OH‘s ex started screaming at him in the street

[Usernameabcdwxyz]

I‘m looking for some advice on how to handle things with my OH‘s children, feeling lost because they aren’t mine but I do care for them and even more after what happened yesterday evening.
We had all agreed to meet up in a certain place to watch some fireworks and then we were taking the children home as they wanted to do something with their dad today.
Ex did not come to the agreed place with the children. We watched the fireworks alone. When they were finished, there were lots of messages from his ex. She was going back to her car and would meet us there. Then she said she wasn’t, she was in this place. So we went there. She wasn’t there.
Then she came walking towards us with her BF. Eldest runs to my OH, big smile on her face. Little one is in BF‘s arms half asleep. Her BF passes the little one to my OH.
Then it started, ex starts screaming at my OH. Where we you, I’m taking the children home, they aren’t going with you and lots of other things. OH asked her to stop, said there was no need for this, that he wasn’t going to fight. He stayed very calm. She continued, right up in his face, pointing her finger in his face, screaming (he has the little one on his shoulder)
She is 5 months pregnant with the BF she has known for 9 months. (Needs to have a baby so she doesn’t need to find a job when the youngest starts school this August).
The eldest then put her fingers in her ears and walked off. My OH said look your daughter has put her fingers in her ears, please stop. Answer was I don’t give a fuck.
Eldest starts to cry and sits on a shop windowsill on her own.
I hope I did the right thing, I went over to her and tried to distract her. I asked her if she’d like to see my dog today and if I should make some pancakes like last weekend.
When we were going back to the cars, the eldest walked with me for a little bit while her mum and BF walked ahead. Then her mum demanded that she went to her.
I don’t know if it was correct to go and distract or if I should have just left it. What would you have done? My OH couldn’t do anything as he was being screamed at.

You were just comforting her, you did right.

Wrll she thought you was all meeting at one place and you wasn’t there, you think the same, so where did that go wrong? Why did she think you was meeting in a different place, what was the conversation?

With regards to the daughter you did the right thing, but you need to seriously consider if you want this life and is the man is worth it? Because there will be more to come, do you want to get tangled up in this?

I personally wouldn’t, and would deem the relationship incompatible, I’d want more of a peaceful life and to be with someone who can co parent successfully with their ex.

She didn’t think we were meeting in a different place. She said she couldn’t be bothered going to where we were.
I believe the mobile network was also overloaded with so many people there and it is possible that messages didn’t go through. I tried to send my DD a video of the fireworks and it didn’t go through.
But she had acknowledged the message from OH and said she would meet us there.
There was no need to scream in front of the children. It could have been handled so differently.

Poor kids. You did the right thing and were kind to daughter.
She sounds batshit !

I‘ve heard her on the phone talking this way. Never thought I’d see it in person in front of the children. Her BF just stands there completely gormless and then gets shouted at to come with her.

I‘ve been with him for almost 3 years. Have only started spending time with the children over the last month. He wants to co-parent successfully, he doesn’t start fights with her. I think he’s worth it. He would like the children full time and I would support him with that.

You're never going to be able to co-parent with someone like this. They should parallel parent. He should not agree to meet her at any event again and stop talking to her on the phone. Cut communication to the bare minimum and avoid meeting face to face.

My DHs ex is a high conflict psycho but he has reduced the impact she has on our lives by reducing communication to only absolutely necessary. Ignoring phonecalls and messages that do not require a response.

Do they have a parenting plan in place or a court order? If not, I suggest he arranges that to take away any arguments about contact with the children.

Sorry to completely miss the point of this thread, but Fireworks? In the summer? Are you not in the UK?

Totally agree with @Illpickthatup No point trying to get someone like this to see sense.

We are not in the UK. They have a parenting plan is place for contact. It normally goes well. He had blocked her for a month on WhatsApp and things were calmer. She only called if she really needed to about the children and he could contact the eldest (she has a mobile for this reason only). He unblocked her last week and she was on the phone all the time asking for help with things at home and her car. He refused this.
She shows quite typical narcissistic behaviour. It’s all about her and her having control.
We took the opportunity that we were in the same place to have a handover with the children rather than going at 7:30 this morning to get them from home.
I think he should block her again but we will see how the week goes.
We all had a nice day today and that’s what is important.
They will never see me and their father behaving that way no matter what.

All you can do is model good behaviour for them. You can control how she behaves and the kids will see the difference.

It sounds like you give her an inch and she takes a mile. I agree that she needs to be blocked again.

OP that’s great that you say
They will never see me and their father behaving that way no matter what.

you 100% did the right thing, I would have done that too I would like think

poor kids with a mother so emotional illiterate and volatile. But you are obviously kind and level headed, and your partner does well to keep calm in such heated situation such as this. This is good for the kids and gives them a secure foundation which they will gravitate towards more and more as they get older and can make their own choices about where to spend their time more freely. You’re stronger than you know OP and obviously put the kids first, they won’t forget this!

would agree with keeping contact with the X to a bare minimum to reduce the drama.

My SC’s mother is a classic narcissist. Controlling, thinks she is the superior parent and very angry and volatile.

My now husband and her have been divorced for over 11 years and it does not get any better and never will. Once you realise this and the fact that you can’t control her, you can only control how you respond things become a lot easier.

You can not deal with these people like normal, rational people.

I have seen her only twice in 9 years. The first time was about 8 years ago - she walking down the street with the children (who were about 10 & 6 at the time) she was screaming the F word as she had seen the kids dad.

The 2nd time was 3 years ago (so they had been divorced over 8 years). She didn’t like how dad had punished a kid for some bad behaviour (a phone was removed for a dat(. She turned up in our door step screaming and was very aggressive. The police had to be called & she was removed and given a police caution.

My OH has it written into their contact order that she is only allowed to contact him via email - her phone calls & text messages (rants) were so abusive.

We have never badmouthed the mum or said anything bad about her in front of the kids (it’s been hard as she is completely bar shit). We have always modelled good behaviour.

Read up about ‘the grey rock method’ only answer very factually and never ever give fuel to get fire.

Good luck. It’s hard, but once you learn to ignore their batshit behaviour it will save your mental health.

Thanks everyone. I am a mum myself but mine is an adult now so just feeling insecure with younger children that also speak a language that is my third language.
His ex is much younger than us, very immature.
She started again with the messages and he’s only replying if they are directly to do with the children.
All I can do is be there to support the 3 of them. My OH and I have the same views on parenting- he often asks my advice because I’ve done it already.

You sound lovely OP! I’m sure your DSC was pleased you were there to comfort her. Hopefully you’ll be able to carry being a calming influence.

We must be good for them. Ex contacted OH yesterday, “the children are pestering me to see you again and I’m fed up with it so will you pick them up tomorrow and take them for the weekend”.
We have had to cancel somethings we had planned but I think they are worth it. Pity they can’t choose where they want to live until they are 12.

How inconvenient for her that the children would like to see their own dad and she is ‘allowing’ it.

Bide your time - when the children are old enough they will start to figure this out.