Step daughter feeling ill...is she bluffing?

[HolyJackaMoly]

Sorry for long post. Not sure what I'm looking for from this...I think maybe an independent viewpoint as I think the whole family are too emotionally involved to be rational?

Context: Married to DH who has 4 kids, 3 to one partner and 1, an only child (SD), with his ex (nothing in the breakup to do with me - she cheated). I have 1 grown up child. The older 3 step kids all have young kids of their own. I have been the single mum facing an awful step-mum with my son's dad, therefore have determined to not-be-that-woman when being an SM to DH's kids. I must have done OK as I get on fab with the 2 older ones and their families.

History: We had an issue about 3 years ago with the youngest SD (now 13), who made up a complete barrage of BS about DH telling school and her mum that DH was regularly hitting her (or at least said he'd hit her and didn't correct them when they jumped to conclusions about the frequency). He's never laid a finger on her. Cue a whole host of shit hitting the fan CAMHS involvement, social services, me taking time out from work to attend meetings, the lot. When everything blew over I gently explained to DH (perhaps too gently) that she needed a sitting down and a hard chat about how making up lies like that can ruin lives and get her (and others) into serious trouble. I was constantly given excuses that it was 'too soon', 'not the right time', and eventually 'too late now'. There was always some excuse offered for her behaviour to justify it.

Flash forward to the last month...this youngest SD has been complaining that she's getting dizzy spells. I actually suffer with these myself so can relate and
recognise symptoms. Unusually for her, she demanded dad takes her to the GP
(not mum) - of course he was delighted to be involved, but I was curious as to
why her Mum didn't seem to think it was important enough to go (or she could have just been busy and grateful of the support), but when I ask, I just get attitude as if I'm challenging why he'd want to attend.

Last week she was with her Mum, and at one point she phoned DH to say she was off to the hospital as she'd blacked out in her room. She said she'd stretched, started videoing herself on her phone and next thing she knew she was waking up on the floor. She said she was videoing herself as she felt dizziness coming on. DH assures me she has a bruise from falling but I’ve not seen it.

This weekend the full family were at ours. Everything was going great, until she was pestering DH for something when he was busy so eventually he shouted. Less than 30 seconds later she said ‘I feel dizzy’, having been fine the whole day so far. My older SS thinks she’s doing it for attention, my oldest SD and her hubby think it’s all lies too. DH even took SD to see an ex-nurse we know, leaving his other family behind in the house (SS said “Why, what’s the point, she’s already seen the Dr?”.). Whatever the case, it got DH’s attention and she then said she wanted to go home (playing on her phone all the way – something I can’t stomach if I feel dizzy). During the trip home DH mentioned that we have private health cover. When the youngest SD got home, it was all of 5 mins before DH got a ream of unprompted shitty texts from her Mum ‘How dare you offer private care, she’s been checked out by the Dr and they’ve said nothing is wrong, we have our own private care so if we decide to use it we will use ours’. If I were Mum I’d be thanks, but no thanks, politeness costs nothing. Needless to say he came home in a foul mood which affected the whole family (they were still with us).

Last night DH returned from work, again in a foul mood as there’d been another black out and he’d had ‘words’ with the ex. They’ve been split up over 10 years and they still cannot act like adults (both in their 50s for context, so not youngsters). SD had been to hospital again and has a scan booked in a couple of weeks and a consultant in a month or so. Again he’d raised the private care issue to bring the test forward and was given verbal abuse and a refusal. Something just does not add up with me:

1. SD can predict when these ‘episodes’ happen, yet seems to be highly reluctant to let Mum or anyone else video her. You’d think DH would welcome the idea himself but seems to side with SD all the time (she wouldn’t possibly lie!). He thinks her videoing the event is sufficient (oh look, a falling camera).
2. Episodes only seem to happen when she’s alone in her room and filming herself
3. Nothing has ever happened at school or anywhere else, given that she seems able to ‘make’ them happen if she wants to demonstrate it to the Dr for example
4. If SD is an only (and very spoiled on both sides) child then why would you refuse private treatment? Her Mum is def not an ‘NHS way or no way’ person, so it’s not that

I’ve tried to explain to DH that mum is there 24/7 and possibly knows something she’s not telling him. Obviously he’s worried sick.

