Advice needed re dsd (10)

[pleaseletmesleep]

Have posted this in pareting aswell as I am not sure if this is a problem due just to dsds age or our situation.

Bit of background - Dsd is 10 and stays with us for Fri - Mon every other weekend and about half the holidays. Her mum and dad split when she was about 2, mum had a new partner before dp met me when she was around 3 1/2. Things have been mostly good between us all, for the sake of dsd, although there has been a bit of tension recently (don't want to go into too many details in case anyone recognises this as our relationship treads a delicate path at the best of times!) I think dsd's mum is maybe a little jealous of the relationship dp and I have and the recent arrival of our dd - however I could be completely wrong about this.

Oop - mthat will teach me to preview before posting - here is the rest of the message!

Anyway, dp and I are getting increasingly worried about dsd when she is here - she is just constantly bored. We don't know any children around here and we don't know the parents of any of her school friends to be able to ask them over - I'm guessing most parents of 10 year olds would not be happy to send their children to a strangers house! We have tried to get her to join clubs in the area to try and meet some children locally - including swimming, stage coach, Brownies/guides, the youth club and she says she doesn't want to go.

Can anyone suggest anything, we obviously want to keep having her here but it is awful to see her looking miserable, we do try to keep her entertained with activities and days out but it is difficult to come up with something new every weekend and half of the things we suggest are met with an indifferent shrug anyway. Is this just what 10 year old girls are like?! I do remember my brother and I whining about how bored we were as children but we can never be sure if this is just how she is just now or if we are doing something wrong and she is unhappy here.

Any advice would be gratefully received, thanks!

Thankyou, I hope it will resolve itself soon, we just feel so sorry for her that she has no one to play with here and don't really know what else to do about it.

She only lives about 5 miles away so we are happy to pick up and drop off as it would actually make life a lot easier while she was here even with the extra running around iyswim, we are just a bit stuck as to how to start things off.

I think aswell dp always assumes that there must be something wrong and that she is completely different at home when maybe that is not the case and she is having a bit of that teenage disdain a little early .

It could also be that she is feeling a little left out with dd being here although I know she is really pleased to be a big sister and loves being asked to help out and we have tried really hard to involve her.

Do you have dc of your own? How did dsd act when they came along? Hope you don't mind me asking just wondering if this is a contributing factor aswell.

DSD2 is 13 but she went through a phase like this around the same age. i suppose having a new baby in the house is exciting but at the same time puts her nose out of joint a bit. DS is 10 and he's been great with DD (16mth) but he did have the odd wobble in the begining. he felt like we weren't spending any time with him so we made the effort to do things without the baby and took turns having alonetime with him. he's now alot better but he stil insists on 1 night a week where he spends it with either DH or myself doing stuff. He's always liked being alone or with 1-2 friends so she might just be one of the kids who don't mind not being with a crowd or doing organised stuff. it sounds a bit like she's feeling wobbly with the baby and all but i might be wrong. is she the only/last child??

could you let her have a party? friends parents more likely to be happy leaving their kids in a big group and you will get to know them and get their numbers so they can come another time individually. only needs to be pizza, dvds and maybe lots of hair styling things or whatever she is into.

I was going to suggest a sleepover. But a party is a good idea too, chamaeleon.

I remember dsd going through a bit of a phase like this. She's 12 now. We go to the beach every weekend in the summer (dh is a volunteer lifeguard) and she used to moan about it . And she'd say she was bored a lot .... and I'd sound like my mother and tell her she couldn't possibly be bored with all the toys and games she has here .

She's always been lovely with dd, but she was a bit jealous in the beginning, despite all our attempts to make sure as little changed for her as possible. I do think that as dd got older it's been better for dsd as dd has been able to interact with her (aka argue lol). But seriously, they do play together now. And they adore each other - it's great to see dd run to dsd and give her a big hug whenever she arrives.

Thanks all for your suggestions. Sorry, for the delay in replying, laptop decided to expire!

It is good to know we are not alone at least, none of my friends have children let alone step children so it is a bit difficult to explain sometimes, especially when dsds mum is playing up, they don't understand why I can't just tell her to beat it (or words to that effect!).

Jammi - wow sounds like you have really been through it, feeling a bit bad now for my grumbles!

She is an only child and I think it is probably just a combination of all things, new baby, her age, bit of tension between us all that shes picking up on.

Anyway, will speak to her next week and see if we can get some of her friends out, maybe if we can at least get to know some of her friends that would help a lot.

Thanks again.

Just a quick update - we went around to dsds best friends house at the weekend and kind of just introduced ourselves and next weekend she is coming to stay! Dsd is soooo excited - thankyou ladies you are so wise

Now if any of you can just teach me how to deal with her mother we will be sorted

Oh and meant to say jammi congrats on your ds!

Ah this a problem we have DP's DD. DP's ex likes to control DD's friends...for example one of DP DD's friends lives literally at the bottom of the garden but her mother is s friend of DP's ex. I bumped into her one day and suggested that it would be lovely to have her daughter over to play as DP's DD loves playing with her. The friend's mum was all "oh that would lovely blah blah blah" but anytime we invite her daughter over shes always doing something else, so in the end we gave up. DP's DD's friends mothers are nearly all single mums who are friends of DP's ex. Its like the ex has ring fenced DP's DD's friends
We have tried bringing to a sports club so she can meet some friends, she's been going for months now but no luck. Ive been going to loads of baby clubs looking to meet parents who also have older daughters who we could meet it up with. But so far no luck. It's really frustrating, Dp's DD needs friends she can play with here, any ideas?