between them - the key thing being what is best for the kids?
Does he want to be tagged in everything? He could ask her to stop but it's probably best just ignored tbh.
Depends also on the age of the kids, once they're at high school contact with the ex parent should decline really as more of the arranging etc gets done via the kids.
His parents are being a bit rude. I'd go with a slight smile and head tilt next time his Mum gets your name wrong.

Does he want to be tagged in everything? He could ask her to stop but it's probably best just ignored tbh.

Can actually manage this quite easily on FB by turning on post/tag review or removing the tags yourself, if he's bothered that is.

Yeah I see what you mean. I guess I only meant they’re a family in the biological sense. And in a few rare instances like if (god forbid) one of them were seriously ill or experiencing some kind of emergency for example, they might band together at a time like that, and understandably so. But I agree that they’re not a family unit in the same sense as the other family units I described. And certainly shouldn’t be presenting publicly as such. X

For everyone saying that they are a family unit still. They are not. She’s a wingnut if she’s still doing this. It’s not right and put your boundaries in place now.