12yo behaviour

[tss2910]

Hi all. I’ve just been searching for somewhat help and I hope some of you can. Not sure if there are other threads related to same issue I’m having so here we go.

I’m 42 and have been living with my partner and her son (my stepson now) for 3 years. She is 47. The child father left when he was 4yo.

I’ll try to summarise this so people can hopefully understand and give me some light…

We are generally a very happy family and I have a lot of reasons to be happy, however the child’s behaviour is going from once my concern to a real worry..

In situations where he’s behaviour is out of line and I express it to him, he is starting to use derogatory words such as “you are gay, you like men at the gym, I wish you didn’t exist, you are stupid, idiot etc. as well as smash doors, kick things and scream in rage. This does not happen very often however when it happens it seems to get worse then previously.. He never swore at me and I never swore at him.

I’m struggling to deal with it as it does hit me really hard. I am trying hard not to let it get to my heart but I am struggling… to the point where I’m putting my walls up. Because I never imagined a 12yo son would call me these things. Not just because of the words but because in general he is very nice to me and he have a nice relationship. I’m trying to help him to understand principles and morals as well as respect me although I am not his biological father. My main concern it that if he does these things at 12, it could be worse as he gets older. Any advice I’ll appreciate.

What does mum do to support you in these situations? Have you spoken to your wife about how his actions are affecting you?

EG94, I do share to her what goes on and how I feel. She does tell him and try to impose boundaries etc… perhaps in different ways that I’d do if I was the biological parent. but it does not seem to make any effect. He doesn’t mistreat her at all. (Apart for shouting at times). I feel like giving up on trying to help him to understand what is wrong and right, swallow my pride and just let him learn as life goes.. it’s frustrating and I often feel I’m not good enough and he’d better off without me to be honest.

Sounds like fairly common behaviour to me, I think it is something you just have to take the high road on.

maybe have a chat with him about gay being an insult. See if he really has something against homosexuals. Chances are he is just saying it without thinking about the word itself

It does sound mostly normal early teen behaviour if a little extreme. I think you should focus on why you said that you mostly have a good relationship with him and see the behaviour he's expressing as communication. Wait till he calms down and try to find out what triggers it maybe it's something you can work on together to change. Plan B by Ross Greene is a really good book for dealing with behaviour like this.

But you should take a hard line in the homophobic slurs. That does need addressing.

He might just be testing boundaries with you to see if you'll leave him like his bio dad did. He obviously doesn't have the same worry with his mum so maybe that's why it's not aimed at her. 3 years is still relatively short but long enough for him to have a bond with you and maybe he's worried you'll leave him too so he pushes and pushes to test you.

I’ve expressed to him that the use or words are out of line, when he is frustrated and when he is calm. He seems to understand but when the pattern repeats (or gets worse) I feel that my input is irrelevant and maybe he’ll never hear me as a dad that wants the best for him. Although he apologises sometimes, he does the same so I feel he has no remorse really. It’s hard to explain because I do get emotional.

sometimes I feel he’d probably not do this to his bio dad so why does he do it to me and it makes me feel unworthy of been a dad and like I wish I came to his life earlier. We don’t have any other children just him.

Some of the behaviour can be typical for that age (calling people gay, etc) but the kicking and smashing doors, etc is extreme.

Does your partner set punishments (restricting treats, gaming, etc) when he behaves like this or just ‘have a word’?

I agree he will be testing you to see what he can get away with, hence why he won’t speak to his mum like that.

It could be that since he’s started high school something has been said about his dad not being around, or it could just be something he’s thinking about as he’s getting older and questioning why he doesn’t bother with him.

I think a gentle chat to see if there’s something going on first and offer reassurance that you’re a family and you care about him (and maybe try to do an activity with him, just the two of you), but then if his behaviour continues his mum needs to set firm boundaries to address his behaviour

Just because his dad has been split up from his mum a long time doesn't mean he is over that.

Quite often children process things at different times and now as a teen he is pushing boundaries and asserting himself as normal in puberty but with the added level that his dad left and he takes that anger and frustration out on you because you are a safe person.

He probably wouldn't do that to you if you were his dad as then he wouldn't have the trauma of being left, a period of time with no dad and then a new guy coming into his space no matter how nice you are. He is pushing you to see if you'll leave too and if you get emotional then he is getting a reaction.

What do you mean by emotional - crying, angry, shouting? What reaction are you giving him.

You sound like a really loving step dad so please don’t put your walls up. The hormones are kicking in and he’s testing his boundaries with you. it will pass.

Could you and you wife agree a joint approach to parenting this behaviour?