As it’s election season I’d like us to create a manifesto - for our partners. For the men or women or non-binaries that bring their children into our lives and expect us to live with them, full or part time.
A lot of us have been convinced that it’s our job equal to our partners to raise, settle and soothe their kids, to solve or pander to ex wife problems, to never complain about children who are not ours and we did not raise to be this way and to commit our money, our time, our energy and our mental health to living a life where we are often handed minimal power but maximum responsibility to make a step family work.
So it is time for us to rise up and ask for more. But it will not be us writing a manifesto for ourselves. We’ve done enough. We are going to write pledges for our partners that they have to stick to if they want to keep us around. They get to share their duties, costs and labour with us, which makes their live easier and makes ours harder. But we are not obligated to do it all on their terms. Stepmothers do not work for free.
So what do you want? What has worked for you?
I’ll start:
Teach your children to give me respect and authority before you expect me to take any responsibility. Apply consistent rules, rewards and consequences as necessary to ensure I am treated with respect. Only expect me to offer childcare once I’ve got authority and respect.
Listen to me. If I see a problem with your kids’ behaviour always seek to validate me rather than ‘defending’ your child from perceived criticism from an outsider. If you want someone to cook, babysit and drive for you and you expect to also treat them as an outsider, you are not yet capable of repartnering. You need to pay for staff.
Fix your own kids’ divorce trauma. Invest in a therapist. Use that therapist to work consistently towards preventing kids from taking their sadness and anger out on adults, especially me. Do not use me as your human shield by permitting damaged children to target me instead of you because that’s easier for them, and then tell me I just need to do even more to build a good relationship with your kids. They will relate to adults how you raise them to. Protect me.
Fix fussy eating however you need to, with medical help if it’s a medical issue. Only ask me to shop and cook once fussy eating has been resolved. Do not ever permit a child to reject my food and then buy them a takeaway. Use takeaways and meals out as rewards for being nice. To me.
Get any kids who’ve been given adult status while you were single literally and figuratively out of the front seat of the car. Make weekend and holiday or even movie night plans with me first and then present them, as options if needed depending on age and character, to the children. Put the adults in charge of internet, TV and all devices.
Learn to parent your children actively before you expect me to. Never use screen time as a babysitter. Dole it out as a reward.
Build your own boundaries. Never Disney your children out of fear they won’t come round if you don’t. Never pander to your ex out of fear of ‘what she will do’ if you don’t.
Put safety barriers around our couple relationship. Stand up to your ex. Make our alone time sacrosanct and resist all visitation interference and extra coparenting duties unless you’ve consulted me first. If the ex is slagging me off to the kids and they are treating me like crap because of it, deal with it however you need to including asking for and listening to my advice. Use a therapist wisely, as above.
Make sure there’s a reward system for me for helping you. That’s date nights, weekends away and spa days. Think how much you save every month in childcare, convenience food and cleaners because I am here and commit a percentage of this sum to making me feel appreciated and valued.