Feeling left out

[HebburnPokemon]

This is a huge trigger for me and my mental health is not the best at present, so please be kind.

Every day I feel an overwhelming sense of deep raw sadness at not having any children with DP. It doesn’t make any logical sense to have any more kids (can’t afford it, no space, etc) so it’s not going to happen.

Consequently I feel I’m on the outside of an exclusive club/bond that DP has with other people. I get triggered instantly by reminders of this. I push the feelings deep down inside and sit with them burning away inside me, my stomach doing flips.

We are married but it doesn’t feel “enough”. I still don’t feel like an insider.

Any advice, empathy, solidarity would be much appreciated.

Having a partner who has low emotional intelligence is very draining and invalidating

Thank you. It's lonely, and when I'm upset it feels like I don't recognise my husband because his reaction to my emotions is not what I think a loving husband would do.

You need to learn to ask for what you need, emotionally. And before you can do that, you need to learn that you are deserving of it.

It doesn't help that I know he was besotted with his ex (he was what you might call a "simp" with her). Her needs were front and centre, even when they clashed with his. He would do whatever it took to make her happy. He was scared of losing her. My heart aches that I can't be afforded the same.

The feeling of not being understood or seen by your partner sounds very lonely, especially if he was so besotted with his ex, which would make anyone feel second best. I can completely understand that his bond with his children has become a trigger for you in these circumstances, made worse by his impatience with you. Sadly I don't think having a child together would fix this.

I agree with others that counselling could help. I did also wonder (because you mentioned a trauma response) whether your dynamic mirrors something you have experienced before. Sometimes we unconsciously recreate a painful but familiar situation hoping to heal it.

Either way you sound weary, do be gentle with yourself.

>> I am simply dessert, not his soul mate. And I have a constant reminder.

This is a very sad statement, and I can’t stop thinking about it. If your husband is not empathetic to this, if you said it to him, you definitely need to explore it in counseling. Do you think your husband’s lack of empathy towards you is due to him feeling “done” with the heavy relationship listing earlier in life, and now he just wants “dessert”? That’s obviously not fair to you (and different than if he simply has low emotional intelligence). Start talking this through with someone who does have empathy and is in your corner (counselor).

Lifting not listing! Sorry!

Also, I highly recommend journaling. It’s something I’ve been doing for decades, and you will be surprised how much it helps, to explore every nook and crevice of a feeling and of someone else’s behavior. And helps with pinning down exactly what makes you feel bad about a situation. In a journal, you can go on and on as much as you like, no time limit...and you can be completely honest. If you do this it will be a great help towards articulating your feelings with a counselor and to your spouse.

The feeling of not being understood or seen by your partner sounds very lonely, especially if he was so besotted with his ex, which would make anyone feel second best. I can completely understand that his bond with his children has become a trigger for you in these circumstances, made worse by his impatience with you. Sadly I don't think having a child together would fix this.

This is 100% correct. Deeply, I can now see this. My core problem is not feeling important.

oh journaling is my lifeblood. I journal regularly to make sense of my thoughts and (in a bizarre way) feel I am being heard.

I totally hear you @HebburnPokemon. I've withdrawn completely from anything to do with my partner's family, including his daughter. I felt I was protecting myself because when I had tried to participate I was treated as a bit of an afterthought and it hurt. Anything I said about his daughter's issues and how we could resolve my reaction to them was roundly rejected. So I told him I'm out, I was going to focus on my own life and he didn't seem to care that much. This situation has now seeped into so many aspects of our lives now that I feel like we're barely partners. He takes his kid away every weekend he has her and while I'm glad I don't have to deal with them that much it feels like I'm basically keeping the house together while he goes and lives his real life elsewhere.

Last year I had been toying with the idea of him moving back to his apartment and continuing our relationship living apart. He was against it then but said a couple of weeks ago that he would consider it. I feel like there's a death knell ringing above this relationship and I'm so so sad because we're so good together but I can't understand his way of parenting and he can't understand me and is completely unable to reflect on what's going on or communicate what he actually wants. He's the best partner I've ever had in so many ways and if this fails I'm going to completely blame myself for not being able to cope with a 'blended' situation.

