Boundaries

[WhereDoIFitIn]

I am the spouse of partner that has a child. I came into the picture a few years after the loss of his wife. The child is now 21. We work our entire lives around her and her live in best friend. We drive them to and from work, she does online school. There is never time for us. My spouse always said from 10 years ago when they move out we'll have time for us. They don't do chores, expect dinner, and then weekends shuffling them back and forth to malls, stores, McDonalds. My spouse and I have not been on a retreat weekend EVER in 10 years. They don't want licenses or participate in household chores. When is enough, enough? My spouse gets upset when I bring it up. How can I bring it up without him thinking I'm overreacting.

Your spouse has no intention of this stopping and I get that she’s suffered a major loss in her life but he’s doing her no favours.
It looks like it’s a them or you situation. In your shoes, I’d be moving on as this isn’t going to stop.

Thank you, that's pretty much where am at. I anticipated this response. Just sad, thank you.

"The child is 21"

There's the first problem. She's not a child, not even a teenager. She's an adult.

I don't think your partner has any intention in stopping this and she will probably never move out. Why would she when she's waited on hand and foot?

Completely ridiculous that you can't have a holiday or weekend away. She's 21!! Surely she can manage on her own for a week or 2. Time to find someone who will actually put you first.

Thank you for understanding that she is 21! I thought I was out of line for thinking she is fully capable of handling herself and she's not he's not doing her any favors and missed something raising her. She needs to learn to be independent at least a little.

Either the 21 has significant underlying issues or damage due to their upbringing. No healthy 21 wants to live like this. Either way it would completely put me off a parent who has allowed an adult to be raised this way.

Agree with others. Leave them to it. Give yourself the chance to go places, meet someone amazing or at the very least have freedom to do what you want, when you want. He won't change and will fight it every step of the way if you try to lay down some boundaries. I would be separating and moving out. I certainly wouldn't be revolving my life around my partners twenty-one year old. * *

I moved out 2 years ago hoping something would change. He wants to be together but wants me to wait for who knows how long. We've been together 10 years. I've wasted far too much time hoping it will change. I just gotta tell him now/

Keep living your life. Travel, socialise and do your own thing. If he wants to spend his life being a general dogsbody, leave him to it.

He's not helping his daughter to become a fully functioning adult.

Definitely move on.
Unfortunately you have wasted your time believing him.
He has zero intention of changing.
Well done in having moved out at least.
Don't waste a minute more.

Thank you for all the feedback everyone. I have not had the break up conversation with him yet but I don't waste time thinking about it either. I don't even thing it warrants a conversation at this point, I just don't spend time thinking about it. Living my own life and not waiting him.

And when she has a dc he will likely still be at her beck and call. If not more so.

What is a DC?

Darling child.

Oh, dear. Cut your losses. He clearly hasn't done a thing in the past 10 years to teach his child to become an independent adult. It's too little, too late to start now (though by the sounds of it, he isn't even willing to start now!)

Nothing will change. Leave.

I know, I know. I asked him to take a vacation in 6 months and he acted like I was crazy. I said I would pay let's just get away for a long weekend. He acted like I was asking him to leave right then. He's said he couldn't know what would be happening in 6 months. Yes, I do actually, I'm going on vacation...without you. I live separately. I don't know why I think he's changing, he's not. I need to just shut the door on that chapter. I appreciate the feedback.

I have dc similar age. It’s good to support your child, but there’s a limit. At 21, I would expect a degree of independence, and I wouldn’t be living my lives around them. For example, they should be able to cook their own meal, not dictate your movements etc, and you should be able to plan a weekend.

What am I reading? He's either infantilising her or acting as her doormat or a co-dependent combination of both.

What's the deal with the 'live-in best friend'? Is it her boyfriend? Do they contribute financially?

I would walk away without a backwards glance. If he's like this with her at 21 then he won't change. Don't wait. Live the life you deserve.

I don't like to feel like I'm judging how their relationship works or her own behavior. I would LOVE to see a little ambition on her side. Just cooking her own meal or study to get DL would be a miracle. I understand helping your child but enabling them can have negative consequences too. I want her to be able to handle the world and be self sufficient. Alas, that's a dream, so here we are. :)

I wouldn't waste time trying to understand this - it's so far from what is possible for a person of this age without any underlying issues.

Focus on your relationship - look at the value your DP adds to your life and the things you find it hard to live with. I suspect you know which list will be longer. 😞