Feeling left out

[HebburnPokemon]

This is a huge trigger for me and my mental health is not the best at present, so please be kind.

Every day I feel an overwhelming sense of deep raw sadness at not having any children with DP. It doesn’t make any logical sense to have any more kids (can’t afford it, no space, etc) so it’s not going to happen.

Consequently I feel I’m on the outside of an exclusive club/bond that DP has with other people. I get triggered instantly by reminders of this. I push the feelings deep down inside and sit with them burning away inside me, my stomach doing flips.

We are married but it doesn’t feel “enough”. I still don’t feel like an insider.

Any advice, empathy, solidarity would be much appreciated.

But the bond is with his children and not with you. Even if you had children together the bond will be with the children and not with you - you already have that bond as a couple together.

I have children of my own. I was never jealous of the relationship they had with my xDP. I never felt like an outsider- very much the insider.

What do you think the issue is with your current husband? Does he make you feel uncomfortable in other ways?

It sounds like you’re feeling left out, I’m assuming all the children live with you. Having another child wouldn’t change the bond between your husband and his current children, it would probably drive more of a wedge. Do you think he feel jealous of the relationship between you and your children?

Do you feel jealous of his friendships outside the marriage?

Does he make you feel uncomfortable in other ways?

Interesting question. He has pretty low emotional intelligence (although is improving). So for example, when I raise a concern about anything, even about work which doesn’t concern him, he gets defensive and/or launches into mansplaining or fixing mode. This makes me feel invalidated and belittled. But how does this relate?

I’m assuming all the children live with you

His kids do 50% of the time.

it would probably drive more of a wedge.

A wedge between what?

Do you think he feel jealous of the relationship between you and your children?

Not that I know of.

Do you feel jealous of his friendships outside the marriage?

No, although he doesn’t have any really close ones.

Surely all that would happen is you’d be like 2 separate families?

Have you discussed your feeling left out with him?

Maybe it’s because you are feeling listened to and that your feeling are not valid that you’re projecting this on his relationship with his children. He doesn’t have many friends so you’re making this all about his children (as in he has a relationship with people who are not you). Do you generally like to feel in control? This is a relationship (him and his children) you can’t control.

If you had another child, his relation with his children will still be there, so the relationship you feel excluded from will still continue. It might drive more of a wedge as it will be you and your children, him and his children, and then another child who will have to come to terms with all the dynamics you are explaining. Your husband may feel he needs more 121 time with his children to make up for the new baby arriving so they don’t feel left out.

I think a new baby is a bit of a red herring, I think you need to pinpoint why you are jealous of your husband’s relationship with his children. If you were happy in your relationship otherwise I don’t think you’d be so jealous.

I have children of my own. I was never jealous of the relationship they had with my xDP. I never felt like an outsider- very much the insider.
But that's as pp are saying? You will be the 'insider'with your own dc?

What do you mean, 2 separate families? If the child is his child we would share that common bond.

If you were happy in your relationship otherwise I don’t think you’d be so jealous.

hmmm, it’s a difficult one, because there are varying degrees of happiness. I don’t think it’s possible to be 100% happy - that’s perfection. How much happiness would be enough to kill the jealousy? Then, how would I know how to build that happiness? This is the best relationship I’ve ever had (albeit I’ve had some absolute stinkers!).

Have you discussed your feeling left out with him?

It’s a cruel chicken & egg scenario. Please be kind as what I’m about to say will sound nuts: when he mentions them I feel indifferent/numb and I think unconsciously my whole demeanour changes (quiet, ruminating, melancholy, dissociative). I think he senses that so doesn’t mention them. This just feeds the “exclusive club” atmosphere. It’s difficult to be self reflective about it because I don’t fully understand why own emotions, other than deep sadness over the issue.