I’m torn, I don’t want anything to be wrong, but equally so something doesn’t smell right with this. The logical side of me thinks she’s doing it for attention, but then I think no one would be that cruel and manipulative as to put their family through that. Then I have a reality check remembering she’s done it before. And if she’s lying again then where will it lead next? False accusations of someone in the family watching her get dressed or worse? What happens when she starts having sex and gets rumbled? Will she accuse the boy of pushing her into it?

I have been having dizzy spells (chronic vestibular neuritis) for over 40 years. I quickly learnt to know when they were coming on to get myself into a safe place if possible.

Youngest had dizzy spells and fainting episodes from around 12 and still gets them now in their 20’s but not as often. Hormonal apparently in their case.

He spends more time with her than his other kids and they can't understand why. The 3rd? We'd been dating 6 months when he saw fit to tell a teenager about my previous sex life. She called me all the names under the sun, trashed his daughter's room etc, was basically uncontrollable. Slagged off her siblings' kids etc. I stepped back and left him to it. I told him she'd end up pregnant as a teen. She was. Got pregnant twice to a local drugs runner. She's 24 now. Last year? Phoned her ex one morning when he had the kids and said "I'm not back home for a week as I'm at the airport going on holiday". She was due to have them back that day. Short answer, we don't get on. Brother and sister won't have anything to do with her. I treat the kids often but apart from being polite I have nothing to do with her.

Not jumping to conclusions yet. Your answer is helpful as they have suggested that yes.

Great idea

Good luck. I know it's difficult when you have these doubts but perhaps just being believed will give her the attention she is craving (if she is making it up) and she may move in.

As for her mum if she has been investigating it herself with doctor etc it probably feels like an accusation she isn't doing her best for her daughter when dad/ex tries to get involved in doing the same things.

If the Doctor can't find any cause for the dizzy spells, I would suggest that you remove her phone from her and suggest she sits in a room with Dad or you as these episodes always seem to occur when she's on her own on her phone? That might stop them?

Op my DD has dizzy spells.NHS fobbed us off for years and didn't believe her.She was constantly told it was anxiety.She actually has Coeliac, long covid POTs ,EDS.Had anaemia from the coeliac.I had to fight for a test. She does have anxiety which is a sympton of PoTs.The PoTs and EDS took a private Dr to listen, do tilt tests and diagnose in an hour after years of GP appts..There could be organic reasons.If it is "for attention" please ask yourself why she feels she needs attention and how she can be given it in a way which stops her consciously or subconsciously displaying medical symptoms.The leap to her lying to someone she has sex with when older sounds like an overreaction.Ask what she is communicating by her behaviour.Most teens are on tik tok filming themselves btw.

Didn't mean to sound patronising btw...there were many times I questioned if my DD was making it up as GP was so adamant there was nothing wrong

I was reading through the comments before commenting myself and was going to ask if she uses TikTok. Concerning number of teens "collapsing" or "fainting" while filming and getting a lot of attention in the comments (not all sympathetic as many are sensible enough to think, hmm) but lots of are you okay OMG and that's a lot of attention and validation.

Maybe reducing time allowed on her phone would cure her. Or insisting she stays in the lounge as obviously she needs keeping an eye on...

Well, either she is having dizzy spells for a specific medical reasons and needs help.

Or she is having problems with her mental health and this is manifesting as these spells and she needs support, ideally from a psychologist. Either way, something is going on with her and she is a child and your DH needs to step up. It’s great that he has the private health insurance!

Bear in mind that she might not to be “pretending” even if there isn’t an organic cause. Non-epileptic seizures or any functional neurological symptoms (and dizziness can be one) are “real” but can be triggered by an psychological factors and sometimes lead to accusations of “faking it”
or “attention seeking”. Sometimes they only happen in one setting.

I fainted a few times as a teen and in my 20s, but I wouldn’t have been able to predict it happening more than a few seconds beforehand. I usually wet myself when losing consciousness. Doctors never found anything wrong other than low blood pressure. It does seem odd that no-one has seen it happen. But I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt in case it is true. You could give her advice like sit down somewhere soft if you feel faint. Reluctance to be filmed while unconscious could be down to embarrassment, I was usually in quite a state after my faints, very groggy and also wetting yourself is embarrassing if that happens.

