Sorry for long post. Not sure what I'm looking for from this...I think maybe an independent viewpoint as I think the whole family are too emotionally involved to be rational?
Context: Married to DH who has 4 kids, 3 to one partner and 1, an only child (SD), with his ex (nothing in the breakup to do with me - she cheated). I have 1 grown up child. The older 3 step kids all have young kids of their own. I have been the single mum facing an awful step-mum with my son's dad, therefore have determined to not-be-that-woman when being an SM to DH's kids. I must have done OK as I get on fab with the 2 older ones and their families.
History: We had an issue about 3 years ago with the youngest SD (now 13), who made up a complete barrage of BS about DH telling school and her mum that DH was regularly hitting her (or at least said he'd hit her and didn't correct them when they jumped to conclusions about the frequency). He's never laid a finger on her. Cue a whole host of shit hitting the fan CAMHS involvement, social services, me taking time out from work to attend meetings, the lot. When everything blew over I gently explained to DH (perhaps too gently) that she needed a sitting down and a hard chat about how making up lies like that can ruin lives and get her (and others) into serious trouble. I was constantly given excuses that it was 'too soon', 'not the right time', and eventually 'too late now'. There was always some excuse offered for her behaviour to justify it.
Flash forward to the last month...this youngest SD has been complaining that she's getting dizzy spells. I actually suffer with these myself so can relate and
recognise symptoms. Unusually for her, she demanded dad takes her to the GP
(not mum) - of course he was delighted to be involved, but I was curious as to
why her Mum didn't seem to think it was important enough to go (or she could have just been busy and grateful of the support), but when I ask, I just get attitude as if I'm challenging why he'd want to attend.
Last week she was with her Mum, and at one point she phoned DH to say she was off to the hospital as she'd blacked out in her room. She said she'd stretched, started videoing herself on her phone and next thing she knew she was waking up on the floor. She said she was videoing herself as she felt dizziness coming on. DH assures me she has a bruise from falling but I’ve not seen it.
This weekend the full family were at ours. Everything was going great, until she was pestering DH for something when he was busy so eventually he shouted. Less than 30 seconds later she said ‘I feel dizzy’, having been fine the whole day so far. My older SS thinks she’s doing it for attention, my oldest SD and her hubby think it’s all lies too. DH even took SD to see an ex-nurse we know, leaving his other family behind in the house (SS said “Why, what’s the point, she’s already seen the Dr?”.). Whatever the case, it got DH’s attention and she then said she wanted to go home (playing on her phone all the way – something I can’t stomach if I feel dizzy). During the trip home DH mentioned that we have private health cover. When the youngest SD got home, it was all of 5 mins before DH got a ream of unprompted shitty texts from her Mum ‘How dare you offer private care, she’s been checked out by the Dr and they’ve said nothing is wrong, we have our own private care so if we decide to use it we will use ours’. If I were Mum I’d be thanks, but no thanks, politeness costs nothing. Needless to say he came home in a foul mood which affected the whole family (they were still with us).
Last night DH returned from work, again in a foul mood as there’d been another black out and he’d had ‘words’ with the ex. They’ve been split up over 10 years and they still cannot act like adults (both in their 50s for context, so not youngsters). SD had been to hospital again and has a scan booked in a couple of weeks and a consultant in a month or so. Again he’d raised the private care issue to bring the test forward and was given verbal abuse and a refusal. Something just does not add up with me:
- SD can predict when these ‘episodes’ happen, yet seems to be highly reluctant to let Mum or anyone else video her. You’d think DH would welcome the idea himself but seems to side with SD all the time (she wouldn’t possibly lie!). He thinks her videoing the event is sufficient (oh look, a falling camera).
- Episodes only seem to happen when she’s alone in her room and filming herself
- Nothing has ever happened at school or anywhere else, given that she seems able to ‘make’ them happen if she wants to demonstrate it to the Dr for example
- If SD is an only (and very spoiled on both sides) child then why would you refuse private treatment? Her Mum is def not an ‘NHS way or no way’ person, so it’s not that
I’ve tried to explain to DH that mum is there 24/7 and possibly knows something she’s not telling him. Obviously he’s worried sick.
I’m torn, I don’t want anything to be wrong, but equally so something doesn’t smell right with this. The logical side of me thinks she’s doing it for attention, but then I think no one would be that cruel and manipulative as to put their family through that. Then I have a reality check remembering she’s done it before. And if she’s lying again then where will it lead next? False accusations of someone in the family watching her get dressed or worse? What happens when she starts having sex and gets rumbled? Will she accuse the boy of pushing her into it?