It's so hard. I think feeling like an outsider is inherent in being a stepmother because you are an outsider when it comes to your husband's relationship with his children. Having a child together wouldn't change that - in fact it could actually make things worse if, as often happens, your husband were to make greater efforts for the stepchildren than for your joint child to mitigate the guilt that comes with not being with the stepchildren full-time.

Might your sadness also be about not being prioritised in the marriage? Stepmothers do so much that goes unacknowledged and it is painful giving your all and yet consistently being second (or third or fourth) on the list of priorities.

I don't have an answer other than to treat yourself with understanding and compassion; it's hard.

I get what you’re saying. For me I felt like it was me against them. I don’t know if this is relatable.

i also think, looking back, it wasn’t the relationship of the kids that bothered me it was more the constant reminder of the bond he shared with someone else strong enough to have children and when we spoke of having children he wasn’t keen as that box was ticked by someone else and that was kicker.

do you think it’s possible it’s the past in your present that bothers you?

Yes it is relatable. It felt as though everyone started out on the same team but over time it began to feel like there was more than one team, it was quite complex to manage and destabilising.

And I agree about the past in the present. For certain boxes to have already been ticked is painful, however rational you try to be about it.

I mean 2 families in the manner that Elkmoor has described. you and baby v DH and his kids.

If he is hands on and in tune with his SK he will most likely focus more attention on them so that they don’t feel pushed out by the baby.
He might not feel the same about your joint baby as he does about his SK (DC ages causes this too I think).

Which means you will still feel left out, even worse because you’ll resent that your baby is pushed to the side.

Then others will say you knew what you were getting into.

There are threads about this behaviour.

yep about starting on the same team. Then in my case, ex was easily manipulated by kids and ex to do whatever they wanted even if it went against what WE agreed.

I felt like it was me vs him, me vs kids then me vs him kids and ex and I just thought I feel like I’m always fighting and no one’s fighting with me only against me.

yep and it’s not their fault of course but each time I’d see them something would make me very aware he had a marriage and a life with someone else and to be told I don’t want kids with you as I already have is painful and almost I felt like less of a woman and just another tally on her chart. Might be ridiculous but we feel how we feel right.

Yes.
Plans are made with kids in front of me but without me.
I put food that I paid for on my table in my house and the kids turn to dad and say they don’t like it.
I tend to stay away now. My partner is pretty great and the kids are his problem that I wish him the best of luck with.

What is your relationship with your stepchildren like? I mitigated feeling like an outsider by really focussing on trying to build positive relationship with my step child and it helps to talk about memories I share with her and her dad. When I focus on celebrating her and focus outwards, it helps to get rid of the outsider feeling if that makes any sense at all?!

I definitely had similar feelings in the beginning but gradually felt more embedded in family by taking this approach? I look at photos with her and say 'remember x,y,z or what you were like when we met' etc

Of course I get it depends on their ages etc and might not work for you.

It’s not nuts at all to feel this disassociation. It’s what we do to protect ourselves when we feel powerless and unsafe. I’ve been there. It’s ok to stay disassociated until you’re invited in with love and feel important and supported and validated. It’s not on you.

Where are your own children in this scenario? Don’t you have a close bond with them that your current husband can’t be part of?

I completely understand this. Despite being married, I think it’s knowing they have a bond with someone else for life because they had a child together, and I wonder if this is more a female thing given that a lot of men don’t have the desire to have more children in another relationship.

I don’t think it’s always a case that they chose to have that bond with another woman, certainly in my DH situation he believed his ex was on the pill, but they are still joined for life now regardless.
I think if anything it’s this what makes him less inclined to have another, because he didn’t choose it first time around and he’s had a difficult experience.

In terms of the SC, I really worked on having a good relationship, and it went well, until their mum got jealous and caused problems. And this ramped up even more when we got married. I still have a “nice” relationship with SC but not as it was, I think because it just doesn’t feel worth the drama. It’s a shame because it’s not their fault, but even as adults we are only human and we have feelings

Having a baby with him won't solve this issue. It'll probably make it worse because you'll go melancholy whenever he mentions his other children because he's not 100% focused on you or your shared baby.

