What to say to young DSC

[pansypotteratemyheartout]

I have a DSC in KS1 that has never known their parents together or a life without me as SM.

They’ve started asking a lot of questions about why they live across two homes, why they can’t they choose who to live with, why we don’t all live in a big house together, etc.

It’s very hard to know what to say. We don’t really feel they’re old enough to discuss adult relationships and consequent breakdowns. Obviously, their dad would love for them to live with him full time. Contact is court ordered, but we can’t really mention that either.

What have other people done in this scenario?

TIA

Should have said, there’s a distance between homes which makes contact trickier.

We had this and on both sides it was said that mummy and daddy loved DSC a lot but they stopped loving each other so live in separate homes now and families come in all shapes and sizes: waffle the dog shows a nice representation of a different type of family and usborne books have a nice book about different family set ups which you could make use of. It’s also ok to say that to decide where DSC lived mum and dad couldn’t decide so they asked a judge to help them decide. I know it feels like they’re too little but it’s always best to tell the truth but a more simplistic version so that you can build on otherwise later on they feel you weren’t honest

I think it's best to be factual and to the point really, mummy and daddy don't live together so you have two homes. You mostly live with mummy because that's what was decided as being best for you. You can't live here full time as you live with mummy mostly and you are near your school and friends. The more natural the conversation is the better.

What does the mum and dad say to them, surely it's not your place to say anything.

Thanks to the two helpful replies, we have done this but get a lot of “why?”

Do we keep it more blunt and sort of say, we know it’s confusing but it’s how it is and things will make more sense as they get older. Children don’t need to know everything right away, the most important thing is that you’re loved and care for.

@helloene
My OP doesn’t request a critique of our family dynamic.

But what if the kid asks the step-parent? My DSD has asked me these questions before when my DH hasn't been around. It's good to agree on how these questions will be answered rather than say "you have to ask your dad that".

@helloene because as a step parent you are actually part of parenting a child whether people like to accept that or not.

OP I think when you’re asked why you can say that sometimes adults do stop loving each other that when people aren’t together any more they don’t want to live together and offer those things as facts of life really. My own DC have asked those questions about their half siblings and I tend to say it that way and how it means they have extra people who love them and Then move the subject on

Any specific why? It might point to an unresolved need, like maybe they're worried that parents can stop loving someone and that might extend to them. I talked to the kids about how its a different kind of love to your kids and that bond can't be broken. You can talk to them about how love still connects them all even when they're physically apart. They might be worried that they'll lose the relationship with you, or another step parent if there is one.

If its a why about contact arrangements Id say that a judge decided that was what was best for them. You can say you don't know why he made that particular decision the way he did, but that it was up to him because everyone wanted to see them so much someone else had to decide.

If they keep asking over and over though Id probably treat it like any other why question they won't let drop, give a quick answer and move them on to something else. Sometimes things just are what they are and there's no satisfactory answer.

As for the rude comment by PP some people on MN think you're asking for it just by being a SM.

What does the mum and dad say to them, surely it's not your place to say anything.

In fairness, without any snotty subtext, it probably would help to know this. Ideally you want them to be getting the same story across both houses, otherwise it'll be more confusing. Can your DH discuss with exDW to see what she is telling DC?

I guess there isn't an answer to every 'why?' Every answer can lead to another question. Children need help to learn that grown ups are just people trying to do their best and sometimes that's all there is and things don't work out as we planned but they are loved and everyone wants the best. You could ask them what they think about things and empathise and not expect to have an answer for them.

I think any SP should direct the child to their parent. I don't is an answer, "Ask Daddy"

You weren't in the relationship with the parents and not part of the decisions made.

This isn't a critique of your family dynamics.

My DSD would often ask me questions. I think it's maybe a conversation that you need to have with your partner so that you're in agreement for an age appropriate and truthful way to answer.
Your DSC is asking perfectly reasonable questions. Don't shy away from talking.

I think in some situations, if you have a good relationship with your SC, the step parent can be seen as a more neutral person to ask difficult questions.

I would say you'll have to ask your parents about that because let's face it I very much doubt you've got the same story anyway there's always his side, her side and then the truth and you're bound to have only got his side. (The one he wants you to have)

I don't always think it's appropriate to tell them the whole truth, especially if they're younger.

"Sometimes people just aren't friends any more". Covers all bases and kids can relate to that as there will be kids in class etc who they don't get on with.

Mum and dad need to deal with this really, but there might be a reason why child is asking SM and not them.

Have you asked why they are asking?

Even though child may not have known parents together, there comes a time when they realise that their situation is unusual or different and need to make sense of that and understand what happened and why they live with someone always missing.

Thank you all for your replies.

The tricky question isn’t really why DSC doesn’t live with both parents but why they live with mum instead of dad, and why they can’t switch to live with dad rather than mum.

I’m reluctant to introduce the idea of parents not getting on, court, etc. Even if we did say that a judge helped decide, DSC will just say that they’re not a baby anymore.

It’s very hard to give a satisfactory answer which is what makes me lean towards this “it’s just the way it is” approach.

Why not just say the school near their mum's was the better school.

@Illpickthatup
Our DC will be going to the school near us. I don’t really want to introduce the idea of one child having something better than the other