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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

To give her the full money or not?

35 replies

herewegogogox · 31/05/2024 12:40

written for advice for my husband … my DSD is 15 (DH daughter) we’ve been together since she was 5, always had a good relationship, last few years she’s pulled away from us, going out with friends more & at 14 decided she didn’t want to stay here anymore even though we live around the corner from her school & closer to friends.. she didn’t like DH rules, no vaping, phones off at a certain time etc which she can do at her Mums… it was decided to not cause too much upset & with her age (no point forcing her) that instead of sleeping she would walk around from school at least once a week even if its just for an hour to see her Dad… at first she did then it went weeks and weeks, my husband has offered to take her out, give her lifts here & there but she always turns it down ….

anyway, she appeared at our house a few weeks ago which was lovely we miss her! But she had an incentive… shes asked us to give her £60 for the school holidays, promised she will call in every week even if it’s just a quick hello ….

that was april, shes called once since! She’s admittedly had no plans but just hasn’t called in…. We get her favourite meals in when she wants her snacks etc we don’t lecture her i just don’t get it? she worked out it would be a set amount a week i think it was £5 & that everytime she came it would be £5 added to the pot to eventually get to £60 in the holidays.

it feels a bit blackmaily but it was her idea.. yet she’s not following it?

what would you do?? Still give her the full amount or deduct the days shes not been?

FYI husband sends extra maintenance to mum for spending money for her via bank & helps with trips, uniform etc so this £60 is apparently for lashes & nails 🙈

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

User1979289 · 31/05/2024 12:47

No, I would not give a 15 yo money for lashes and nails. It is up to your DH what he gives his 15yo DD surely?

Original poster

herewegogogox · 31/05/2024 12:51

@User1979289 yes thats why it says written for advice for my Husband at the top as he’s asking, not me ….

& yes I don’t agree with lashes & nails for 15 year old but not my child

OP posts:

Sunlightatlast · 31/05/2024 12:55

I don't think effectively paying her to come and see you is a good idea. I think you need to completely separate any money you give her, from whether you are seeing her.

Is there anything she and your DH like to do together? I think he needs to be proactive, and arrange to take her out somewhere, even if its just once every couple of weeks. It is normal for DC to pull away from their parents at this age, but I think if he wants a relationship with her as an adult, he needs to make the effort to keep some sort of connection going now rather than waiting for her to come to him.

Original poster

herewegogogox · 31/05/2024 12:56

@Sunlightatlast i share a similar view, it feels very black mail… i think its desperation on his part.

he calls her a few times a week, offers her lifts, mcdonalds etc but it’s all turned away … with no clear reason.

OP posts:

DaisyChain505 · 31/05/2024 12:57

No you shouldn’t be paying her to visit.

Original poster

herewegogogox · 31/05/2024 13:01

@DaisyChain505 i think the way it was drawn up is everytime she called her Dad usually gives her some change for the shop… if she doesn’t call in she doesn’t get the change obviously… as its just what he gives her on the off chance … so she said save those money you give me when I call in & give it at the beginning of the holidays…

OP posts:

Original poster

herewegogogox · 31/05/2024 13:02

It was her who worked out it would equate to £60

OP posts:

Sunlightatlast · 31/05/2024 13:03

Has he asked her directly what the issue is? It does sound tough for him, but I think he just needs to hang in there, and keep the lines of communication open, without hassling her too much. Hopefully in time she will come round.

Original poster

herewegogogox · 31/05/2024 13:04

@Sunlightatlast its the rules.. she views her Dad as strict .. mum & dad have a poor relationship with very different parenting styles which hasn’t helped …

OP posts:

TheIceQween · 31/05/2024 13:09

I think if he said no to the money, or gave her less than 60, it might push her even further back. I think £60is a small price to pay to have your daughter on side. She’s naturally at that age that she will drift slightly, but it won’t be forever. He needs to keep the relationship and not strain it 💕

Original poster

herewegogogox · 31/05/2024 13:11

@TheIceQween i totally agree.. his view is she’s not kept her end of the deal

OP posts:

caringcarer · 31/05/2024 13:14

He shouldn't be bringing his DD to visit him. I wouldn't pay my DC to visit me. That said as he agreed to £5 per visit I'd give he that exactly. Count the visits she's made and give her £5 for each one as that was what he agreed to. If she's only visited twice that would be £10. She had chance of £50 but chose not to maximise to this amount. Her Dad should offer to take her somewhere nicer than McDonald's imo.

Original poster

herewegogogox · 31/05/2024 13:18

@caringcarer she loves mcdonalds its usually way to her heart haha! They’ve been alton towers twice!

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Balloonhearts · 31/05/2024 13:20

🤣😂🤣 Not a chance!

