To give her the full money or not?

[herewegogogox]

written for advice for my husband … my DSD is 15 (DH daughter) we’ve been together since she was 5, always had a good relationship, last few years she’s pulled away from us, going out with friends more & at 14 decided she didn’t want to stay here anymore even though we live around the corner from her school & closer to friends.. she didn’t like DH rules, no vaping, phones off at a certain time etc which she can do at her Mums… it was decided to not cause too much upset & with her age (no point forcing her) that instead of sleeping she would walk around from school at least once a week even if its just for an hour to see her Dad… at first she did then it went weeks and weeks, my husband has offered to take her out, give her lifts here & there but she always turns it down ….

anyway, she appeared at our house a few weeks ago which was lovely we miss her! But she had an incentive… shes asked us to give her £60 for the school holidays, promised she will call in every week even if it’s just a quick hello ….

that was april, shes called once since! She’s admittedly had no plans but just hasn’t called in…. We get her favourite meals in when she wants her snacks etc we don’t lecture her i just don’t get it? she worked out it would be a set amount a week i think it was £5 & that everytime she came it would be £5 added to the pot to eventually get to £60 in the holidays.

it feels a bit blackmaily but it was her idea.. yet she’s not following it?

what would you do?? Still give her the full amount or deduct the days shes not been?

FYI husband sends extra maintenance to mum for spending money for her via bank & helps with trips, uniform etc so this £60 is apparently for lashes & nails 🙈

If she wants more pocket money at this age tell her to get a part time job. It will keep her out of trouble over the summer and she can buy as many manicures as she likes. DD started her summer jobs last year she's 16 almost 17 and her and her friend both work quite a bit keeps them occupied.

It's simple

no visits = no money for these visits

and as for vaping - it's illegal, she's 3 years under the allowed age.

Does he give her any pocket money? £5 a week isn’t a huge amount. And it’s sensible that she wants to save it up for the holidays. He should encourage saving behaviour even though he doesn’t agree what she’s saving up for.
I’d detach the pocket money from the visits and just pay her a set rate. I also wouldn’t make all visits McDonald’s/cinema/Alton Towers.

I think that he should have a grown up chat with her about how he misses spending time with her and could she agree with some minimal level of time at your house. She’s at the age when autonomy over her own life is really important but she’s also old enough to understand other peoples feelings matter.

If she really doesn’t want to dedicate any time to her relationship with him he should just make it clear that the door is open and he really wants to see her. Eventually she’ll reach the maturity level where she’ll understand.

Tough love is often the way to make them see the error of their ways.

Would I give a 15yo girl £60 and have no idea what she spends it on? Not a chance.

I'd want to see the nails and the lashes.

As for vaping, no, she's too young and it's an unknown quantity. If she's buying cheap street vapes (which she probably is at her age), they are not safe.

If I was your dh I'd offer to take her and a friend to Alton Towers or wherever. I'd maybe buy her vouchers for her favourite shops, or take her and a friend shopping instead.

Thank you all for your advice & time!

will put all this to DH & he will take it from there xx

Paying a child every time he or she visits can be so damaging to the relationship. I would separate out giving her fun money from seeing her dad.

My PIL gave all their grandchildren money whenever they visited. The inevitable consequence was the children clamoured to go there, ran straight to their piggy banks, had sod all other interest in being there.

The other grandparents of both sets of cousins didn’t offer money at all. They went to the park, got ice creams, played board games, watched films together, played mini golf and so on.

The children loved going there, had so much fun and built a great relationship with their grandparents.

There was no reason PIL couldn’t have done those things as well, but the dynamic of visit=cash was set and it undermined any other interaction.

15yo teens have wants that outstrip their pockets. That’s natural. Your DH should set an amount he’s comfortable giving her.

As long as he links that amount to her visits, she will only ever see him because he pays her, not because they have a relationship.

From your updates OP it doesn’t sound like he actually agreed to give her £60 if she visits. She’s been a typical teenager and found a novel way of getting £60. I think he can get away with saying that he has been spending it as she hasn’t been there for him to give it to her.

His rules are very reasonable and I don’t think he should change them. It is such a shame that DSD’s mum has such a relaxed parenting style as it isn’t going to teach her daughter anything.

She’s a typical teenager and at that age they are selfish and self absorbed. The only thing he can do is to keep offering to spend time with her and hope that she matures as another pp said.

It’s all well and good having a Disney parent when you are a teenager but when kids get older they need a stable sensible parent to keep them on the right path. Am sure thing will change for the better as time passes

I was about to write the same. Love can’t be bought, and just because she doesn’t come by doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her dad, she is just a typical teen.
Continue welcoming her with open arms, she will come around eventually.

How often did he see her before she started pulling away? How often did he spend 1 on 1 time with her? How did she react to her half sister in the first few years after she wars born? It would be unusual for someone to go from a solid relationship to what you are describing.