Might your sadness also be about not being prioritised in the marriage? Stepmothers do so much that goes unacknowledged and it is painful giving your all and yet consistently being second (or third or fourth) on the list of priorities.

To be clear: I do very little for his kids, besides injecting cash into the joint account. As the higher earner we have an understanding that he does more domestic stuff (I’m honestly hopeless at it).

Random thought: He doesn’t see (or chooses not to see?) the inner me. He presumes what I’m thinking or what my motives are, and most of the time he’s wrong. This is frustrating and doesn’t help the situation. He’s low on emotional intelligence.

your husband were to make greater efforts for the stepchildren than for your joint child to mitigate the guilt that comes with not being with the stepchildren full-time.

This is certainly a possibility. I read it all the time on here.

I don't have an answer other than to treat yourself with understanding and compassion; it's hard.

Thank you, I appreciate that. My husband does not treat me with compassion where this subject is concerned. He gets angry and defensive, so hearing a stranger say what you’ve just said, is so heartwarming.

For me I felt like it was me against them. I don’t know if this is relatable.

Completely relatable. The existence of stepkids has brought nothing but pain to my life - absolutely zero positives, which does tend to create a battle mentality.

wasn’t the relationship of the kids that bothered me it was more the constant reminder of the bond he shared with someone else strong enough to have children and when we spoke of having children he wasn’t keen as that box was ticked by someone else and that was kicker.

THIS is it 100%!! I am simply dessert, not his soul mate. And I have a constant reminder. We have “settled”.

I felt like it was me vs him, me vs kids then me vs him kids and ex and I just thought I feel like I’m always fighting and no one’s fighting with me only against me.*

Yes! This is it. It’s such a lonely place. I think, if we had a child together we would become our own little team. I would finally “belong”.

be told I don’t want kids with you as I already have is painful and almost I felt like less of a woman and just another tally on her chart.

You are my soul sister! Less of a woman - this tea resonates; I’m actually shaking. I think I need some kind of counselling; the pain is so visceral.

Plans are made with kids in front of me but without me.

plans are made behind my back!

What is your relationship with your stepchildren like?

They ignore me for the most part. At best, when I try to engage I get one word answers; and they never initiate conversation. And no, I am not OW. There is no reason for them to dislike me.

It’s not nuts at all to feel this disassociation. It’s what we do to protect ourselves when we feel powerless and unsafe

Im crying now. I swear I have a trauma response when they’re mentioned. I definitely need some counselling. Thank you for your empathy and validation.

Where are your own children in this scenario? Don’t you have a close bond with them that your current husband can’t be part of?

My children live with us 100%, their dad sadly passed. I love them to bits, they are so easy going and never cause drama. I don’t think my husband is bothered by my bond with them. He’s never raised any issues.

Despite being married, I think it’s knowing they have a bond with someone else for life because they had a child together, and I wonder if this is more a female thing given that a lot of men don’t have the desire to have more children in another relationship.

Yes! This is a deeply female thing, I’m certain of it.

Also, for context, He has 3 children and I have 3 (albeit one of mine lives with his dad).

Having a partner who has low emotional intelligence is very draining and invalidating. Also, to give you my personal experience, it is easier for a person with low emotional intelligence to bond with, and spend time with, a child. Children are less complex, and they can be bonded with through play, rather than through sharing the emotional complexities of adulthood. So it can be doubly invalidating when your partner doesn’t relate to you, but you find him relating easily, and bonding strongly with, a child. This is true even if the child is a shared child. But the complexities of having stepchildren must make it much worse.

You need to start counseling. You need to learn to ask for what you need, emotionally. And before you can do that, you need to learn that you are deserving of it. It won’t happen quickly, but the sooner you get started, the quicker it will happen. I feel for you and wish you good luck.