Unblended

[Felic23]

Blended family didn't workout, many reasons but the fact we had to downside to flat while we saved for a house was the final straw.

Since moving out we have drifted apart, I seem to be the only one making plans/ date nights/ trips away etc he complains we are not seeing each other enough- but oddly doesn't seem to do anything about it.

Has anyone successfully unblended but stayed together?

@WillLiveLife thanks for reply. How do you navigate seeing each other with other commitments, work and does he have kids?

Do you set days or agree to staying over certain nights etc

He wanted you for the childcare. He'll be looking for someone else now. Sorry, OP, don't chase.

he complains we are not seeing each other enough- but oddly doesn't seem to do anything about it.

Is this a person you want to be with? It wouldn't be reasonable for a teenager to complain about not hanging out with a friend enough when they never bothered to ask the friend to go/meet up anywhere; it's certainly not reasonable in an adult.

@WillLiveLife ok thanks. We both have s child live with us full time (early teen) so that's where I think we struggle. He doesn't want to be round mine leaving his at home and neither do I.

Teens don't want to come with so we end up doing date nights etc.
. @Marghogeth he wants me to make all the effort for sure but I'm certain he doesn't want to split up, but is lazy in being proactive about staying together

@Precipice yes I do want us to stay together but am loosing respect for him. All the effort in the relationship seems to be expected from me. He will do anything or go anywhere I suggest/plan but it's always me steering things. He is more than capable to planning other things in his life.

I was wondering how other couple with or without kids who don't live together manage staying in each others lives.

It seems easy to drift apart

Not if both of you are on the same page.

I would take a step back now and see if he makes any effort if you don’t.

Could you sort a regular schedule and split the planning between you? For example, we'll do something out of the house every Saturday evening (take it in turn to plan) and we'll do something in the house every Wednesday evening (take it in turns to be the host/guest). Have a clear conversation and a clear plan.

@NuffSaidSam yes we have tried this before goes well for a while then when when something gets in the way for one of us we go back to ad hoc. It's tricky I think we are both carrying a lot of resentment from the unblending.

Could your partner be just overwhelmed by having do his kids on his own OP? If so then that might be temporary. It was in my un-blend, eventually.

It was my partner’s decision alone to unblend, driven by his ex wife relocating to an area I couldn’t move to (child in good school and we’re near has dad with amicable coparenting).

I didn’t blame my partner because had he not moved he’d have gone from being a 50-50 dad to an EoW dad. We only had bad choices. And I was very supportive at first, travelling to his home a lot with my child to carry on being stepmom of the year. But I was burned out by this and my therapist helped me to put myself first. So eventually I disengaged and let him do the vast majority of his parenting all by himself. I seized the opportunity to build a full new life for me.

My partner was then very overwhelmed and seemed about to drop out of our relationship. He’d won his 50-50 quite a while after his divorce and when I was already there to support him. After our unblend this was the first time he’d been fully responsible for managing the house, managing childcare, managing kids. He was much less of a partner to me at first. He was knackered. He passively expected me to do everything for our relationship. Like I say I did for a while but therapy directed me to drift off and disengage instead. As none of this was my choice I took advantage of my extra free time and energy to work out, take holidays with friends, start new hobbies.

Partner adapted himself to his new situation. He got a parenting coach, sorted out a whole lot of kid stuff and his own physical and mental health.

Now this took him a few months but I simply put the relationship into cruise control to wait for him to sort himself out or prepare for the exit.

But he’s doing well now. Because he’s much more capable as a parent and a person he can put the time into our relationship as well as single parenting. We have a nice time together and it’s not only me planning it all.

I still resist going out of my way to help him with his life and his kids. My test for whether I put effort in or not is would he do this for me. But also I did accept where he was in those months of overwhelm, without enabling him to continue by running his life for him like some sort of personal concierge - and believe me he tried to make that happen!

@Stepmumptsd thanks so much for taking time to message. Luckily sounds like it all worked out for you in the end.

My partner has always been a single Dad so he is used to the commitment and routine that involves. He also works less than me and his child is 14yrs so is some what independent.

I took advice of one of posters on here and decided I wasn't going to mention making the next plan. He's been on holiday for almost a week, back 1 day. We have spoke regularly..he hasn't mentioned arranging when he will see me and it's now been over a week.

This coming from the man who says he doesn't want a 'phone call' relationship.

I think now what he meant was he expects me to plan all our dates, spend my evenings at his home, plan holidays, days etc with kids. Unless I do that looks like we don't have much of a relationship.

I can’t offer any advice but what I find worked for me was to just not do the expected things. I’ve felt really low at points while I’ve been disengaged. I feel like I’m passive aggressive. I have often wondered if he’d just find someone else to lighten his load. But so far detaching and disengaging reminds him not to take me for granted. A few weeks ago my he restarted ignoring me when he was with his kids and only making plans with them. I went home early and didn’t speak to him much for a few days. He’s stepping up again now.