Does anyone have advice on stepchild jealousy?

[Mumbaiumbi]

10 yo DSD has been used to being the only child in the family, the only girl born for decades and has been spoilt rotten since birth. As a result it has made her quite unlikeable, she makes extravagant demands and no one says no to her. She has never been taught manners or basic hygiene and she was left to do as she pleased.
When I met DH I had a lot of concerns about her upbringing and shared them with him. He has made progress over the years and is no longer a yes disney dad, but the rest of the family will not co operate so the issues remain. I have tried to correct a lot of issues with her myself despite not being my responsibility, particularly about manners and kindness.
We now have a baby of our own and we have included DSD in everything to ensure she feels included. Unfortunately due to her upbringing nothing will change the tantrums that she is no longer the only child in the family her attention seeking has quadrupled.
She doesn’t like anyone holding the baby, when he began crawling recently she hit her grandmother for gushing over him and not her, she has broken several of his toys and once purposely dropped him. If anyone talks to the baby she will throw herself at that person to get their attention away from him, which has resulted in a few tellings off by the person, she will then turn on the waterworks and say no one loves me, knowing full well they do.
This caused a lot of issues in my marriage as I couldn’t cope with her presence. I was worried for my baby, I still don’t trust her and I’m out of ideas for correcting this.
I’ve done everything I can to avoid the jealousy, she has a lot of 1-1 with DH and everyone still treats her the same but after 9 months she hasn’t let it drop.
I don’t like how spoilt she is and that everyone panders to her, it’s a very difficult trait to correct and at her age it’s going to get harder. No one else has concerns so I’ve stopped bothering to put the effort in.
Alongside trying to avoid the jealousy, I am also worried my baby will fall into the shadows and be forgotten when the novelty wears off as they all make it clear DSD is favourite.
Can anyone advise the best action for this situation please?

Leave them to it.

Hopefully dsd doesn't actually live with you? And what about your own family? Can't they
treat your child with tlc to make up for it?

No she doesn’t live with us, I wouldn’t allow this behaviour if she did.
My family consists of my sister and an aunt. They do spend time with my baby but I think it’s important he knows his dads family too.

Agree with the others - spend more time apart. You can’t fix this.

Direct experience of this here. They’re absolute horrors as young adults.

Nothing you can do.

I was just out of the house with DC a lot when they came round. They were never left alone with DC. Thankfully, both sides of our families had their number (though they took a long time to admit it out loud).

Your husband should never have married someone with such a strong dislike of his child.

Live separately, no child should have to live, even part time with someone who dislikes them. You'll feel much better when she is no longer coming to your house.

Your DH is an absolute idiot to have a second child under these circumstances, this behaviour was inevitable given her upbringing.

OP is pretty tolerant in the circumstances, not every child is a delight.

Maybe he shouldn't have raised such spoiled unlikable child.

dont put your baby in a position where she can drop him

Firstly I don’t dislike her, I dislike how she’s being raised but that’s her mothers choice and I have no say. I can strongly defend DH in that he doesn’t agree with it either and doesn’t go along with it, but if his ex and their families are condoning it then anything we do will have no effect. He has had her for weekends since she was 14 months old and I’ve seen he does a good job, albeit being a Disney dad for years, but once a child has been taught this behaviour is acceptable then it’s hard to reverse and I’m dreading what’s to come.

OP with kindness I am assuming this is your first and therefore you have no idea how extraordinarily hard it can be, especially as a single parent/split household. For a child it can be totally disruptive and you can easily over indulge them. Your DSD sounds like she has jealousy issues which is inevitable after being an only child for so long and by the sounds of it totally spoilt.

You have said it is your DHs side of the family that enables this behaviour and therefore your DH is going to have to correct them. Again said with kindness but perhaps if you dislike her mum's parenting then her dad can step up a bit more?

I feel for you! That said whilst easier said than done, children of divorce have to learn different houses different rules. Put some consequences in place. The spoilt behaviour for me would result in upstairs to your room please for 5 minutes. Just my two Penneth 😊

It's for the best that your son sees less of your DH family.
You would not want him to be a favourite and end up totally spoilt like his sister.
Your husband needs to parent his second child better, with boundaries and praising kindness, good manners, sharing and gentle communication. You both need to teach your child some chores and responsibilities too.
Your husband might learn some better parenting skills from you and your son and be able to be more confident with his daughter.

Not condoning the behaviour, but from the child's perspective, her father is playing happy families with your child, but didn't do so with her, as he left. Of course it is not as simple as that but this might well be how she sees it. Children often feel abandoned as in reality, a split means the role their father plays is very different. Weekends with her father are not the same as being a family.

It sounds like you must have expected this behaviour. You also know that your DH is not the best of fathers - you refer to him as a former Disney dad and portray him as powerless and passive, yet he does have a part to play in his DD's behaviour. How he has reacted and treated her will impact on how she feels and her behaviour. This cannot sit only with others. Also, perhaps his parents are overly attentive as they feel he hasn't been and maybe share your view of him as a former Disney dad. You perhaps need to take off your rose tinted glasses when looking at your DH.

