Struggling

[Kf12g10]

I feel really terrible saying this but I’m really struggling and I don’t really know what to do/ know there’s nothing I can do except suck it up.

My wonderful SD is 4.5, tragically her mum passed away when she was born. I have been with her dad since she was 2.

She has had a really difficult couple of years and it’s taken a long time to accept me, we’ve worked closely with a child psychologist to support her as best we can. We now have another baby who’s 6 months old. DSD adores her sister and is amazingly helpful.

The issue is that any change or disruption causes huge meltdowns for DSD, she really struggles to cope with anything that is not standard routine, we struggle to have friends over or do things at weekends because it’s often too much for her.

we’ve recently been out of routine for various reasons and jealousy of her sister and DH has ramped up and it’s triggered going back to big outbursts of hitting/biting/scratching me - and always telling me she hates me/wants a different mum/doesn’t want me in the house etc etc. I totally understand why this is happening and of course im not blaming her at all, poor little girl has been through so so much and i wonder if it would have been better not to have another baby.

I love her dearly but I am exhausted. It takes a huge amount of energy to deal with the meltdowns how we need to and I know not to take what she says personally but it’s really hard. Sometimes I resent that I didn’t get to have a ‘normal’ first time parent experience or really spend anytime with DH without DSD around (she has extreme separation anxiety)

I never let this show in front of her, I love her no differently to my other daughter but why am I so tired and how can I shake this feeling of sadness that I missed out. It’s starting to affect the wonderful relationship I have with DH as if I ever want to talk about it he just thinks I’m going to leave which obviously I’m not. DH still struggles a lot too and my support feels like it’s being spread thinly and there’s no energy left to give to myself or baby, let alone housework!

I know it was all my decision, to be with DH and to have another baby so please don’t just say this, I didn’t anticipate just how hard it might be.

Sympathies as this does sound really stressful. From what you say, you are supporting her well and giving her security and comfort whilst she grieves. Day to day might seem hard but she will be benefiting in the long term but that won't become apparent until a few years down the line when she is more settled. Could you do things separately at times? So you take your baby out and DH takes DSD out. Both adults get quality time with each child? It gives you all a bit of space but also quality time. You shouldn't feel guilty about maybe wanted some extra time with the baby.

As for the home environment maybe for 6 months keep everything as routine and regimented as possible. No unexpected guests etc. She might just need more time to settle and feel secure.

Does she still see the psychologist? I think she would really benefit from ongoing grief counselling. Losing a parent at birth is a very specific type of grief that needs professional support. It's not the same as losing a partner or other loss.

Also, does she spend time with her mother's family - grandparents on that side, aunts, uncles, cousins? A strong connection to her mother will benefit her growing up.

The entire family environment sounds very stressful. In the space of two years you have appeared on the scene, taken a space in her life, taken her father's attention, added a new baby into the mix, and your DH thinks you will leave if you try to discuss it which suggests there is a lot of instability.

She will be very aware of her position in the family. You say you love her as much as your new baby, but then "Sometimes I resent that I didn’t get to have a ‘normal’ first time parent experience or really spend anytime with DH without DSD around"

Continue to pursue the counselling and try to maintain some stability in the family.

This sounds really, really tough. You're still a new mum, and you're also dealing with a traumatised and insecure little girl who needs 110% of everything. You must be knackered

You're already doing everything right by her, you just need to keep going, try to pace yourself and carve out some time and space for yourself as well - you need time to enjoy your new baby and bond with her, and you need breaks to recharge your own batteries. Your DH needs to be making that happen. You're much more likely to maintain your bond with DSD and be able to carry on doing the incredible job you're doing if you get the support you need. Both of your girls are lucky to have you.

Thank you :)

Yes we try to do this, for example Saturday mornings we spend one on one time with DSD, we alternate this between us but DH always spends some of the weekend one on one with her.

Out of routine has been partly unavoidable sadly but partly a holiday that didn’t quite go to plan! Should stay routine from now until she starts school

Currently they have recommended that we continue to see the psychologist (who has specific experience in this type of bereavement) as parents and when she is older to see someone herself

We do see maternal grandparents

I think both things can be true, that I love both children equally but can feel sad about the situation in general

Sometimes I feel like I’m grieving her too as I feel so desperately sad that this happened to DSD

Thank you this is a really lovely message

Have you considered she might be autistic? Or do you think it's attachment issues? What does psychologist say?

My son has asd. when he was younger he a daily routine on the wall with pictures- so breakfast 8am, dress 830 etc. school days the routine was easy. Weekends we would have activity times so say 10-12 and 1-4. Where we might go to the park or visit grandparents but the rest of the routine - mealtimes, dressing, bedtime etc all stayed to same. He had set times to watch tv or go on iPad. We would typically plan the weekend at least a few days in advance so he would know what is happening. New/unusual places we would show photos and discuss in advance. Now he's eight we have a calendar and we fill in what's happening. He's a lot more relaxed about it the older he gets.

We think all due to attachment issues, she has no other signs of ASD.

We have done similar before but haven’t written a routine lately, but thinking about it maybe we should go back to that. Yes preparation is a big part of our daily life!

It might be good to start doing the pictures/ daily routine chart now before she starts school in September as that is going to involve a whole other change. You can find lots of pictures online to help with this.
Has the psychologist suggested ways to deal with the meltdowns that might enable her to come out of them quicker and move on. Reading up on meltdowns in children with autism would bring up suggestions.
Also it's worth remembering that girls present differently with autism and are often picked up on much later due to this. Don't totally write it off yet as the meltdown/ struggling with change/ needing routine are all major symptoms. Even if she isn't a lot of the helpful stuff could still benefit her. Has she seen an Occupational therapist as l have seen children in school..as a teacher...benefit greatly from sessions with an OT .