Recently discovered I have a stepdaughter

[rainbowmaverick]

My Husband recently discovered he has an 8 year old daughter. It was a huge shock and a lot of strong emotions from
both sides but things have now settled down. My husband and I have a 4 year old son (I met my husband 6 years ago so wasn’t on the scene when his daughter was conceived) and my husband has now met his daughter a few times and we’ve all met up, husband, his daughter, her mum, me and our son, a couple of times and it’s all been pretty amicable if not a little surreal. The daughter isn’t comfortable meeting without her mum present at the moment which is understandable as we’re all pretty much strangers to each other. I’m finding it difficult to know how to start getting to know her? Or do I just be friendly but hang back initially? My husband and our son are obviously both related to her and seemed to have formed a bond already. She is a really lovely girl, I just don’t quite know what my place is. I never expected to be a stepmother, especially after marrying someone! I should say I have been fully supportive from the beginning and always tried to think of feelings from all sides and really want my husband to be able to have a good relationship with his daughter, and our son his sister and I’m hoping one day, me with my stepdaughter. Any thoughts or insights would be really appreciated. Thank you

I just want to say you sound absolutely lovely 🌸 Just give it time and maybe talk it through with a counsellor - this is pretty big. Well done on having such an open heart OP.

I think you should be friendly and hang back... things will settle and you will find your place soon enough, no need to force it.

You sound like you are doing everything right already. It’s a big change to adjust to. Give it time so DH can establish a relationship and slot in with what’s comfortable. Sounds like her mum is doing great too- if you can be friendly with her, that will go a long way.

Give it time, don’t force anything and don’t put pressure on yourself.

Has DH checked on DNA? 8 years is a huge shock

Wow. why now?

Anyway - hang back and be supportive - and don't let anyone go in too gung ho.

Did he have any idea or was this a complete surprise to him? Has he checked dna?

if it was a complete surprise and he had checked everything, then I would just take it slow. If it wasn’t a surprise to him, then I would be considering divorce as I don’t think I could be with someone who didn’t follow-up on even a suspected child. I can’t be sure since it would break up my family. So I would wait until my mind was settled until I pursued a relationship that might not go anywhere. It wouldn’t be fair to the step-child to get attached of I wasn’t sticking around.

Not much to say other than that you sound like a lovely person

Be friendly, supportive and hang back be most importantly be kind to yourself.

Your job is really only to facilitate your son, due to him also being a child, having a relationship with his half-sister.

Your husband can sort himself out as he is an adult.

Yes it’s been confirmed

This happened to me too a few years ago, mum popped up 6 years after not telling him he definately wasn't the dad to tell him that actually he was the dad. It's alot to take in, keep doing what you are doing and whatever feels right. Make sure you make time to process your own emotions in this too. Feel free to message me if you want to, I don't know anyone else who's been in the same boat as myself.

Oh wow. What a huge shock OP and I wouldn’t judge you for being disappointed. I would watch from the edges and not rush into anything.

why did the mother keep the child to herself? On the face of it it seems like a really selfish decision.

Hang back and let the bond develop between her dad and brother. In an ideal world if you could get on well with mum that would be great. I'd treat her like I'd treat one of DDs friends when she starts visiting alone.

I’ve never had this exact situation but I found out I had a bio half sister about 10 years ago. I’ll be honest, although she’s absolutely lovely, once the initial novelty of getting to know each other wore off, we never really built up a bond. She’s nearly 20 years older than me and we don’t have the same shared experiences like I do with my full sister. We just drifted apart.

It’ll may be different as it’s a father/daughter relationship but that was my experience anyway.