There's either something wrong with her physically, which all the tests and appointments will eventually show.

Or there is an issue mentally, in which case she will still need help and support and treatment (maybe in the form of therapy). That won't go away if you simply prove it was a lie. It will just manifest as something else.

In the meantime, your DH should be spending some quality time with her . Ask her to keep a diary of symptoms/circumstances these dizzy spells are happening in and the severity of them.What she ate that day, how much screen time, etc. Tell her she doesn't have to show you if she doesn't want to, but she might notice a pattern and it would be useful for the docs to have full information.

@HolyJackaMoly if she's unwell then hopefully they can find out what's going on but as others have said they might not but that doesn't mean she's lying.

Maybe she is, and everyone around her needs to think about why? What does she feel she's missing that she can get by seeking care from others? Attention, affection, validation that she's loved?

Your posts about her, her mother and the other stepdaughter do come across as very hard and judgmental. You seem to feel that she has no right to have been impacted by her parents not being together just because you weren't. That's unfair.

Then the dramatic predictions about accusing boys of assaulting her as she gets older is crazy and really highlights for me what you think of her.

She's a child. She'll make mistakes, she might need some emotional support and understanding. Don't write her off now ffs.

She’s either genuinely unwell
or incredibly unhappy
and she clearly has very poor parenting on both sides since no one wanted to address her previous lies.

I wouldn’t be considering her to be cruel and selfish I’d be worrying about her and trying to get help.
and I’d be wondering why dh is so childish and parenting so poorly.

What stands out to me is that her father shouted at her when she asked for something while he was busy and also, telling your other stepchild about your sex life? That's very inappropriate.
They are both troubled and it comes from him.

Is that shocking that the OP would worry about that? Many teenagers that age are having sex. They absolutely should not be, but they are. Teens who are attention/connection seeking like the SD are even more vulnerable to early sexual activity.

In my experience girls fainting/dizzy spells at that age is not unusual.Ihad it for a while snd so did both my daughters and many friends

I'd be removing tiktok from Her and limiting phone use tbh, if she's using the filming of it to get attention. Easier said than done with a 13 year old 100 percent but it does seem a bit strange that the only episodes have been on her own when she's filming herself. If she's not actually ill she is clearly crying out for attention so something needs to be done to look into the reasons for that

She sounds unwell mentally and she's still so young. The family dynamics sound complicated and chaotic with deep divisions. You'd be better off either staying out of it or advocate for much more focus being placed on her mental wellbeing.

She sounds an unhappy child from an unstable family background - when
ever there’s a man who has multiple baby mamas there’s generally psychological fall out somewhere.

She is being seen by doctors though so I’m not sure what your comments about private health care have to do with it? Once on the right track, some NHS support is very quick and thorough.

Conditions like POTS mean you can more or less faint on demand if you want. At her age periods, eating disorders, poor diet, hormones can genuinely cause dizzy spells. I can play on my phone when dizzy and find it a good distraction at times.

It sounds like, in your eyes, she’s a proven liar so won’t be believed regardless of what she says now. It’s quite possibly legitimate and just because her dizzy spells aren’t like your dizzy spells, doesn’t mean you can dismiss them as her attention seeking. She is seeing doctors and just because it’s not through your private healthcare doesn’t make their findings or thoughts any less valid.

@HolyJackaMoly one persons experience and consequences is one persons experience. It is a well documented area of trauma for young people who come from broken homes. It forms whole years of some psychology qualifications.

Just because you feel unscathed, which given your noted lack of understanding or acknowledgement of her experience, is questionable.

She is a child who either is experiencing frightening symptoms. She needs support and reassurance, the cause physical, psychological or a combination is really not relevant.

Bloody hell, that sounds like you will automatically not believe the child if she is sexually assaulted.

Not to mention leap frogging all the problematic scenarios and landing on thinking about when your 13 YO SD has sex.

🚩🚩🚩

Taking it at face value, either she’s ill or is communicating some issues ( need more reassurance:attention).

Rhe adults in her life have some work to do.

P.S. just because her parents split when she was 2 doesn’t mean that she might have a different perception of this as she ages and considers her life/family.