Is there a way to be ok again with adult step son?

[Anuta77]

Hello,
Long story short, I used to have a good relationship with SS, now 21. He was always a difficult child, had issues with bullying at school (was the bully), was annoying (if not bullying) SD (now 17), my older son (now 16), some other children. As a teenager, he decided that he didnt like the way I raise my son (I had rules) and was judging me and telling my son, who admired him, not to listen to me.
With time, he started coming much less and when he did, he was generally nice. Hes always been charming, so I felt affection for him, treated him well, made cakes for him, organized some activities just for him, etc.

I once had a conflict with his mother who considered that my DP is her «best friend», etc. Then, I made peace, but turned out, she was talking behind my back for a while and my SS got influenced. He does like getting involved in other peoples business, feeling self-righteous, so he decided that he had to strenghten me after a certain event where his mother ended up yelling at me in public.

He wrote among other things that: Im toxic to his father, Im miserable and like making others miserable, judging my interactions with my DPs other ex who stayed in his life (something that was none of his business in my opinion), Im controlling about my younger son because I dont allow people who use his pictures on social media, and a cherry on top: I abused my SD. The latest really chocked me and when I asked him to give me the details of my abuse, he couldnt come up with anything and just said that SD told him herself. Strangely enough, SD seems to at least like me, shows me affection, wants me to go to her concerts, etc. So he clearly lied just to make me feel bad. All this, not because I had any issue with him, but based on rumours being spread behind my back.

His father told me that his son «received wrong information» (politically correct for «his mother was spreading rumours about me» and had a talk with him, but SS stayed cold with me and there was no apology.

He then decided that he was no longer upset with me or something and tried to act like nothing happened. Well, I am the one upset at him. We are civil in front of his father, but no more.

This happened 2 years ago, he only came to our house 3-4 times since then and for me, the more time passed, the more the situation hardened. At this point, hes pretty much a stranger to me and Im happy to never see him again. But suddenly, my DP says that SS proposes we all do things together and my DP loves him and doesnt feel good that Im upset with his son. According to him, I should have forgiven him.

What do you ladies think? Am I too resentful?

Oh, I forgot to mention that he also told me that he didn`t like me and insinuated that he didnt respect me by comparing me to his exSM, calling her «noble» and saying that she won his respect. (I heard that he was rude to her as well, but the point of comparing us was to make me feel bad)

Well in some ways I feel sorry for him because he has been stuck in the middle hearing this and that for a long time and you expect it not to have had an effect. But I guess now as an adult he needs to think for himself and judge for himself each person's actions as to who is right or wrong. Personally I would move on and make peace life is to short

You don't owe him anything. You don't have to get on ot like someone just because they're related to your DH. Trying to get along with him is only going to damage your own mental health. Yes, he was influenced by his mother but he's an adult and he's made the decision not to like you and to yell at you etc. Obviously remain civil but I wouldn't bother making any effort.

This. Be civil and pleasant and take the time necessary to build whatever relationship you're both comfortable with.

Hes 21 now and has had two years growing up. Maybe he’s realised that he was wrong in the past and now wants to move on.

what does ds and dp propose? Maybe it is time to let bygones be bygones. Dp wants him back in the family fold and that’s important.

I wouldn’t turn down this request. Keep it simple at first. A walk along a beach and coffee at a cafe etc.

You never know, he may have matured into a nice young man, one you enjoy spending time with.

I'm not a SP but in your place I'd be cautious about this. He may have changed, but why does he want to see you too and not just his Dad if he held you in such little regard? Your DP will be happy if you go along with it of course but I'd try a short meet up and see how you feel about it.

I would be cautious and start small. He was a child who would have been influenced by his mother. He is now reaching adulthood. He may have changed. Building a friendship would mean a lot to your DP and SD, however I wouldn't put too much effort in, at least initially. As others have suggested, maybe grab a coffee or go for a walk all together. But, once bitten, twice shy, I would be wary of the old nonsense returning and I would be open with your son and SD that you are a bit cautious as he made everyone aware he didn't like you in the past.

To give him another chance I’d need an apology and an acknowledgment of the hurt he caused. Unless I misunderstood he was 18/19 when he said these things rather than a young teen so he needs to take responsibility for what he did.

Thats how I feel myself, but DP says that people should just move on and since his son supposedly mentions me in the proposed activities, he says that his son moved on and Im the only one who wants to be resentful forever.

Utter nonsense. It's like my h doesn't see the point in talking about the end of our marriage as there's no point. I said that's easy to say as he's not the one hurt. Your DP isn't the one who has been treated appallingly so doesn't need an apology. Very easy to dismiss your need for one.

He has to apologise and mean it otherwise no.

Saying you want to be resentful forever is horrible too as well as disrespectful

I wouldn't have any interest in preserving a relationship with someone who accused me of abuse. There's no un-ringing that bell. And I don't think it's a great lesson to teach the boy that you can say anything and then go back to playing happy families with no apologies.

They are both old enough to enjoy activities together without your presence, so they can crack on. No need to bother you with it.

The usual SP problem @Anuta77 , your SS has behaved badly towards you and you find it hard to forgive, your DP is his parent so will be happy to forgive everything if it means he gets to see his son. He's happy to put the blame on you because he's afraid your SS will change his mind if you ask for an apology.
Maybe your SS has grown up and wants to try again, maybe he's after something, meet him and see

Your partner does NOT get to tell you to move on.
He sounds like a bully too, like his son.
What a tough environment for your own child to have been rared in.
Your partners son has behaved very badly for years.
He needs to own his awful behaviour and apologise sincerely.
I would be more concerned about your own son having to live in such a toxic set up.
Good partners do not allow you to be treated badly for years and then tell you to get over it.
Extremely controlling behaviour.
You are 100% entitled to be very upset.
It is up to your partner and his son to fix what they broke.
Look after your son who has been stuck for years in a toxic environment with poor examples of bullying manhood as his examples.
You both deserve better.

Had your SS been a child, I might have thought differently but the fact this happened when he was 17/18 is appalling. Your "D"P doesn't get to tell you to move on. I would have absolutely no interest in a relationship with one of my DSD if either of them behaved like this and I would expect my DH to have my back.