Hello my darling xx I absolutely feel your pain. My partner and I were seeing each other for 18 months before he introduced his children, family or friends to me.

I have 2 grown up daughters who have left home and a 12 y/o son.

I never asked or expected to be a key role in his life away from me, I just wanted the people he loved to know I existed.

He literally kept his whole life separate from me. And he has a very close relationship with his ex wife. They co parent better than most married people which I found very uncomfortable and another thing I was excluded from.

Now I am a bit more involved and very much on my terms, but I still feel like an outsider.

I think the feeling of rejection I had because of his situation impacted me so badly that I have just shut down and chose to distance myself from it all. However, he’s now got the hump because I don’t spend a lot of time with him and his kids. 🤷‍♀️ if I haven’t got my son.

I actually love being child free 🥰 and because he made it clear I wasn’t a part of that side of his life I made peace with it and just enjoy my own space.

our relationship started off on a bad footing there’s always going to be feelings of rejection, not being good enough and fear on my part but I’m hoping we will work through it.

has anything happened in your life that could have made you feel the way you do?

I don’t necessarily think it’s because he doesn’t want children with you. He already has 3 children and you have 3, I wouldn’t want any more in that scenario no matter how much I loved someone!

I know exactly how you feel. I was just like this with my ex. We were together 10 years and in the beginning I tried really hard to step into a stepmother role. Spent every weekend with him and his DCs, went on holidays all together and did activities etc.

But I always felt like an outsider. It caused so many arguments as he’d say I had to “claim my place” but I didn’t want to have to elbow my way in. He was very family focussed, spent loads of time with his siblings and their DCs, always banging on about the XX family name etc like they were some elite dynasty! He would joke that I hated children, but really I just hated how he changed when his DCs were around and I became invisible and unimportant, whereas when it was just us and my DCs we were able to be a couple.

With my current BF it’s very different. His DC has SEN and needs lots of attention and yet somehow I feel a lot more comfortable around them and included in their conversations and relaxed in their company. I don’t feel jealous of his ex, or in any way inferior for her having married him or had DC with him, I just enjoy what we have together. With the previous relationship I always felt like I was trying to catch up, that she’d had his DC and been engaged, where was my validation that I was important. I honestly don’t feel like I need that from BF. I‘m not trying to live up to a predecessor, or level up!

I’m not sure what the difference is, but this relationship, while it has its struggles in other areas, is the healthiest and most eye opening I’ve ever been in. As much as it pains me to say it, maybe this just isn’t the right relationship and you need to call it a day rather than trying to band aid it with a baby.

I don’t live with my partner which gives me leverage.
If I feel left out I go home.
He doesn’t want to be alone with two his kids.
I didn’t spend a weekend or holiday with them for many months because he let his kids dominate him and exclude me. I let him feel the full force of his parenting choices.

I went back in (part time) on the proviso that he walks with me or sits with me when we are out (sounds childish but one of his kids was desperate to physically separate us and dominate his dad). He knows now to consult me in front of the kids on every tiny matter from sandwich filling to driving route to what’s on TV in front of the kids and back me in everything I say even he disagrees (he can tell me that he disagrees when we are alone). I consult him equally. The point is we never ever appear divided and I am never treated as an outsider. If I am my response will be to go home. I was going home a lot before and the kids worked this one out before my partner did. They would wind me up and exclude me to make me leave. I left my partner to work that one out for himself.

This is boot camp. It won’t last forever but atm the new status quo of ‘adults are in charge’ is still being regularly challenged by kids who are used to dominating guilty parents and playing them off. One of the kids was lying down on the street wailing the other day when we went for a walk, screaming ‘dad wait for me.’ So dad walked off and I went back to get the child. About 78 times. After a day or so however the kids tend to give up, calm down and behave rather nicely.

This is all, I cannot emphasise enough, on my partner. He is the only person who can control his kids. I can, with his backing, but seen as his proxy. I leave all discipline to him so I am not the strict cow while he gets to be fun dad.

I still question why I bother. This isn’t my family, it’s voluntary work. But otoh my only child gets other kids to play with and this improves his social skills. I won’t be doing it every weekend!