Tell me she's 15 without telling me she's 15.

I'd not be paying her to visit at all, the little chancer. I suppose it's quite enterprising of her though.

Mockingjay123 · 31/05/2024 13:20

No I wouldn’t give her the whole amount but I wouldn’t have agreed to that plan in the first place.

RedHelenB · 31/05/2024 13:26

Maybe he needs to consider relaxing the rules a bit?

Tel12 · 31/05/2024 13:28

No I definitely wouldn't pay her to come over and as for paying her to come when she doesn't turn up??? TBH if this keeps up you'll be paying her £10, £20 and then what? I personally would give her what you have agreed for the times she has come over then stop. Ask her over for dinner, cinema, weekend away or whatever and leave it up to her if she wants to see you. I think that if you have to buy her then it's really not worth it, feels wrong. Hopefully when she matures she will be able to have a better relationship with you both

Original poster

herewegogogox · 31/05/2024 13:29

@RedHelenB there are no rules to adhere to here as she doesn’t sleep anymore so the having phone late is not an issue

the only things to relax would be allowing her to vape in our home & skipping school ..not a chance

OP posts:

Original poster

herewegogogox · 31/05/2024 13:31

I think the relationship breakdown has occurred on a whole due to different parenting & lack of communication through parents

(my opinion from an outside prospective)

OP posts:

Beautifulbythebay · 31/05/2024 13:31

When she is older she wil use against him the fact he paid to see her..

Step away op's dh...
When my ds went nc because I didn't allow drink and drugs at 14 he got not a penny off me. He came back a year later having massively seen the error of his ways.. And turned his life around.

negomi90 · 31/05/2024 13:32

Your DH needs to have a think about his values.
She won't come because he's too strict and that's destroying their relationship. He needs to decide if the rules are worth loosing his daughter over.

Please note: I'm not saying her mum is right or he's wrong about his rules. I'm saying that from her point of view she's got one set of rules which she's comfortable with and one parent who's unreasonably (in her view) strict. Why would she want to be with him?
He can't change mum's rules, mum won't work with him. All he can do is think about his own priorities.
If she's going to vape at mum's where she is most of the time, then is banning it at his going to do anything productive? She's doing it anyway. If its a safety with other children or second hand smoke issue then have that discussion about where to store it and where she can use it.
The phone thing, again is it worth risking the relationship over? Sensible rules like no phones at the dinner table vs banning at certain times.

I'm not saying any of this is fair to your DH, but he needs to think about what he has to work with realistically, what he can and can't change, and what's important to him. Being right or having a relationship with his teenager.

Original poster

herewegogogox · 31/05/2024 13:34

@Tel12 thank you for that advice, shes been invited on every holiday weekend away etc but finds her 8 year old half sister annoying (naturally) so declines… she has been away with dad to alton towers but couldn’t imagine anything worse than a weekend with just dad shes a typical teen girl!

a trip with dad to cinema to see a 15 is a great shout though!

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Original poster

herewegogogox · 31/05/2024 13:41

@negomi90 thank you for this advice & different perspective.. my husband has always maintained he won’t change our house rules, we have an 8 year old & he says shes very impressionable & will think some things are ok

there is lots thats happened, missing school, allowing alcohol, boys sleeping over

i dont want to go into that nor do i want this post to be directed at bashing her mother, not my intension & frankly non of my business .. both their parenting styles in my opinion have flaws

my brief mentioning of the relationship between them was to give context

OP posts:

Original poster

herewegogogox · 31/05/2024 13:44

From a different perspective would a lot of mums change their rules if their children visited their dad on a weekend who was a “disney dad” ??

OP posts:

Grumpynan · 31/05/2024 13:46

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the rules he’s set, it’s his/your home your rules. My 25yr DD lives with us, there’s no vape in the house, there’s a covered patio she can use, and no phone at the table and those rules are fir all of us.

as fir the money, there’s no way on this earth I would even contemplate giving her any under those conditions. If and when she visits it’s because she wants to see you, do you contact her and invite her for a visit even just for an hour or two ? Let her see it’s her you both want to see and visits don’t have strings attached. Maybe you’re trying to hard to please, don’t always have her favourite things in just make her welcome with what you have and occasionally show her you’re thinking of her by getting what she likes.

but as for the money, it’s difficult, perhaps give her fir when she came and no more. But what she’s basically doing is making you pay for the pleasure of her company and trust me that the price for that will go up as she gets older. No nip it in the bud. You say she’s been once that £5, seems a bit tight to give her that so I wouldn’t give her anything if you do it’s condoning her actions. No tell her her father has given extra money to her mum for her holiday and the “arrangement “ well as she never came round well it was a joke wasn’t it ? And laugh it off. And never ever go down that road again

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