Teenager boundaries

[frankiefis]

Looking for some kind 🙏 advice on 14 yo dsd boundaries.

We have a situation in that the bio mum displays poor decisions regarding safeguarding of the children.

Currently the main issue is with the 14 yo girl. Boys allowed home alone with her unsupervised in bio mums house. Left until early hours while bio mum is on a night out.

If bio father tries to discipline eg. won't allow daughter out to see her friends that night due to a rule being broken earlier that day (eg. She knocks phone off/ignores when she's late coming home) then daughter goes to her bio mum's and won't return until her bio dad has 'learned his lesson' (in daughter's words).

I am at a loss as how to help. I have suggested a few things like family meetings about boundaries so everyone is clear of consequences and what is expected of them, which imo is very little expectations - basically be contactable when out, boyfriends in common areas only or with doors open if in bedroom briefly.

Are we being unreasonable? In the last year she's grown up frighteningly quickly, she looks 17 despite only turning 14 and is very popular with boys, full make up, gel nails and false eyelashes every day for school. It just seems a bit much 🤷‍♀️

She’s not growing up frighteningly quickly - she just sounds like a normal teenage girl. Pick your battles wisely. Nails and lashes aren’t things to get worked up about. The difference in DD between 14 and 15 was really quite astounding, she practically went from a little girl to a young woman overnight but that’s hormones for you!

Sadly you can't. Not in this situation.

All you can do is model good behaviour,values and interests. Broaden her interests and views rather than dismissing/criticising hers. Show her she is loved,valued and respected and hopefully that will stick and she'll grow out of it without too much drama and heartache.

Keep the boundaries, the really important ones.

Wanted to reply as in a very similar situation. I'm afraid I don't have any real pearls of wisdom but I do understand how difficult it is. DH has two daughters (just turned 14 and 11) from first marriage and we've been together 8 years. DH and his ex have very different parenting styles. When they disagree on something, DH has tried to instigate a conversation but his ex has refused to talk and said what she chooses to do is up to her. Ok, fair enough. DH carries on parenting the way he feels comfortable with. But this doesn't always have a happy outcome. We have had the same boyfriend situation to navigate with DSD14 as well as a difference of opinion on whether or not phones/social media needs to be checked occasionally. DH thinks yes, his ex says no not at all. DSD14 has also gone for a few weeks at a time without coming round when she's been annoyed at a boundary she feels she doesn't like. Last time she sent a curt text saying "I don't see why I should see you when you are stressing me out". This was when DH had said phone needed to be left downstairs overnight when he realised she'd been on it consistently in the early hours on a school night. It's hard.

I do agree with picking battles. Some of the smaller stuff is really not worth worrying too much about.

Thanks for replies so far, we don't mention the make up etc unless something goes wrong and she takes time off school - which is when it crosses the line in our opinion. Other things we let go unless it's a safety concern.

It's good to have some solidarity thank you @greysnug.

Seeing the replies make me think there is actually nothing we can do other than continue to love her, and gently stick to our boundaries but it's pretty heartbreaking when she chooses to stay away, we just try to guide her to become a well balanced, happy, nice woman 💔

You can't she is 14 and one parents view of what is appropriate doesn't over rule the other. So park that as an idea.

What you can do is work on supporting her to make good choices or less risky ones. So enforce where you see her advocating for herself even if it is something you prefer her not to.

Focus on is her capacity to recognise her own choices. Then her confidence and assertiveness. Together these skills will support her in making good choices.

Not to burst your bubble but your house rules won't impact one iota if a teen has an idea. They will simply find a way. So every parent/step parent needs to give tools to support teens because the 24 hour supervision isn't possible.

Could you talk to her woman to woman about her own safety? She is probably getting some confidence or validation from the male attention and I always think this is risky as it can lead to poor choices.

It may come across better from you as advice rather than discipline from dad.

This is an issue as she won't stay with us just now, but that is the way forward if I can manage it thank you for that advice.