Did you have a plan for these dynamics when you decided to have a baby together? I wonder whether, perhaps unconsciously, you were hoping that having your own child with DH would make him step up and take a harsher line with his DD. However, it seem this might have either reinforced some guilt he feels or simply highlighted his tendency to act helplessly and rely on women to do the heavy lifting.

So I think you need to not worry about long term for your DC because she's a lot older and in not that long she'll be far less concerned what all these relatives think. Believe me teens are going to be a different thing entirely.

I think your DH needs to set some ground rules and also establish some stock answers along the lines "I don't mind what you do at your mother's but here we do xxx". She is plenty old enough to understand that different households have different rules.

You can't make her stop seeking attention and I wouldn't fight that personally. But you can tell her to be careful with toys and also baby. She's probably dealing with difficult emotions regarding the baby and it may also be helpful for DH to acknowledge that. Maybe start a conversation about how it's been a big change and it may be difficult for her?

Im experiencing this kind of situation right now but it’s gotten better, my bf has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We share a almost 2 year old boy and a 7 month old daughter. When she comes over she gets really jealous and says things like I’m your first born, Im more important or when others are heart eyes over my daughter she gets upset and tries to do whatever she can to take the attention away from my daughter. They don’t make it any better saying my daughter looks more like her dad than his older daughter while she is in the presence. Saying how she so much lighter because my kids are biracial as well as his older daughter. I’m already knowing it’s about to start some bs because she gets really upset. She ask me questions do you know I’m his first child?and I’ll be like yeah but not his only, and she would frown but I wasn’t trying to be rude. Especially in the presence of the other children. They will start having an understanding of what is being said around them. I’ve told my kids dad you keep letting her get away with it, your gonna wait until one of my kids gets in their feelings and come to me with tears in their eyes from feeling less, than you won’t see them again do what you gotta do take me to court, I’ll leave you alone. But I will not willingly allow you to be around my kids because your not protecting them. Im not in the position to be full out disciplining someone else’s child especially in the presence of father/mother. She never acted this way when my son was born, she got worser once I had my daughter. Because before my two children she already was aware she wasn’t the only child because after her, her father had a son from a previous relationship as well but he doesn’t see him at all. Leaving her to be the only child that’s ever been with her father. She makes little mean faces and bucks at my babies but I see right through all of it and says she’s just playing. I’ve only ever gotten onto her when I hear her say mean things about them. She go and pick up my daughter she only 7 months and she in the hair pulling stages but not intentionally it’s more like a reflex when you grab her up, I can often remove her hand from my hair and she wouldn’t do it again. But she is a baby with no teeth all gums, But when my baby pulls her hair she ohh my gods stoppp, don’t pull my hair that hurts I’m gonna pull your hair. And I’m like little girl one you wanted to hold her right? You do this all the time my babies would be chilling to themselves one in the crib or my son playing with his cars and you go and try to play with them and start playing victim like they are truly hurting you. I would often have tell the kids dad go play with her do some with her, because I’m seeing her behavior as a way to get his attention but how she’s doing it with my babies is unacceptable. Hell I even would take them for ice cream and she would love that. Anything to keep my babies away from their father when she is around. What I’ve done is move around for a very long time too the point we’re it’s uncomfortable for him. So whenever he would get his older daughter knowing he has these two other babies he went from being with ever day to not being here at all it’ll make him sit in think about how he could have bettered the situation because it’s not just about her anymore. All of them need love and reassurance.

That’s hardly the child’s fault, is it? Whatever she may or may not be, she is a product of how she has been parented on the one hand and feelings, emotions, experiences which are all uniquely hers. Many, many children struggle with new siblings, even when in the same house.

personally, I believe the OP needs to take steps to protect her child.

Let’s see it from the child’s perspective…
Had a family home with mum and dad. Then they split up and dad later moved in with someone who is always telling me that my manners and behaviour are bad and doesn’t like me. Now they’ve had a baby and everyone loves the baby and I’m being ignored.
underneath all this she’s thinking, I’m worthless, I’m not wanted anymore, I’m forgettable, nobody loves me.

pretty sad really.
OP you’re the adult in this situation. You have all the power. She has none. Zero. She wouldn’t have chosen any of this but here she is. So OP, I understand having a baby is hard, but grow up. You chose to have a baby with a man who already had a child. You now need to deal with that situation.

Sounds like the child was fine till they had a baby? I’d dislike this one too!

@Mumbaiumbi - can you access therapy for your SD so she has somewhere she can voice all her feelings without fear?

Alongside that, can she talk about how she feels with her Dad?

She sounds impossible but you knew this and still had a baby with him? I would have been running for the hills . She need to be taught manners and just ignore the tantrums , she’ll get bored eventually I guess.